Venting Feel like ending it all

[gu1klh]

Its currently 4:21am. I have to get up for work at 5:45am. I just finished an argument with my boyfriend. I feel so guilty, regretful, shameful. I want to kill myself. I can't deal with this. He seems so kind and i just keep messing up. At some point, i saw death. It was waiting for me. I had three panic attacks in this night. Thats when i saw death. It was awaiting me. I told myself that i will jump in front of my train today morning, once i go to work. I dont think i actually will, too many things holding me back. But i feel so close. I feel so done. I feel so flawed. I feel so wrong. I feel so shameful and guilty and regretful. I hate myself and i hate everyone around me. I want to die but i also dont. Please make this stop. I can't take it anymore

Lil update: i made it to work, i didnt go near the railway station where i was planning on doing it because i overslept. i got myself a red bull and hope that i will somehow survive this shitty fucking day. my boyfriend is asleep because hes got holidays, while im over here surviving on 2.5h of sleep :)
I hate my life and i hope i get like hit by a bus or something like that