Fear of limbo

[jessie.freeman77]

So to get right into things, the main reason I want to ctb is because of my inhalant induced brain injury I suffered from a nitrous oxide overdose in December 2021. Since the instant it happened I've been stuck in an extremely debilitated state where I've lost the use of all my executive functions (planning, organizing, concentrating, decision making, calculating) along with many other impairments (learning/memory, introspection, experiencing deep emotion) that have ultimately brought me to this desiscion. I can't stand living anymore and can't wait to ctb but at the same time I'm terrified of what may come after. I'm extremely worried that I'll extend my limited state into the afterlife have to be like this for all eternity. But I feel it's the best choice I can make as there's nothing I have left to enjoy in my life besides automatic pleasures (physical comfort, sleeping, eating, music, etc)
I'd like to have hope that I can potentiality regrow as a person and regain enough of what I've lost to be content with my life again, but it's been 14 months like this and I've noticed little recovery. I know that I'll never be able to build the life that I wantedto create for myself, or ever form a romantic relationship with someone. My life is over and there's nothing left I have to look forward to.

Curious if anyone else on here is in a similar situation from brain injury. And also if anyone knows of any evidence that hypoxic injuries/encephalopathy affects somebody's NDE experience.

 

[missingpeace]

I am in a similar position myself, I've had an incident happen to me where I have lost all cognitive function including all emotional abilities, I can't think, have any reaction to music/movies or anything I do. I can't relate to people or have any empathy. I am a living zombie.. this situation will probably not change. Although I've tried all I can to fix it. I havn't worked in 2 years and I was once highly functional and so aware, noone understands what I'm going through and what I've lost, I'm sick of people wanting to keep me alive. I'm ready to ctb but unable to face pain, wish I could just end my life and get out of here. Regarding NDE, I don't know what we will experience but I don't think it will be more than just blackness.

 

[donttellmybf2004]

Couple severe brain injuries as a child, seizures. I really relate to what you're saying. The unable to feel deep emotion bit really hit me. It hounds me that my emotional ability is at the 5% mark forever. I feel like I have to be constantly role-playing someone who has functioning brain abilities. I also get scared the afterlife will be more of this, but I think I have hope that the injuries of this life won't carry over. I guess there's no promises to what happens after death, but I like to believe it will be kind.

 

[jessie.freeman77]

Couple severe brain injuries as a child, seizures. I really relate to what you're saying. The unable to feel deep emotion bit really hit me. It hounds me that my emotional ability is at the 5% mark forever. I feel like I have to be constantly role-playing someone who has functioning brain abilities. I also get scared the afterlife will be more of this, but I think I have hope that the injuries of this life won't carry over. I guess there's no promises to what happens after death, but I like to believe it will be kind.

I am in a similar position myself, I've had an incident happen to me where I have lost all cognitive function including all emotional abilities, I can't think, have any reaction to music/movies or anything I do. I can't relate to people or have any empathy. I am a living zombie.. this situation will probably not change. Although I've tried all I can to fix it. I havn't worked in 2 years and I was once highly functional and so aware, noone understands what I'm going through and what I've lost, I'm sick of people wanting to keep me alive. I'm ready to ctb but unable to face pain, wish I could just end my life and get out of here. Regarding NDE, I don't know what we will experience but I don't think it will be more than just blackness.

I am in a similar position myself, I've had an incident happen to me where I have lost all cognitive function including all emotional abilities, I can't think, have any reaction to music/movies or anything I do. I can't relate to people or have any empathy. I am a living zombie.. this situation will probably not change. Although I've tried all I can to fix it. I havn't worked in 2 years and I was once highly functional and so aware, noone understands what I'm going through and what I've lost, I'm sick of people wanting to keep me alive. I'm ready to ctb but unable to face pain, wish I could just end my life and get out of here. Regarding NDE, I don't know what we will experience but I don't think it will be more than just blackness.

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I can definitely relate to you in terms of people not understanding whats going on. My family tells me that I sound find and that nothing is wrong. My brother even recently tried telling me that I'm making it up and using it as an excuse to not do anything.
My doctor's probably the only person I talk to who takes my situation seriously.

But yes, an afterlife of "nothingness" where we exist only as our awareness would be paradise. I fantasize about it almost constantly.
Really wish I wasn't so concerned with dying in the perfect environment and could just get things over with...

Couple severe brain injuries as a child, seizures. I really relate to what you're saying. The unable to feel deep emotion bit really hit me. It hounds me that my emotional ability is at the 5% mark forever. I feel like I have to be constantly role-playing someone who has functioning brain abilities. I also get scared the afterlife will be more of this, but I think I have hope that the injuries of this life won't carry over. I guess there's no promises to what happens after death, but I like to believe it will be kind.

I'm so sorry to hear that you suffered your brain damage as a child. I was 20 when my incident happened and can't imagine being like this throughout childhood. I find it extremely brave that you've been willing to exist in this state as long as you have.

I understand what you mean by having to roleplay as a non-brain injured person. It's extremely hard for me to think of things to say during conversations and to maintain focus on the subject being talked about, so I usually say little to nothing when around people.

If you don't mind me asking, what were the causes of your brain injuries?

 

[jessie.freeman77]

Couple severe brain injuries as a child, seizures. I really relate to what you're saying. The unable to feel deep emotion bit really hit me. It hounds me that my emotional ability is at the 5% mark forever. I feel like I have to be constantly role-playing someone who has functioning brain abilities. I also get scared the afterlife will be more of this, but I think I have hope that the injuries of this life won't carry over. I guess there's no promises to what happens after death, but I like to believe it will be ki

Couple severe brain injuries as a child, seizures. I really relate to what you're saying. The unable to feel deep emotion bit really hit me. It hounds me that my emotional ability is at the 5% mark forever. I feel like I have to be constantly role-playing someone who has functioning brain abilities. I also get scared the afterlife will be more of this, but I think I have hope that the injuries of this life won't carry over. I guess there's no promises to what happens after death, but I like to believe it will be kind.

I realize now that by "couple severe brain injuries as a child, seizures" you most likely meant that the seizures were the cause of your brain damage, and not an outcome of it which I had thought.

Sorry for the misunderstanding.

 

[theboy]

Oh, so bad

Is your brain damage due to a CTB attempt or was it an accident?

I too am afraid of what will happen after death.

 

[jessie.freeman77]

Oh, so bad

Is your brain damage due to a CTB attempt or was it an accident?

I too am afraid of what will happen after death.

Oh, so bad

Is your brain damage due to a CTB attempt or was it an accident?

I too am afraid of what will happen after death.

It was from an accident, though it was completely my fault that it happened in the first place.

I was inhaling nitrous oxide from a refillable whipped cream dispenser (6th time ever using it, yet unfortunately the most I had ever used at one time) while alone at my house. I was fine after inhaling the first 8 cartridges, but after inhaling the 9th one (somewhere between 15 and 20 minutes after my session had started) I felt a brief, sharp pain in the center of and top of my head followed by a feeling that I can only describe as "energy depletion". In that moment my symptoms began have been with me since.