feeling small/stupid/inadequate/lame/irritating/dumb

[eggsausagerice]

saying that i feel irritating to others is validation seeking and saying that i think that i'm stupid and irritating is self loathing and still validation seeking. anyone i admit my thoughts to shuts me out because i come off as difficult because i'm not listening to their advice or i'm just talking about how i feel stupid and apologizing over and over because i feel like i'm such an annoying person to talk to. i desperately want to redo my relationships with people because i feel like i screwed everything up beyond repair and if i just stopped talking about how i feel then they would still like me and want to talk to me. but all i have is my depression, even on better days, because even if i have those people in my contacts still i feel like they don't even want me to talk to them because i'm just going to say something depressing.

i want to kill myself so that i don't have to deal with feeling annoying anymore. i feel annoying to my parents and to my friends, and when i was still in school i felt annoying to my teachers and would constantly feel like i wasn't trying hard enough, because i wasn't. i desperately want someone to tell me i'm trying hard enough, even though i've probably never deserved to hear that in my life, since i've always done things in a half hearted manner to avoid punishment for not doing anything at all. i've never tried hard enough to do anything. i'm not trying hard enough to get better and that's why i'm still depressed. i didn't leave my house for the entire day again. i could still go out but i just don't feel like it. i just want to stay inside and lay in bed while my posture gets fucked and i get pudgy because i only eat shitty food. it's really hard for me to care about anything when i know that i'm a self-pitying loser and that can't ever control my mood. no one needs me in their life because i'm the one that needs people. being small and pathetic won't make anyone want me. saying "sorry" won't make people want to talk to me either.

some nights i feel really sick of myself. i have a friend's birthday scheduled next month that i'm supposed to go to, and i have to keep going to driving lessons this month too. i just feel like a disaster. this whole year is fucked up and no one calls me attractive because i'm not having stupid one night stands anymore. all i felt when the sex ended was a sense of dread because i would go back home and i would have to be alone with my thoughts again. i don't want to keep improving my life because i don't care and i don't want to care. i just seem to want to keep on fucking it up and feeling sorry for myself. i don't want to keep going. i feel like i'm always fighting the urge to cry or throw up because i feel like a stupid animal. i don't want to get better because i know that i'm going to be dead before this year ends anyway. and if i'm still alive, i'll feel even worse about myself because i wanted to be dead for so long. i'm no one important. i'm just a shriveled worm in the sun. i wish that i could just be dead before tomorrow comes. these thoughts and feelings are the same ones from yesterday. i want to strangle myself for being so repetitive. this is why people don't like me. i deserve to hate myself for being so boring.

 

[Hystearical]

Two things can be true at the same time even if they seem contradictory.

It is true that people have limited patience, if any, for constant negativity or constantly being down on yourself.

But it also remains true that you are entitled to your feelings regardless of how much people are willing to hold space for them or if they're "productive".

So even if you have to keep certain talk in check when interacting with others that's for * practical* reasons, not because your feelings are stupid.

can't ever control my mood.

That's because depression robs you of control over your own mental state. It is one of the most insidious things about it. But that's not your fault.

You're doing a good thing by taking driving lessons. I hope when you become licensed you will feel the change that that represents and feel better, even if slightly.

 

[derpyderpins]

This made me think of something.

A roommate I had in college, great guy, good friend. Honestly he was probably pretty patient with me. He was older and something of a mentor. But one day, he did get annoyed with my usual diatribe about life sucking and seeing a point to it all, or whatever I was on about. I honestly don't remember. What I do remember is that he told me I could really sound like a "broken record." That stuck with me for a long time, and obviously I still remember like 13 years later. Made me think twice for a long time about opening up. It wasn't even said in a mean way or anything.

If I could go back I'd have been more considerate, and vented in a better way. But you know what? That's only because I grew after being too much of a broken record and not being great at communicating for a long time. I wasn't capable then.

Here's the thing about seeking validation: everyone needs to be validated sometimes, and that's okay.

 

[sirrac]

I think you are trying hard enough. Just living with these thoughts can be hell, to be able to cope with them and move forward to another day is pretty much a daily feat in of itself