I'm in therapy, again. I've bought a weighted stuffed animal to try and comfort me at night. I've opened up to my friends about how I'm struggling and I sent an apology letter to the last person I loved who doesn't want me because after nine months I still didn't have closure. A small part of me wishes she'd come back but I know what I could've had with her is gone.
So, here I am, dealing with chronic health issues that make life and intimacy difficult. Living in a home we're im reminded of the woman I hurt and drove away, the place I've recovered alone from my multiple surgeries, the place I got the call that my mother died and the place I sit by myself working, sleeping and crying, every day.
I'm trying to stay here. But the call of the void is always there. I know we have to find ways to save ourselves but I'd give anything for someone to show up at my door, with a hug and a warm meal, just to take care of me for awhile. But that's not how real life is. People have their own lives and when you break someone's heart they don't stick around to mend yours.
I'm not sure what's the point of this post even is. Just screaming into the void. Wishing I'd matter enough to someone to be fought for but I'm clearly not worthy of that. Never was. The person I loved broke up with me (for valid reasons, I feel so guilty over them) weeks after my estranged mother died. The feelings of being abandoned again, and again hit me every fucking day. I came into this world unwanted and that's how I'm going to leave this world. But I'm not leaving yet.
So, here I am, dealing with chronic health issues that make life and intimacy difficult. Living in a home we're im reminded of the woman I hurt and drove away, the place I've recovered alone from my multiple surgeries, the place I got the call that my mother died and the place I sit by myself working, sleeping and crying, every day.
I'm trying to stay here. But the call of the void is always there. I know we have to find ways to save ourselves but I'd give anything for someone to show up at my door, with a hug and a warm meal, just to take care of me for awhile. But that's not how real life is. People have their own lives and when you break someone's heart they don't stick around to mend yours.
I'm not sure what's the point of this post even is. Just screaming into the void. Wishing I'd matter enough to someone to be fought for but I'm clearly not worthy of that. Never was. The person I loved broke up with me (for valid reasons, I feel so guilty over them) weeks after my estranged mother died. The feelings of being abandoned again, and again hit me every fucking day. I came into this world unwanted and that's how I'm going to leave this world. But I'm not leaving yet.
