Venting feeling defeated and childish (OCD)

[elkheart]

>haven't felt nearly as suicidal for a couple of days
>almost felt like maybe I have the prospect of "getting better" or trying to access resources that could help (none of which have after decades of mental illness)
>have a therapy appointment for the first time in many, MANY months this morning
>made plans to meet with a friend, started getting ready, feeling excited
>made the "mistake" of looking in the mirror and my OCD got triggered dictating me disgustingly ugly
>cue mental breakdown, it would be an abomination for people to see me exist
>have to cancel plans less than an hour before they happen
>crying because I know it's really stupid that my brain won't let me leave the house if I don't "look right"
>"this is why I don't deserve to have friends, make plans, or live
>insanely defeated, back to actively suicidal, feel even more stupid for regaining any sense of hope even though I've been sure of my CTB plan with SN this time around
>OCD makes it hard for me to even post on SS because I feel "overdramatic" or "can't express myself properly" etc.

living like this is a torturous hell, CTB is the solution for me because "getting better" or "recovering" is next to impossible amounts of work with no guarantee it will ever happen, and for a life on a planet I don't feel excited about even if I wasn't clouded by mental illness, this is the most hopeful I've felt in months, I just thought someone here might understand the mental suffering. I wish I could have gone out with my friend and followed through with my plans, I've lost most of my friendships due to this and haven't gone out all year because I'm too far gone to know it could be any different even when I try

I hate living this way I hate my brain I hate my mind and I hate how there is no winning because of the judgment perpetrated regardless

 

[cemeteryismyhome]

I can relate. I could almost have written close to what you wrote when I was young. I still do similar things but in the "older folks" edition now.

 

[elkheart]

update: was able to get ready tonight and convince myself to leave the house, then friend canceled on me. ahhh now to fight the intrusive thoughts again... I would never have expected to be agoraphobic, I would have laughed at this prospect in the past

I can relate. I could almost have written close to what you wrote when I was young. I still do similar things but in the "older folks" edition now.

can you tell me a bit about your version? :)

 

[Pale_Rider]

well for me the crying part lightened up first. Yes it took a while. I still cry, but not as much. Thats what I can tell you.