Discussion Do you still want to die when you feel happy?

[Somewhat Suicidal]

If I'm happy but not distracted enough, reality and the weight of it will fix that quickly. Yeah I might be in a good mood, but that doesn't change how awful everything still is and how rare feeling good or happy truly is. Sure I can be in a good mood, or happy while enjoying something, but the big picture never leaves my mind. You can also have periods of happiness even while being sick, I'm constantly struggling with health issues. My existence is fucking shit. More than I can handle or cope with. Momentary distractions don't change that. Sometimes I want the brief happiness to last longer, sometimes I wonder if I should capitalize on that happiness and CTB on a high note. Actually find it kind of funny, like something out of a dark comedy. "Wow I'm actually really happy right now... Well, time to off myself!"

I know what you mean, you put into words better than I could.

 

[Nat.]

I don't believe in happiness; I believe we can enjoy moments. And I do sometimes, but I still want to die because those moments don't mean anything and aren't worth it.

 

[echoedleaf]

yes, it's kind of a nagging thing at the back of my mind

 

[roseblade]

It depends on what you mean by happy. These days, I find it very hard to be what I would call happy. I feel the best/least suicidal when I'm distracted by something like a video game or the internet. But pretty much anything that reminds me of real life even for a moment brings back the feeling of dread and weight in my chest that's more or less omnipresent. There are moments when I wake up in the morning sometimes where I'll be halfway-conscious, and I'll feel blissful and happy, and in those moments I don't want to die, but then I can feel something twinge in my chest and it all comes flooding back. It's like my fight-or-flight system sometimes goes on standby when I'm asleep or distracted, but if I'm conscious it comes back immediately. Being aware of how I feel makes me start thinking that the feeling is inescapable no matter what I do, and that's makes me want to die. Smoking weed can help me be more distractable, and makes my body feel less heavy, but it can also paradoxically make me more aware, and make me feel worse. My tolerance is pretty high which likely contributes, but I'll feel good enough that it's hard not to reach for it whenever I feel an emotion I don't like

 

[HNR_]

Eh, it's not on my mind when it happens but I don't feel that sense of guilt; if anything, I think about these moments as something that softens the blow of the usual fatigue and pain I feel a good chunk of the time

On the topic of love, in a way, I'm glad that things didn't work out between my ex and I since I wouldn't have wanted him to go through grief
I also don't allow myself to get new friends or pursue anyone romantically for that reason, even though I doubt it'd realistically make that much of a difference, I'm not really the most interested and/or hot guy lol

 

[suncide10]

I like music so I think it'd be cool if I put on some music, close my eyes and then in a random moment I'd just die instantly.

 

[Lost in a Dream]

I don't experience the guilt like you do, but when I do experience happiness because of good food, a video game I love, a story I'm writing, or some alcohol or weed, I still think about suicide because I know my happiness will only be temporary. The trauma I've experienced in my life and my health problems will always find a way to ruin that happiness, however long it lasts.

I realized a while back that even on my good days, my life would inevitably end by suicide. It's not a matter of if for me, only of when. It may not be right this moment, but some day it will happen.

 

[rainhappy]

I mentioned this in another post, but thinking about my suicide actually brings me joy because it's as if I were writing a play with a specific staging that would make perfect sense thanks to the staging and its symbolism. When I'm depressed about life in general and can't see a single thing that could make me happy, thinking about my suicide makes me happy because I'm doing something that motivates me—an activity that's certainly morbid, but one that really gets to me.

 

[Somewhat Suicidal]

It depends on what you mean by happy. These days, I find it very hard to be what I would call happy. I feel the best/least suicidal when I'm distracted by something like a video game or the internet. But pretty much anything that reminds me of real life even for a moment brings back the feeling of dread and weight in my chest that's more or less omnipresent.

I relate a lot.

There are moments when I wake up in the morning sometimes where I'll be halfway-conscious, and I'll feel blissful and happy, and in those moments I don't want to die, but then I can feel something twinge in my chest and it all comes flooding back.

Vice versa for me, if I have these moments it's in the evening. Mornings are just the worst, as in "why the hell did I have to wake up to dreadful reality again". Even some of the weird dreams or nightmares sometimes feel like a better place to exist within.

It's like my fight-or-flight system sometimes goes on standby when I'm asleep or distracted, but if I'm conscious it comes back immediately. Being aware of how I feel makes me start thinking that the feeling is inescapable no matter what I do, and that's makes me want to die.

Sounds like the third of the bunch: freeze

Smoking weed can help me be more distractable, and makes my body feel less heavy, but it can also paradoxically make me more aware, and make me feel worse. My tolerance is pretty high which likely contributes, but I'll feel good enough that it's hard not to reach for it whenever I feel an emotion I don't like

Same for me. I stopped completely at this point, had medical for years before, which somewhat kept me stable in a way better place than right now. Wasn't able to achieve much back then either, but a little more and the general feeling was a lot less bad, plus I wasn't actively thinking about wanting to just die back then.
I still tried it on/off with the little I had left and it gave me some relief as I noticed, even some resemblance of hope. I'm completely torn about it being good or bad for me to smoke weed or not. But for the time being I just have to stop it anyway as I'll soon be trying some of the few treatment options that I haven't yet.
At first, when I came from smoking 1g per day, it was definitely hard to to to withdraw, but with just the occasional consumption as of late, it's not really been an issue that much. I still miss the feeling of being a bit more distanced from all the problems tho. I smoke tobacco too, so I do that will rolls and active coal filters now, somewhat of a substitute

 

[RadiantNumber]

Yes, happiness is temporary

 

[iwanttodie019]

yes becaus ehappines is uselss

I feel guilt with happiness because I feel like I don't deserve it. It feels like love can go away in an instant and I'm not good enough for it to stick around. Nothing makes my suicidal thoughts/feelings go away. Is it like that for you?

 

[Insufficent]

Like many other here.
The suicide is there as a futureplan. Like a plan to get in a school, or a job, a reationship etc.
My next futureplan is to die.
When depends entirely on the mood. It's been very little in my mind. Might be the physical exrecise i've been doing, somewhat healthier eatimg habbits and the illusion of a good future that comes from the increased neurochemicals from said exercising.
Now just by watching news, social media, peple at work, at streets, feeling my aching soulder and knees. Or just waking up at middle of the night because of neighbour's pot smoking really pops the bubble of a good life/future and brings the reality back.

Reminds me of a time when i told my mother that happines is temporary and the "depression" is my normal and real feeling. Idiot just angrily hissed at me to get to the hospital because i might have something more than just a depression.

 

[decadance]

no matter how im feeling i still want to die. i feel the desire to die so deep in my heart and brain that i think no matter the direction my life goes, even if things get better, ill still kill myself someday
this world is filled with so much pain and my existence feels wrong in so many ways. i hope reincarnation doesn't exist bc i dont wanna return here

 

[PrisonPlanet]

I can have moments of happiness but I still don't want to be on the planet and I would rather just sleep and do nothing all day long anyway.

I still don't have a good job and you can't do anything without money.

Literally the only thing that would make me want to live is having a decent paying job. I'm only asking for $55-60k a year, I don't think that's asking for much.

 

[SimpleLivingThing]

for me, I think my SI exists on a sliding scale where most of the time it's just there looking over my shoulder, sometimes it gets bad enough that I start planning, and once in a blue moon I actually feel okay with life. I guess the more direct answer is that it's more passive when I'm happy, but rarely actually disappears