littlegermanboy
New Member
- Aug 1, 2022
- 1
Hey y'all. I decided I'ma do it. Don't know when just yet, but I think sometime in the next 6months max. Got two methods I'm contemplating right now, a pack of new razor blades I have that came with a pedicure kit (which is kinda funny for some reason) or something I read in the forum earlier about Nitrate something something. Read that (if done right) you'll pass out in 12mins and be dead by 38, which is p neat in my opinion, and it's also easily accessible so win win.
I'm not setting a firm date yet cuz like, depending on how this week/month goes, my decision will either completely cement or be delayed, all depends. I do wanna state that I mean delayed quite literally. I'm gonna do it finally, but I also gotta get a few things done before, and some might take a bit longer so bleh.
I decided where I'm gonna do it though, for sure. At my old house. Place is abandonded now, it's secluded, it's nostalgic, and also pretty. My plan is to wait for my family to be busy, drive there (with the old car, it doesn't have it's license renewed and it ain't reliable, but it's just a 20min drive and if it fails halfway I can just walk the rest of the way. Cops ain't active this side of town either so ye) and sit down on the front porch after I hop the fence. Only two neighbors nearby last time I was there. Might be new neighbors there, but it's pretty private so even then they won't be nosing. Besides, if they do get curious and try to peak, it won't really matter lol. Hope they don't get too close, don't feel like traumatizing random people.
So, I'm leaning towards the Nitrate thingy. So I'll probably bring a backpack with a pillow, my phone and a phone bank/charger, just in case, headphones, a water bottle or two, gotta read up on the exact measurements n stuff, and the pills duh.
Get there, sit down, post my location on social media real quick so they know where to find me after, and record it. Don't wanna leave a note or anything like that, but I'll leave my phone unlocked and remove my password and stuff. I got enough vent posts in my notes app to satisfy their need to understand.
I already got my outfit planned too. Gonna wear my black cargo pants, the comfy white sneakers and my cute skelanimal tanktop. Maybe a hoodie over it depending on how hot it is that day, don't wanna be uncomfortable y'know.
I hope it's relatively painless. Like, I know that's kinda unrealistic to expect, but I genuinely do hope I pass out before my body starts to react to it. And I also really hope that it works. I don't wanna wake up in a hospital bed. Or fuckinf worse, in the dead of night in the porch feeling like shit. That would suck.
I was feeling angry this morning. And really sad last night. But now I feel calm. I made my decision. Feels good to finally take control of my life again.
One thing I do feel bad for though, my two younger siblings and my two dogs. My younger siblings will eventually heal, though it'll take a decade of therapy and then some. I'll leave my Social Media accounts open though, maybe a timed email if I can figure out how it works, idk. Maybe it'll make it worst for them, but at the end of the day I'll be dead, so it's not like I can feel guilty over it. Or at least, I hope not man, fuck if I know what happens in the afterlife. Imagine that? Dying to escape life and then just going to Hell or worst being a ghost or something like bruh. Actual L.
And my dogs. Man, this one maybe hurts more than my siblings. I love these two so much. Even now, they're still here. If I do chicken out, it'll be cuz of them. Even the thought of leaving them breaks me from my calm right now. Isn't that fucked up? Out of everything, the one factor that makes me hesitate is the idea of my dogs waiting at the door for me to come back.
Shit, okay, maybe I can't do this. What the fuck? Bro now I don't know what to tag this. I was sharing my method and plan cuz I was content with the thought but now I'm like "wait but dog sad" bruh. Also no, I ain't killing my dogs or gifting them away, fuck that, they're mine and I love them.
Ugh, this is why we need to plan ahead. Alright, 6months just became like, 5-10 more years, so these two die of old age.
Fuck me lmfao, pretty sure I need a new plan now that I gotta wait so long. Same method, just whole different scenario. Unless I can buy a gun somehow by then, tho considering my health history and family history and laws where I live, that seems unlikely. I could buy one illegally but like, bro imagine I get jumped by the person selling it, or they just shoot me and paralyze me instead of killing me or fucking r-word me or some shit. Kinda cringe ngl.
I have no idea what I'm even talking about at this point lmfao. Unironically laughing rn, first time I've smiled all day, feels good.
Aight das all, peace y'all
I'm not setting a firm date yet cuz like, depending on how this week/month goes, my decision will either completely cement or be delayed, all depends. I do wanna state that I mean delayed quite literally. I'm gonna do it finally, but I also gotta get a few things done before, and some might take a bit longer so bleh.
I decided where I'm gonna do it though, for sure. At my old house. Place is abandonded now, it's secluded, it's nostalgic, and also pretty. My plan is to wait for my family to be busy, drive there (with the old car, it doesn't have it's license renewed and it ain't reliable, but it's just a 20min drive and if it fails halfway I can just walk the rest of the way. Cops ain't active this side of town either so ye) and sit down on the front porch after I hop the fence. Only two neighbors nearby last time I was there. Might be new neighbors there, but it's pretty private so even then they won't be nosing. Besides, if they do get curious and try to peak, it won't really matter lol. Hope they don't get too close, don't feel like traumatizing random people.
So, I'm leaning towards the Nitrate thingy. So I'll probably bring a backpack with a pillow, my phone and a phone bank/charger, just in case, headphones, a water bottle or two, gotta read up on the exact measurements n stuff, and the pills duh.
Get there, sit down, post my location on social media real quick so they know where to find me after, and record it. Don't wanna leave a note or anything like that, but I'll leave my phone unlocked and remove my password and stuff. I got enough vent posts in my notes app to satisfy their need to understand.
I already got my outfit planned too. Gonna wear my black cargo pants, the comfy white sneakers and my cute skelanimal tanktop. Maybe a hoodie over it depending on how hot it is that day, don't wanna be uncomfortable y'know.
I hope it's relatively painless. Like, I know that's kinda unrealistic to expect, but I genuinely do hope I pass out before my body starts to react to it. And I also really hope that it works. I don't wanna wake up in a hospital bed. Or fuckinf worse, in the dead of night in the porch feeling like shit. That would suck.
I was feeling angry this morning. And really sad last night. But now I feel calm. I made my decision. Feels good to finally take control of my life again.
One thing I do feel bad for though, my two younger siblings and my two dogs. My younger siblings will eventually heal, though it'll take a decade of therapy and then some. I'll leave my Social Media accounts open though, maybe a timed email if I can figure out how it works, idk. Maybe it'll make it worst for them, but at the end of the day I'll be dead, so it's not like I can feel guilty over it. Or at least, I hope not man, fuck if I know what happens in the afterlife. Imagine that? Dying to escape life and then just going to Hell or worst being a ghost or something like bruh. Actual L.
And my dogs. Man, this one maybe hurts more than my siblings. I love these two so much. Even now, they're still here. If I do chicken out, it'll be cuz of them. Even the thought of leaving them breaks me from my calm right now. Isn't that fucked up? Out of everything, the one factor that makes me hesitate is the idea of my dogs waiting at the door for me to come back.
Shit, okay, maybe I can't do this. What the fuck? Bro now I don't know what to tag this. I was sharing my method and plan cuz I was content with the thought but now I'm like "wait but dog sad" bruh. Also no, I ain't killing my dogs or gifting them away, fuck that, they're mine and I love them.
Ugh, this is why we need to plan ahead. Alright, 6months just became like, 5-10 more years, so these two die of old age.
Fuck me lmfao, pretty sure I need a new plan now that I gotta wait so long. Same method, just whole different scenario. Unless I can buy a gun somehow by then, tho considering my health history and family history and laws where I live, that seems unlikely. I could buy one illegally but like, bro imagine I get jumped by the person selling it, or they just shoot me and paralyze me instead of killing me or fucking r-word me or some shit. Kinda cringe ngl.
I have no idea what I'm even talking about at this point lmfao. Unironically laughing rn, first time I've smiled all day, feels good.
Aight das all, peace y'all
