Venting Fell Off Today

[ihavetoleave]

Those of you who have seen my previous posts know that I am in dire financial straits (severe credit card debt due to my insane actions) and I have no income. For context in the past twenty years I have had severe addiction issues as well, I used to have a very bad pain pill problem and drinking problem plus addictions to nicotine and marijuana. In the past several years I have stopped doing pain pills but switched to using kratom, and I relied on kratom, nicotine vape and marijuana to get through each day (and badly, I did terribly in the jobs I have held previously with these addictions). Early last year I quit my job as they were going to fire me and force me on disability that I would not qualify for, and I put myself in an impossible situation.

I haven't been able to get another job and it is all on me, I have gotten myself into a line of work I am not suited for while in deep addiction over the years, I have no degree to fall back on and my mind does not function the way it used to when I used to use drugs and nicotine. As a result I stumble through and fail job interviews now, my brain chemistry is badly impacted and I spend each day waiting to get the nerve up to CTB, I cannot fix my debt problems (I will have to file for bankruptcy) and I have no income, I am living with my parents and have become a burden on them.

After more than eight months sober from kratom, marijuana and vape today I fell off the wagon and went and bought more nicotine vape. I broke, spent what little money I somehow still have on this break to once again use nicotine. I kept spending each day waiting to have the motivation to finally end things and I cannot do it, I lie around each day sober and depressed and I can't motivate myself to do a single thing. I am disappointed in myself for falling off and using nicotine again, however if I am going to die I want to at least use nicotine again and have some brief happiness before I go.

So now I find myself once again using nicotine vape, feeling energy from this yet still knowing there is no way to get out of this hole I've dug myself into. I feel like a failure, I bought this addictive product knowing I can't sustain it and that my only choice is really to CTB. I hope at least I will have motivation to do so now that I am doing one of the only things I enjoy doing in what I hope are my last days. I'm terrified of the consequences of not paying my bills, I do not believe I will be able to file for bankruptcy due to my inability to pay my bills for months now, I am waiting to either CTB and/or be notified that my debts have been sold off to collections or that I am sued for not paying.

There is no good outcome for me, there are no solutions, I have researched all of my options, I would have to go bankrupt with no income or options to pay for a lawyer to help me succeed (which is necessary as it is an expensive process as well as a complicated one esp where I live and the legal requirements for the process) I know this, I simply want to vent knowing there are no solutions to the mess I've made. Thank you for listening to me, I am still disgusted with myself and my inability to have been a decent human being who is able to build a life and create some security for myself. I'm too old now, I've fallen too far and it is too late. I wish I could start over and it is not possible. I hope I can do the only option I have and to CTB and relieve myself and my family of dealing with me months longer now that I have the chemical addiction soothed that was causing me the most pain. Vaping only causes me more problems, yet I could not function without this at least.

 

[Pookie]

Be proud of yourself that you got off the Kratom and marijuana. That must've taken a lot of willpower. Marijuana in moderation isn't harmful though. With addiction it's common to fall off the wagon but the important part is that you acknowledge this and that you've at least made efforts to quit. You can try again when you're ready as you've done it before. You've also faced your addictions head-on before. There are many addicts who can't/won't do this. They are in denial and can't face their demons. It takes a lot of strength to face your demons.

And what is wrong with vaping? It's not like you are hurting others with your vaping habit. Alcoholism and drug misuse is a different story.

 

[ihavetoleave]

Be proud of yourself that you got off the Kratom and marijuana. That must've taken a lot of willpower. Marijuana in moderation isn't harmful though. With addiction it's common to fall off the wagon but the important part is that you acknowledge this and that you've at least made efforts to quit. You can try again when you're ready as you've done it before. You've also faced your addictions head-on before. There are many addicts who can't/won't do this. They are in denial and can't face their demons. It takes a lot of strength to face your demons.

And what is wrong with vaping? It's not like you are hurting others with your vaping habit. Alcoholism and drug misuse is a different story.

Thanks for your response. The vaping is another crutch, I used to suck my finger until I was about ten (a lot longer than most kids do that stuff) and then started smoking a few years later, kept it up for many years and then switched to vaping a few years ago (it is a lot more addictive than smoking turns out unfortunately in my experience). The bad part about this is not only the crutch but the amount of money spent on this in the past, and something I can't keep up as I have no income to keep investing in it. It is also a bad habit I hide from my family for several reasons, so that adds to my guilt too. Overall it is not scalable and I don't want to keep treading water like this in my life.

 

[Pookie]

Thanks for your response. The vaping is another crutch, I used to suck my finger until I was about ten (a lot longer than most kids do that stuff) and then started smoking a few years later, kept it up for many years and then switched to vaping a few years ago (it is a lot more addictive than smoking turns out unfortunately in my experience). The bad part about this is not only the crutch but the amount of money spent on this in the past, and something I can't keep up as I have no income to keep investing in it. It is also a bad habit I hide from my family for several reasons, so that adds to my guilt too. Overall it is not scalable and I don't want to keep treading water like this in my life,

Maybe you can try stop adding nicotine to the vape juice and wean off it like that. You can trick your brain into thinking you're still getting nicotine and your craving for sucking on something will still be satisfied. It might not work but it's worth a shot.

 

[ihavetoleave]

Maybe you can try stop adding nicotine to the vape juice and wean off it like that. You can trick your brain into thinking you're still getting nicotine and your craving for sucking on something will still be satisfied. It might not work but it's worth a shot.

I'm using temp vapes now instead of a real rig like I used to back in the day, I can't put in a certain amount of potency, I can simply try to do less and buy vape with less nicotine too. I used nicotine gum the last time I quit and it really didn't seem to help but I may do this again, overall it is best for me to stop altogether and go through it but then again, here I am doing it again. I'm a long time fiend and addict so it is hard to really stop anything, my mind is really used to substances, I worry I would do worse if I had the opportunity. Thanks again for responding and offering up solutions, very kind and supportive of you.

 

[Pookie]

I'm using temp vapes now instead of a real rig like I used to back in the day, I can't put in a certain amount of potency, I can simply try to do less and buy vape with less nicotine too. I used nicotine gum the last time I quit and it really didn't seem to help but I may do this again, overall it is best for me to stop altogether and go through it but then again, here I am doing it again. I'm a long time fiend and addict so it is hard to really stop anything, my mind is really used to substances, I worry I would do worse if I had the opportunity. Thanks again for responding and offering up solutions, very kind and supportive of you.

You're welcome. At least you're trying and that counts for something. Some types of antidepressants can also help quell strong urges but antidepressants aren't for everyone. I wish you luck.