Discussion Do you still want to die when you feel happy?

[Indecisivesandollar]

I feel guilt with happiness because I feel like I don't deserve it. It feels like love can go away in an instant and I'm not good enough for it to stick around. Nothing makes my suicidal thoughts/feelings go away. Is it like that for you?

 

[Terabyte32]

Sad but I agree, I struggle with the same issue.

 

[90377lethe]

No, when I feel happy I don't want to die.

 

[hihi2027]

I have problems with that as well. Always have suicide in my mind. It never goes away

 

[_Gollum_]

Always. Existence is fundamentally wrong. Happiness just lets you cope with it better. It's a bandaid on a gaping wound.

 

[Seneca65AD]

Short answer: Yes.
Longer Answer: The desire to die is always there, regardless of whether I'm happy, sad, or just blase. My emotions only affect the likelihood of carrying out the deed myself. Sad? Then the desire to self-delete increases. Happy? The desire diminishes, but I would still prefer not to be here.

 

[TwistedNightmares]

Yes, I still want to die even when I feel happy for a brief moment. I know my life is not worth living in the long run.

 

[lexx]

No but rarely i'm happy

 

[grungy自殺]

Yeah... It truly be like that... Especially since i'm not supposed to continue standing here

I'm supposed to be dead years ago

 

[freycinetia]

To me happiness always comes with the expectation that it's all just gonna go back to being shit anyway. Maybe I'm less inclined to die in the moment, but the suffering doesn't end just because I got something to smile about for 15 seconds.

 

[melodrama]

Yes, because happiness is temporary. Sadness is too. But I view my suicidal urges as a form of sadness at its most extreme, and that is something I cannot escape.

Sometimes I feel like being happy is just a form of self-mockery.

 

[Preh1storic_Rib]

often it makes me want to die more

 

[SleepyCanet]

Absolutely not, but I have that voice that tells me, YOU KNOW IT'S GONNA BE BAD AGAIN SO WHY EVEN TRY JUST DO IT ALREADY

 

[Somewhat Suicidal]

Not really, but the thing is I haven't really encountered happiness in a long time.

Sure, I entertained it for small periods when there was enough sensory input to make my ADHD brain hyper focus on that, so I get tunnel vision for these periods. But it's never sustained because it's never long enough to make life circumstances actually change in a way for the better that would actually take my sadness about all the failures and lacks in my life away. So the end result is that I'm always sad about not having friends, not having a girlfriend, not having sex, not having a career, not having anything that normal people get in their lives.

I still used to have hope to improve all these areas in my life until a few months ago, but with every time I seriously try to make things better and fail with it I end up feeling worse and this time it feels very final that my wish is just to CTB to make that neverending downwards spiral finally end. Also, with ev very bit of research I've done on how to work all these problems the mountain of things that I would need to get right in order to actually achieve them seems larger and larger and more impossible to successfully cope with

 

[TheEndof]

It's so rare these days for me to feel true happiness. I have moments, and I guess I would say I don't feel like dying in those moments. But it's so brief.

 

[4everrotten]

Those thoughts are always present—whether I feel miserable, euphoric, or neutral. To me, CTB is an inevitable fact, like my next birthday; and just as with my birthday, I sometimes feel more excitement or dread about it

 

[valar_morghulis21]

I feel guilt with happiness because I feel like I don't deserve it. It feels like love can go away in an instant and I'm not good enough for it to stick around. Nothing makes my suicidal thoughts/feelings go away. Is it like that for you?

Yeah kinda of. Or more like a bittersweet feeling cause I know this won't last forever. I always gotta brace myself for the next depression, suicidal, anxiety, or whatever self-sabotage bullshit to come. Not a good way to live, but well I try

 

[caotic_realm]

To me, happiness is an illusion—I realize this instantly. Although I try to enjoy the moment or put bad times out of my mind, I know that unhappiness, pain, and sadness are there too—whether in the past, the present, or the future. Unhappy moments will inevitably arise, and one must endure them, provided one can grasp that happiness is simply part of existence.

 

[Penelope12]

I haven't been Happy for about Two Years. Just depression

 

[vanillacakeyyy]

it's a weird mix of happiness but also dread whenever i can temporarily feel it? i can pretend that i'm going to be okay but my brain knows that ill go back to those thoughts whenever im alone again

 

[Dawnfang]

I can somewhat relate. Sometimes I can get happy/content enough that I'm not even thinking of suicide anymore, but it always comes back eventually, and that pushes me to make plans, settle my affairs and not get involved with anything long term. I'm just self-sabotaging hoping that I'll be suicidal enough to finally ctb again at this point.

 

[elenaboo25]

Even though I am currently trying to get better, I want to die every day. Some days I want to die more, and some days I want to die less.

 

[Somewhat Suicidal]

To me, happiness is an illusion—I realize this instantly. Although I try to enjoy the moment or put bad times out of my mind, I know that unhappiness, pain, and sadness are there too—whether in the past, the present, or the future. Unhappy moments will inevitably arise, and one must endure them, provided one can grasp that happiness is simply part of existence.

It's just about their proportion to one another. It's not worth it imo to work your ass off to be indifferent or happy (mostly the former in my case) like 2-5% of the time while being unhappy 95-98% of the time. Just doesn't make sense from an effort to reward perspective.

 

[Death Diviner]

I still wouldn't mind a bullet to the skull.

 

[bl33ding_heart]

I just feel like the happiness will be very short lasted. So there's no reason for me to enjoy it and get hopeful.

 

[delinquentsandwich]

as many of the others have said- any happiness is fleeting

I envy those who have happiness come to them
those who fight despite the very unbalanced rewards

I'd personally love to die while feeling happy

 

[GoodOleJasper]

At this point, yes. Used to be that when I was happy I would want to live but not anymore. I reached a point where I simply lost my will to live. Even at my happiest (which is a rare occurence and it's closer to being at peace and not actively suffering than being truly happy) I would choose death and the blissfulness of non-existence. This world has become a hostile place to me and my existence a prison.

 

[pk@2001]

I don't think there is anything left in my life which can be bring me any sort of happiness
But even if it will, I have still made up mind to get rid of this suffering

 

[unluckysadness]

I don't remember what happiness is, so I cannot properly reply. Anyway, I don't believe in happiness. I believe more in moments of joy.

 

[abstractcat7]

If I'm happy but not distracted enough, reality and the weight of it will fix that quickly. Yeah I might be in a good mood, but that doesn't change how awful everything still is and how rare feeling good or happy truly is. Sure I can be in a good mood, or happy while enjoying something, but the big picture never leaves my mind. You can also have periods of happiness even while being sick, I'm constantly struggling with health issues. My existence is fucking shit. More than I can handle or cope with. Momentary distractions don't change that. Sometimes I want the brief happiness to last longer, sometimes I wonder if I should capitalize on that happiness and CTB on a high note. Actually find it kind of funny, like something out of a dark comedy. "Wow I'm actually really happy right now... Well, time to off myself!"