feeling too guilty to CTB

[Hecuba]

I apologize in advance for this being a rant -- I just need to let it out. I have been struggling with suicidal ideation for the past 10 years (all my adult life, essentially). I was really on edge 2.5 years ago. Then i got together with my ex partner and everything changed. For once, I was happy and at peace, but my abandonment trauma has resulted in me slowly pushing my partner away. Eventually, they broke up with me because I was hurting them with my lack of trust and neediness. And then I made everything worse due to my breakdowns and incessant suicidal talk. They fell out of love with me.

After the break up, I got a dog. My dog is the reason I've been able to function in the last year. But now I am suicidal again. My ex-partner and I are very close friends. They are open to possibly getting back together in the future but currently are still not in love with me. Due to my citizenship situation, I might not be able to move wherever they move in several months. The hope that they might eventually fall back in love with me is what has kept me going. If we are in different countries/states, that hope will be ruined. And that is now the most likely outcome.

I have nothing but them and my dog. I recently started a new job that is really nice in most respects, and I really hoped I'd become friends with some of my coworkers -- I don't have any friends besides my ex-partner and that's been a big issue, including in the break up, as I have severe social anxiety -- and today I've heard about a road trip they are planning this weekend and really wanted to join. I was told I cannot because the rental place is already booked. I know I shouldn't feel hurt by that. But I am hurt. And I hate myself for being hurt. But it all got me spiraling: I was never able to have friends and am socially awkward and that's part of the reason my partner broke up with me. And I'm not getting any better. I am still always awkward and a social outcast. I'm so tied at this point.

I am tired of trying. I just want to be at peace, even if that means being dead. But I cannot do that. I cannot do that to my ex-partner, they would probably carry that for the rest of their life. I cannot do that to my parents. I don't love them and we barely talk, but they are overall depressed and me CTB'ing wuld probably destroy them. And then, the biggest issue -- my dog. He is a rescue. He has severe separation anxiety. He comes everywhere with me. He is honestly the most amazing being I have ever met. But that isnot enough to make me want to live, yet it's enough to make me unable to die although I really want that for myself so bad.

 

[almaranthine]

I'm sorry you are going through all of this. I know how it feels to have no friends. At jobs in the past, I tried to make friends with coworkers and it just never panned out for me. Even if I got close to someone, they would eventually just move on with their lives and forget about me. It's hard to have no social support. You have your ex and that's good to have at least one person looking out for you, but at the same time you are suffering because of that romantic pressure of the relationship. I hope something works out for you. Many people who contemplate suicide agonize over how their death will affect relatives, loved ones, even pets... it's very common to feel guilty. For some, the pain and suffering they are in outweighs that guilt and they go through with it, not focusing on other's potential pain... but the end to theirs. At the end of the day, death is inevitable. In my case, I worry about my mom, and I feel bad about how my death will hurt and affect her. However, the alternative is me staying alive long enough to have to witness and deal with her passing. The thought of going through this is devastating to me. I cannot even imagine myself handling even the physical financial aspects of her death properly. Regardless, someone will have to grieve at some point (unless we both die in some kind of freak accident which would be very unlikely). This is just the nature of life. Suicide is like beating everyone else to the punch in a sense, and does inflict some extra negative emotions on those still living whether it be guilt, shame, anger, confusion etc though. I think that's where the guilt really comes from. It's not just merely dying and leaving people behind, but leaving them with a slew of dark feelings and questions.

 

[Hecuba]

I'm sorry you are going through all of this. I know how it feels to have no friends. At jobs in the past, I tried to make friends with coworkers and it just never panned out for me. Even if I got close to someone, they would eventually just move on with their lives and forget about me. It's hard to have no social support. You have your ex and that's good to have at least one person looking out for you, but at the same time you are suffering because of that romantic pressure of the relationship. I hope something works out for you. Many people who contemplate suicide agonize over how their death will affect relatives, loved ones, even pets... it's very common to feel guilty. For some, the pain and suffering they are in outweighs that guilt and they go through with it, not focusing on other's potential pain... but the end to theirs. At the end of the day, death is inevitable. In my case, I worry about my mom, and I feel bad about how my death will hurt and affect her. However, the alternative is me staying alive long enough to have to witness and deal with her passing. The thought of going through this is devastating to me. I cannot even imagine myself handling even the physical financial aspects of her death properly. Regardless, someone will have to grieve at some point (unless we both die in some kind of freak accident which would be very unlikely). This is just the nature of life. Suicide is like beating everyone else to the punch in a sense, and does inflict some extra negative emotions on those still living whether it be guilt, shame, anger, confusion etc though. I think that's where the guilt really comes from. It's not just merely dying and leaving people behind, but leaving them with a slew of dark feelings and questions.

This mind sound weird, but what if you secured a CBT method and just do it the moment your mother passed away? That sounds like a decent approach given your situation. Unless that would put too much pain on someone else, which probably would complicate things.

I'm sorry you're so sad. I often look at my dog too and get sad about leaving her. She loves me even though I suck and should take her on more walks.

I read on a post somewhere on here that at least it's "social injury" so that is easier to fix than a physical one? I'm not saying that anyone deserves or feels more suicidal than the next— I think everyone would ideally like to fix their situation and are at their wits end and that's how we ended up here.

But yeah— I've been suicidal on and off for a decade or so— like you almost all my adult life. Fucking trying to live — have a will to live— and stay alive is so hard.

Having a dog in the first year helps a lot— I would take her everywhere and it helps with socializing because it deflects major heavy topic issues with just talking about her cuteness.

I feel bad about the citizenship thing— I heard of people who are citizens of no country so they are stuck and can't move anywhere and are forced to literally have an illegal identity just to Have a cellphone.

I do think over time you can win your coworkers over— by listening to how their cabin trip went and showing interest that you'd like to be including in any other future social gathering- when your invited def make a point to make it and be there— don't come empty handed, like bring something for group— and if you just can't make it at all— say "thank you for thinking of me- unfortunately I can't make it— but I'm def there for the next one" or something like that.

I know it sucks to not have friends and it's literally scary— but they are possible to make I believe no matter how awkward you can be as long as you're not being judgmental of who you would want ideally as your friend— aka looking at the popular group and wanting to be those people friends for example…

Idk it can be very very very very hard. But if you're scared to ctb because you're leaving people behind that love you— I totally relate I'm sure many people here do too and it's the reason many of us may still b here. So totally relatable experience and I hope you feel better in being able to navigate your social world

Thank you for your kind words! I think you are really sweet -- I totally see your point about future trips with my coworkers. As I said, I know I should not be upset about this trip. It's just bad timing. My ex-partner changed their mind about the places they are going to move to and that has totally fucked me over as a non-US citizen, as I cannot make those choices on a whim. And I'm afraid that once I lose hope about getting back with them, I would just CTB. But I don't want to hurt my dog. Like... I really am willing to endure a lot for him, I just don't know what the limit is for me.

 

[almaranthine]

This mind sound weird, but what if you secured a CBT method and just do it the moment your mother passed away? That sounds like a decent approach given your situation. Unless that would put too much pain on someone else, which probably would complicate things.

Thank you for your kind words! I think you are really sweet -- I totally see your point about future trips with my coworkers. As I said, I know I should not be upset about this trip. It's just bad timing. My ex-partner changed their mind about the places they are going to move to and that has totally fucked me over as a non-US citizen, as I cannot make those choices on a whim. And I'm afraid that once I lose hope about getting back with them, I would just CTB. But I don't want to hurt my dog. Like... I really am willing to endure a lot for him, I just don't know what the limit is for me.

My mom could feasibly live for another 20 years. Also, given how hard she has worked her whole life, her body will likely break down in various ways. Idk, I just went through my grandma's passing last year. She suffered for 3 years barely able to do anything and it was truly awful to witness. She was my best friend and it broke me to know how much she was dehumanized and in pain. I don't know if I have the fortitude to see my mom go and take care of her until she does. I definitely don't have the financial ability to do so. The only family I have are all in their 60's and 70's. I'm 27. I imagine if I stay alive two more decades I will be the one watching them all suffer and wither away... and then, I'll be totally alone. It just feels like too much to bear. I've been aware of this reality ever since I was a little girl and it's always made me incredibly sad.

 

[jodes2]

I apologize in advance for this being a rant -- I just need to let it out. I have been struggling with suicidal ideation for the past 10 years (all my adult life, essentially). I was really on edge 2.5 years ago. Then i got together with my ex partner and everything changed. For once, I was happy and at peace, but my abandonment trauma has resulted in me slowly pushing my partner away. Eventually, they broke up with me because I was hurting them with my lack of trust and neediness. And then I made everything worse due to my breakdowns and incessant suicidal talk. They fell out of love with me.

After the break up, I got a dog. My dog is the reason I've been able to function in the last year. But now I am suicidal again. My ex-partner and I are very close friends. They are open to possibly getting back together in the future but currently are still not in love with me. Due to my citizenship situation, I might not be able to move wherever they move in several months. The hope that they might eventually fall back in love with me is what has kept me going. If we are in different countries/states, that hope will be ruined. And that is now the most likely outcome.

I have nothing but them and my dog. I recently started a new job that is really nice in most respects, and I really hoped I'd become friends with some of my coworkers -- I don't have any friends besides my ex-partner and that's been a big issue, including in the break up, as I have severe social anxiety -- and today I've heard about a road trip they are planning this weekend and really wanted to join. I was told I cannot because the rental place is already booked. I know I shouldn't feel hurt by that. But I am hurt. And I hate myself for being hurt. But it all got me spiraling: I was never able to have friends and am socially awkward and that's part of the reason my partner broke up with me. And I'm not getting any better. I am still always awkward and a social outcast. I'm so tied at this point.

I am tired of trying. I just want to be at peace, even if that means being dead. But I cannot do that. I cannot do that to my ex-partner, they would probably carry that for the rest of their life. I cannot do that to my parents. I don't love them and we barely talk, but they are overall depressed and me CTB'ing wuld probably destroy them. And then, the biggest issue -- my dog. He is a rescue. He has severe separation anxiety. He comes everywhere with me. He is honestly the most amazing being I have ever met. But that isnot enough to make me want to live, yet it's enough to make me unable to die although I really want that for myself so bad.

I'm sorry about the struggles with your mind and your ex. Sorry you're not ready to die either, caught between a rock and a hard place. My thoughts are with you

 

[FuneralCry]

That does sound like a difficult situation to be in, and I can imagine that it must be hard to deal with wishing to be free from everything, yet feeling like you have to stay here. It can certainly be tiring being trapped in this world but I wish you the best.

 

[lonelyguy]

I know that feeling of guilt. I'm 47 yrs old. The first time I thought of suicide was when i was in my 20's. The only thing keeping me here is the fact that I know it will ruin my parents lives. They're in their early 70's and the thought of them spending their remaining years having to deal with my suicide makes me cry.

 

[Shadowlord900]

Human company is overrated. Do not feel bad about your ex or your co-workers leaving you out of road trips. Instead feel happy that you have a pet dog who loves you.

I wish I had a pet dog, but I cannot because I live in a block of flats that won't let us keep pet animals. Lucky bastard! XD (I'm joking please don't take seriously.)

In all seriousness, if you can't bear to live long enough for your dog to pass away, at least try to find him a nice home, or at the very least a very nice animal shelter with staff that you're sure will take good care of him. I know it'll be incredibly difficult due to your dog having severe separation anxiety, that is why I say try to stick around and give your dog the best life you can offer him, because animals are awesome. I may have been joking before, but me saying human company being overrated was not a joke.