Feeling empty but not suicidal

[Leonszabs]

I have a lengthy, troubling history with mental illnesses. I pull my hair out, was severely anxious for a long time to the point where I'd regularly get panic attacks, I have an eating disorder, etc. But yet, I am not suicidal as of right now. I used to be, especially before I started transitioning. Currently, I feel very empty. I get happy and whatnot every so often, but I feel like I am just an empty shell. I don't like how I look, I hate that I get pissed off so easily, I feel worthless, etc. Sometimes I think I would actually want to die if I didn't have my two dogs. When one of my dogs got diagnosed with bone cancer about two years ago, I quite literally wanted to jump off a cliff. I was absolutely devastated, but I am so grateful that she is still here with me. Anyways, I am currently on testosterone and it has made it harder for me to cry. I don't think I have literally cried since last year and I am not joking. I also grew up in a household where boys typically don't show their feelings, except for anger, so I grew up keeping that in my mind.

I just want to succeed in something, anything. I want a career, I want to have fun, I want to travel, but I feel like I can't do anything. I try so hard, but I keep getting job rejections, I am running out of money, and I feel like my mom is constantly making sure I know that I am a failure. I am just wondering if anyone here can relate, thanks for reading.

 

[Wolf Girl]

I'm sorry you're going through this. I hate when I get the empties. Do you by any chance have any sensory processing issues? When I get understimulated I sometimes feel empty and that chest-caving-in feeling. It can also be tied to attachment trauma.

Also, the job market is insanely bad if you're in the US, so please do not feel too bad about not getting a job. I have a decade of experience in my field and can't get hired.

 

[Leonszabs]

I'm sorry you're going through this. I hate when I get the empties. Do you by any chance have any sensory processing issues? When I get understimulated I sometimes feel empty and that chest-caving-in feeling. It can also be tied to attachment trauma.

Also, the job market is insanely bad if you're in the US, so please do not feel too bad about not getting a job. I have a decade of experience in my field and can't get hired.

Honestly, I think I do have sensory processing issues now that I think about it. Also, ugh yes I am from the US and the job market is so bad. I literally have an associates degree and I am currently getting my bachelors but I haven't been able to find anything, even entry level jobs. Think I may have to resort to becoming a door dasher lmao

 

[Wolf Girl]

Honestly, I think I do have sensory processing issues now that I think about it. Also, ugh yes I am from the US and the job market is so bad. I literally have an associates degree and I am currently getting my bachelors but I haven't been able to find anything, even entry level jobs. Think I may have to resort to becoming a door dasher lmao

Google "sensory processing disorder sensory diet" and read articles on occupational therapy sites.

Door Dash is a bust in a lot of areas now, too. They aren't accepting new dashers in a lot of areas and even if you get in, there's not enough orders to make any money.