feelings of extreme peace

[h4ppyhypoxia]

its really weird, ive never felt like this before in my entire life, but last night i started feeling extremely extremely calm, and when i woke up, i feel the same, i think this is because the time is getting closer

i feel like a brand new person, anything that worries me disappears within a few minutes, and i dont feel my emotions as intensely, the only thing that actually brings me genuine and lasting distress in life at the moment is worries about potential disruptions/failures to my plans, anything else just floats away, its so weird, it feels almost good enough to live, but i know i only feel this way because its coming to an end soon

its been a long process with so many different emotions, i set a date to die in april, it was originally next year, but after my quality of life rapidly decreased, i moved the date up to late september/early october, its so strange how my feelings have developed as time goes on, but this calm just feels weird, i dont really feel like myself, ive never felt like this in my life before

ive had brief moments of this, but its never lasted this long, it feels sort of invalid, i decided to end my life due to near constant and intense suffering, but thats just not something that im feeling in this moment, and it feels very unusual

its not even like i consciously decided to challenge my worries with "i am going to die so this wont matter soon" all the time, i do it at times, but im careful with it, because i dont want suicide to become an emotional escape hatch and discourage me from other ways of coping, i dont want it to be "all i have" so that if something DOES go wrong, i dont feel totally trapped, im trying to still live as "me" but it doesnt feel like i am myself anymore due to this

 

[Somewhat Suicidal]

i feel like a brand new person, anything that worries me disappears within a few minutes, and i dont feel my emotions as intensely, the only thing that actually brings me genuine and lasting distress in life at the moment is worries about potential disruptions/failures to my plans, anything else just floats away, its so weird, it feels almost good enough to live, but i know i only feel this way because its coming to an end soon

Isn't it obvious, the only thing you still worry remotely about is the only thing that still matters now. ^^ Makes perfect sense to me. I'm almost jealous, also this shows to me I'm not nearly there yet mentally, also I don't have a method obtained yet. Maybe I should just to see if that changes anything for me emotionally.

i decided to end my life due to near constant and intense suffering, but thats just not something that im feeling in this moment, and it feels very unusual

if you care to elaborate on your suffering, I never quite got that anywhere. Feel free to PM as well if you don't want to disclose publicly... or feel free to not at all if you don't feel like it at all.

its not even like i consciously decided to challenge my worries with "i am going to die so this wont matter soon" all the time, i do it at times, but im careful with it, because i dont want suicide to become an emotional escape hatch and discourage me from other ways of coping, i dont want it to be "all i have" so that if something DOES go wrong, i dont feel totally trapped, im trying to still live as "me" but it doesnt feel like i am myself anymore due to this

That seems a very healthy attitude and actually quite smart. You strike me more and more as a highly intelligent and analytical mind.

Whatever happens or you decide, I have to say it saddens me a bit to expect to see you go out so soon, as I always enjoyed talking to you and reading your posts. But I of course don't want to stop you or change your decision process in any way by saying this.

In any case good luck on your further journey in and possibly beyond this life!

 

[h4ppyhypoxia]

Isn't it obvious, the only thing you still worry remotely about is the only thing that still matters now. ^^ Makes perfect sense to me. I'm almost jealous, also this shows to me I'm not nearly there yet mentally, also I don't have a method obtained yet. Maybe I should just to see if that changes anything for me emotionally.


if you care to elaborate on your suffering, I never quite got that anywhere. Feel free to PM as well if you don't want to disclose publicly... or feel free to not at all if you don't feel like it at all.


That seems a very healthy attitude and actually quite smart. You strike me more and more as a highly intelligent and analytical mind.

Whatever happens or you decide, I have to say it saddens me a bit to expect to see you go out so soon, as I always enjoyed talking to you and reading your posts. But I of course don't want to stop you or change your decision process in any way by saying this.

In any case good luck on your further journey in and possibly beyond this life!

thank you, id be happy to share in pms, things still do get to me, but its just not as much anymore, its a weird state to be in, its not constant calm, but when i feel like that its great, ive enjoyed talking and interacting with you too :) good luck to you too

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

You aren't trapped. You can CTB whenever you want. But maybe you could have a new life knowing that. Maybe life could be different now that you know you're not trapped here.

 

[h4ppyhypoxia]

You aren't trapped. You can CTB whenever you want. But maybe you could have a new life knowing that. Maybe life could be different now that you know you're not trapped here.

yeah thats true, ive known that i wanted to die for a while, i got a rope ready when i made my mind up on this fully in may, i was planning to go next year until things took a turn for the worst, but i wanted to have something as "security" to remind me that im not trapped and can go whenever, i got rid of it before i went home for the summer though because theres no anchor points at my house that wouldnt get me caught and rescued + i didnt want someone finding that somehow lol

i know rationally i can go whenever i want and that i have the knowledge to go through with it properly, just sometimes i worry that when it actually comes to it, something practical will go wrong with the setup or im too incompetent to set it up right because im not very good with my hands