Feeling a lot of guilt, asking for help

[konech]

Hello. At this point I am pretty sure it will be over for me fairly soon. I started slowly giving away some of my possessions that I dont want to just go to waste, trying to keep a cool head and not rush anything before I'm at least fairly certain I am done with my preparations. I have hurt a lot of people around me in life and I don't want to continue doing so in death. This leads me to the most painful and guilt-inducing thing so far: I have two cats I love very much and I want to ensure they are cared for. I feel horrible guilt around the thought of finding them a new home and giving them away, it feels like a betrayal and I wish they weren't in this situation even if I rationally understand they don't have the mental capacity to understand what will happen.
I don't know how to go about this and I just start crying and break down the moment I try to actually start the process of looking for a new home for them, it hurts too much. I feel a lot of guilt around the selfishness of suicide and admittedly I find a lot of comfort and reassurance in the thought of not being there anymore to witness the fallout and the effect it could have on people surrounding me which is terrible and egoistical but it is what it is. With my cats I don't have that selfish escape, I can't cower and turn away from the guilt, I have to face my horrible decisions and actively abandon them; it's so painful, I can't do it, but I can't just leave them be and hope they are cared for after my death either.
Any advice, thoughts or words are appreciated.

 

[Huntfish34]

I'm sorry you are going through all this, I can certainly relate to the guilt and hurting many people throughout my life. A Very lost feeling.... it's terrible to say the Least.

I hope things can change for the better, thoughts and prayers to you-

 

[tonykp]

How about euthanasia? Bring them with yourself to the other side.

 

[konech]

How about euthanasia? Bring them with yourself to the other side.

That's a horrifying suggestion, they don't deserve their life cut short just because I am unable to salvage mine. I want them happy and cared for, not dragged down and gone with me.

 

[Andarosh]

Well as far as I know when cats find new home, they usually forget about their past one. As a person I would make sure that their new home is loving and caring. I would only feel guilty if I didn´t find them the right home.

 

[konech]

Well as far as I know when cats find new home, they usually forget about their past one. As a person I would make sure that their new home is loving and caring. I would only feel guilty if I didn´t find them the right home.

Thank you, the thought of them quickly forgetting me and adjusting to their new home calms me a lot, I really hope it's true.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds like a really difficult situation to be in and it must be hard to deal with. Your feelings are understandable, it certainly is such a cruel and painful existence but I wish you the best.

 

[mind3de]

Maybe that's a good reason to survive? I'm in a similar situation. I recently moved somewhere else and my new apartment is too small, therefore they live somewhere else currently. I will have to give them away but I feel guilty for leaving them.
I wish I could keep them but that's not possible.
So maybe part of your purpose of live is to take care of them? That's at least for the moment a reason to keep living... and maybe later you will feel happy by keeping them.

 

[affinity]

Well as far as I know when cats find new home, they usually forget about their past one. As a person I would make sure that their new home is loving and caring. I would only feel guilty if I didn´t find them the right home.

That isn't uniformly true. Cats, especially mature adult cats, do struggle when separated from their owner, even temporarily. Kittens are usually more adaptable, but adult cats, they do often have a difficult time adjusting bc they are such creatures of habit and contrary to popular belief, most are very loyal to their owner.

There is unfortunately no guarantee unless the OP knows of someone who the cats are familiar with and like.

 

[konech]

Maybe that's a good reason to survive? I'm in a similar situation. I recently moved somewhere else and my new apartment is too small, therefore they live somewhere else currently. I will have to give them away but I feel guilty for leaving them.
I wish I could keep them but that's not possible.
So maybe part of your purpose of live is to take care of them? That's at least for the moment a reason to keep living... and maybe later you will feel happy by keeping them.

I wish I could but I am certain I will be dead, be it by my own hand or not, soon.
I'm really sorry about your situation, I'm sure it brings you a lot of pain to be forced to make that decision, there is no reason for you to feel guilty but I understand you still do

That isn't uniformly true. Cats, especially mature adult cats, do struggle when separated from their owner, even temporarily. Kittens are usually more adaptable, but adult cats, they do often have a difficult time adjusting bc they are such creatures of habit and contrary to popular belief, most are very loyal to their owner.

There is unfortunately no guarantee unless the OP knows of someone who the cats are familiar with and like.

It really brings me a lot of pain to do this, so the least I can do is try to find a person that will take care of them. I am hoping they will find comfort in each other's company too, one of them grew up with the other.
Sadly I only have one relative who would be able to take them in, who is routinely physically abusive, so I don't feel good leaving the cats with her and I am scared that is where they will go if I leave it up to faith and don't control the process while I am able to.

 

[affinity]

I wish I could but I am certain I will be dead, be it by my own hand or not, soon.
I'm really sorry about your situation, I'm sure it brings you a lot of pain to be forced to make that decision, there is no reason for you to feel guilty but I understand you still do

It really brings me a lot of pain to do this, so the least I can do is try to find a person that will take care of them. I am hoping they will find comfort in each other's company too, one of them grew up with the other.

Sadly I only have one relative who would be able to take them in, who is routinely physically abusive, so I don't feel good leaving the cats with her and I am scared that is where they will go if I leave it up to faith and don't control the process while I am able to.

Yes, I agree it's best that you try to re-home them yourself. At least you'll have some degree of control and discretion. I don't mean to make you feel worse, but if they end up in a shelter, that, I can guarantee will traumatize them. If that is your only choice, approach a shelter or rescue you trust and advise them you're terminal and make arrangements that way. At least you'll know they have space and you trust their workers to look out for them while they find a new home.

I don't mean to make you feel even worse. I do understand where you're coming from.

You said something that I may have misunderstood - what did you mean by you'll be dead soon, by your hand or otherwise?

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I think you should gain some solace simply from the fact that you are taking the time to find them a new, forever home. To me, doing everything in your power to find just the right home is not abandoning them at all. It's the opposite of abandoning them.

 

[almaranthine]

I am struggling with the same problem. I don't know what to do with my cat. Regardless of whether I ctb or not, I am going to lose my housing at the end of January and I will no longer be able to provide a home for him. It breaks my heart. I have been distant with him, as he is an outdoor cat, knowing that I will lose him soon. I guess I am trying to make it easier on the little guy. I am very weary to take him to an animal shelter. He is a peculiar cat with an antisocial disposition. He runs from everyone except me, and is not friendly to strangers. The neighborhood kids try to come up and pet him and he is very uncomfortable with them touching him when I'm there (if I'm not around he runs away and hides). He doesn't attack children but he isn't social. I am afraid that if I take him to a shelter he will not find a home

 

[makethepainstop]

That's a horrifying suggestion, they don't deserve their life cut short just because I am unable to salvage mine. I want them happy and cared for, not dragged down and gone with me.

But that is a wonderful quality, that you in your pain can still show love and compassion even unto an animal. You cannot be all bad. Can there be no other way? Much love to you in your pain.

 

[Andarosh]

That isn't uniformly true. Cats, especially mature adult cats, do struggle when separated from their owner, even temporarily. Kittens are usually more adaptable, but adult cats, they do often have a difficult time adjusting bc they are such creatures of habit and contrary to popular belief, most are very loyal to their owner.

There is unfortunately no guarantee unless the OP knows of someone who the cats are familiar with and like.

True I would say kittens are more adaptable but I have heard of one adult cat getting a new home and he adapted quite quickly and without issues. Though yeah, all depends on the cat and how they are flexible in terms of adaptability.

 

[konech]

Yes, I agree it's best that you try to re-home them yourself. At least you'll have some degree of control and discretion. I don't mean to make you feel worse, but if they end up in a shelter, that, I can guarantee will traumatize them. If that is your only choice, approach a shelter or rescue you trust and advise them you're terminal and make arrangements that way. At least you'll know they have space and you trust their workers to look out for them while they find a new home.

I don't mean to make you feel even worse. I do understand where you're coming from.

You said something that I may have misunderstood - what did you mean by you'll be dead soon, by your hand or otherwise?

To clarify I just have a feeling it's time for me to go soon. I think if I don't take it into my own hands fate will somehow.
Thank you, I am not even sure what it may look like where I live, it's a very small town, there are no stray animals so I have never even seen a shelter in my area.
Regardless, I don't want to expose them to any harm after my death.

I am struggling with the same problem. I don't know what to do with my cat. Regardless of whether I ctb or not, I am going to lose my housing at the end of January and I will no longer be able to provide a home for him. It breaks my heart. I have been distant with him, as he is an outdoor cat, knowing that I will lose him soon. I guess I am trying to make it easier on the little guy. I am very weary to take him to an animal shelter. He is a peculiar cat with an antisocial disposition. He runs from everyone except me, and is not friendly to strangers. The neighborhood kids try to come up and pet him and he is very uncomfortable with them touching him when I'm there (if I'm not around he runs away and hides). He doesn't attack children but he isn't social. I am afraid that if I take him to a shelter he will not find a home

That sounds like a horrible situation to be in, I'm sorry, I really hope a good solution will be available to you soon.

But that is a wonderful quality, that you in your pain can still show love and compassion even unto an animal. You cannot be all bad. Can there be no other way? Much love to you in your pain.

Thank you, that's very very kind. I appreciate it even though at this point I am convinced there is no other outcome for me.