Venting Feels Like I'm Trapped

[phantomisgone]

As a person, I do so much for people.

• Help a friend move a 4 bedroom house for free because his mother passed
• Buy someone shoes because I noticed that they were falling apart
• Give the most kind & thoughtful words... then mean it
• Be someone's cheerleader.
• Give away money

What do I get out of it?
"We need more people like you in this world."
"You're a good friend."
"Thanks, that's very sweet of you."

I never ask anything in return.

I do these things because nobody in my life has done the same for me. Nobody is willing to do these things. Nobody wants to. What I've been witnessing & experiencing is always take. Never give.

I've been betrayed, exploited, casted aside, & never been chosen in my life. But I still try to help others because I've always thought that it would be the right thing to do. To tell the truth, it doesn't get me anywhere. It doesn't get me noticed, to be a priority, to be treated nicely, or even just considered. Just used & exploited. I'm just living out of rebellion at this point. But hey, the world needs people like me, right?

So why is it when I decide to behave like the majority, I'm severely punished for it? The rare times in my life where I ask for help, nobody can help me. Nobody makes time for me. Nobody has the answers. Everyone is just MIA while I'm suffering. It feels like I'm just here just to help other people reach their dreams, while for me, I can only dream when my eyes are closed at night. It's not fair.

After my attempt years ago, it feels like some force or entity has mentally forbid me to even try again. So it feels like I'm just here to have this purpose. To serve others, while I myself never be served.
But hey, the world needs people like me, right?

 

[tvojamamka]

What about serving yourself instead of other people. How about you start doing things for yourself and only for yourself, things that would make you happy,instead of wasting your energy on other people that will probably never be even capable of fully appreciating it because they have grown up in a world they can just take and take and take from.
I feel like the older I get, the more I can appreciate the privilige that i have to be able to only live for myself. Do only the things that make ME feel good. And if someone wants to tag along, then sure, but my wellbeing will always be my priority. I would be lying if i said it didn't get lonely at times, but the loneliness is honestly worth not betraying my values just to fit in into a group of people i didn't belong to in a first place