mortdispute
Member
- Jan 4, 2024
- 5
i've been looking for a clean and non chaotic method for a long time now after many failed attempts with ods and mixing with alc. I have planned when this will happen and i am ready, but the feeling of how this is going to hurt my family is fucking intense. Last time i tried to kms i took a bunch of my seroquel and downed it with liquor tbh i don't even remember how many plus did cocaine and i had to be in the er because i started having seizures i can't remember a lot of what happened but i was throwing up and my little brother(19) works at the hospital and he was there holding my hair back when i was throwing up in a bucket they gave me. I think i was so stressed worried about being sent inpatient my sister told me i was chewing out the doctor and i was having uncontrollable body movements idk wtf happened. They didn't inpatient me because i had initially kind of just known yea this isn't gnna kill me it just sucks so my brother had taken me to the hospital, None of them know it was really me trying to attempt and failing miserably and embarrassing myself and once again disappointing the fuck out of everyone. But since then i've learned god damn the human body is insane and i am also terrified of pain. but anyways knowing it's not the first time i've put them through this and this time is finally gonna be bye bye makes me really sad and it gives me such a heart wrenching feeling and i hope they can find it in them to forgive me, but i just can't keep living my life trying and trying and not getting anywhere i am trapped in this fvcking mind.
