Discussion Fantasizing about terminal illness

[hopscotch]

Just curious, does anyone else regularly fantasize about terminal illness? I feel like there must really be something special in life because so many people DO follow through with it, but it seems to me as if I can never attain it the way I am, and the way I continue to be. I'm always too scared to ctb, but I don't think I've been happy for years and years. I feel like if I had late stage cancer or something and had a limited timeframe to live the pressure would really force me to find some joy in life, with the added benefit of not having to worry about the future. I can't really believe that life is all suffering, because sometimes I can look at a tree with flowers and think 'oh, that's nice', but it just seems so transient-- I think when you know something will end you are forced to appreciate it more, like some sort of procrastinator of joy having to work their ass off before life's deadline.

Anyway, it's obviously not really something I can control, but here's to hoping that I get some terminal illness instead of some other poor sap who's already happy, even if I do come to regret it later when I find out being terminally ill isn't as nice as I make it out to be. (Because I have very little doubt if I DO get terminally ill I won't be much a fan, but there's never been harm in romanticizing something unattainable I guess)

 

[scottyy]

Yeah I romanticize having a terminal illness all the time
Today I was lip syncing the words in the film "the watchmen" when a bad guy character tells the hero that he has cancer and says: "Ya know the kind you eventually get better from? That ain't the kind I got."
But I know that I would feel fear and immediately think about all the stuff I could've done but didn't.
My health isn't that great anyways and it could be a possibility. I need to get some blood work done to see if my organs are healthy.
But yeah, I do that alot when ideating.
Reminds me of a stand up comedians routine about fantasizing in school about his parents being dead and the cute girl in class suddenly talks to him and comforts him lol

 

[divinemistress36]

Yes! I live in the USA if I was terminal I could qualify for assisted suicide and I could get doped up on a bunch of morphine until then

 

[scottyy]

Yes! I live in the USA if I was terminal I could qualify for assisted suicide and I could get doped up on a bunch of morphine until then

Right? Thats my line of thinking too. In Canada they postponed passing legislation for euthanasia for the mentally ill for another two years. But it seems to be readily available for the terminally ill

 

[divinemistress36]

Right? Thats my line of thinking too. In Canada they postponed passing legislation for euthanasia for the mentally ill for another two years. But it seems to be readily available for the terminally ill

Ugh its disgusting how we are just expected to suffer

 

[escape_from_hell]

Feel exactly the same as you.
It just takes all the indecision away. Remaining money will be spent efficiently vs trying to save and budget for uncertain inflation/currency war/technology impact on career etc. It's done and you have a set period to get it all out and be done with it, your family would understand and get the 'byes' in properly.

The downside would be the type of disease and how miserable those final days would be. Plenty of drugs would be taken of course but they can only do so much to help if it's absolutely agonizing. The more agonizing the expected end the more accepting/understanding your CTB will be for your family and for yourself really.

Would we feel the same way if the government knocked on our door one day and gave us a one year notice for mandatory euthanasia (for whatever imaginary scenario this fantasy would take place)?

 

[Raindancer]

No, but I had stage 3 cancer and I often regret getting treatment. I could already be gone and at peace, although it would have been an absolutely horrible way to go as the type I had almost always metastasized to the brain. So I am not really sure if I would have just let it go. I do know that if I relapse or get another type, that the only treatment am doing is natural and then would possibly qualify for aid in dying. I feel so guilty at times, as knowing someone or a few people, young women with children dying of cancer who want nothing more to live and see their kids grow up and I would trade places with them in a heartbeat.

 

[Throwawayacc3]

I disagree with this. The only "good" thing about operations is being put to sleep. As @Raindancer mentions above we both got cancer (he unfortunately got the shit end of the stick compared to me) and it isn't fun. You can't really do anything.

Terminal illness is the not the way.

 

[hopscotch]

I disagree with this. The only "good" thing about operations is being put to sleep. As @/Raindancer mentions above we both got cancer (he unfortunately got the shit end of the stick compared to me) and it isn't fun. You can't really do anything.

Terminal illness is the not the way.

I get it! I do not mean to imply in actuality terminal illness is in any way fun, only that it seems to represent some ideal state I'd rather be in. It's just a thought; like I said at the end of the initial post, I have very little faith that being terminally ill would actually fix very much in my life. It would probably only cause more problems. I am sorry about the situation you were/are in, and I hope it gets/has gotten better in one way or another.

 

[Throwawayacc3]

I get it! I do not mean to imply in actuality terminal illness is in any way fun, only that it seems to represent some ideal state I'd rather be in. It's just a thought; like I said at the end of the initial post, I have very little faith that being terminally ill would actually fix very much in my life. It would probably only cause more problems. I am sorry about the situation you were/are in, and I hope it gets/has gotten better in one way or another.

It's not required - the gas before the op will knock you out so fast. Just up the strength and job done. You don't need the illness to make you so weak you can't even turn the knob on the canister on.

 

[gazap]

I have a terminal illness, a muscle wasting disease which is robbing me of my bodily function every month. Trust, me, its no fun! Im in constant pain 24/7, im losing my ability to speak, and it wont be long before I have to have someone to take me to the toilet. I have to be moved every 2 hours in bed as I dont have the muscle strength to do it myself. I have many bed sores as my muscles waste, stiffen, and put pressure on my tendons and ligaments. Your dignity goes straight out of the window. The irony is that Ive always been suicidal and decided that if I hadnt had gotten my shit together by the time I was 40, I would ctb. I got diagnosed with ALS a month before my 40th birthday. the irony! If there is a God then he's one twisted piece of work. I would have MUCH preferred to ctb on my terms but now Im having to decide between two options : 1 - wait for the disease to kill me (hospice care, no dignity, having to wear a diaper! eventually dying from failing diaphragm failure) OR doing it myself. There is a third option, I could go to dignitas. Many people with my condition go there, but its expensive and I cant afford it.

I thought that having a terminal disease would change my outlook on life...nope! It just reinforced my negative outlook, and in all honesty, I cant wait to die and leave this mental and phyiscal pain behind.

 

[doneforlife]

I disagree with this. The only "good" thing about operations is being put to sleep. As @Raindancer mentions above we both got cancer (he unfortunately got the shit end of the stick compared to me) and it isn't fun. You can't really do anything.

Terminal illness is the not the way.

Sorry to hear this. Hope both are doing well. Even though your presence here says otherwise. I have known people for denying chemo. If you don't mind my asking, do they deny it cause chemo is painful or do they deny it cause they have already given up. How do they deal with the pain ...the physical pain.

 

[Throwawayacc3]

Sorry to hear this. Hope both are doing well. Even though your presence here says otherwise. I have known people for denying chemo. If you don't mind my asking, do they deny it cause chemo is painful or do they deny it cause they have already given up. How do they deal with the pain ...the physical pain.

I don't know. Mine was back in 2012 and they said I could do a trial. It was basically heavy monitoring - CT scans, X RAYS, blood tests. For about 5/6 years. I can't comment on chemo stuff as I didn't have it. It was suggested but it was decided go this route instead.

 

[doneforlife]

I don't know. Mine was back in 2012 and they said I could do a trial. It was basically heavy monitoring - CT scans, X RAYS, blood tests. For about 5/6 years. I can't comment on chemo stuff as I didn't have it. It was suggested but it was decided go this route instead.

Thanks!

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

I have a terminal illness, a muscle wasting disease which is robbing me of my bodily function every month. Trust, me, its no fun! Im in constant pain 24/7, im losing my ability to speak, and it wont be long before I have to have someone to take me to the toilet. I have to be moved every 2 hours in bed as I dont have the muscle strength to do it myself. I have many bed sores as my muscles waste, stiffen, and put pressure on my tendons and ligaments. Your dignity goes straight out of the window. The irony is that Ive always been suicidal and decided that if I hadnt had gotten my shit together by the time I was 40, I would ctb. I got diagnosed with ALS a month before my 40th birthday. the irony! If there is a God then he's one twisted piece of work. I would have MUCH preferred to ctb on my terms but now Im having to decide between two options : 1 - wait for the disease to kill me (hospice care, no dignity, having to wear a diaper! eventually dying from failing diaphragm failure) OR doing it myself. There is a third option, I could go to dignitas. Many people with my condition go there, but its expensive and I cant afford it.

I thought that having a terminal disease would change my outlook on life...nope! It just reinforced my negative outlook, and in all honesty, I cant wait to die and leave this mental and phyiscal pain behind.

Does your illness increase your desire to CTB and/or ability to overcome surviva instinct? As much as I fantasize about having one, I know it's easy to say when I'm healthy. I know I would probably freak out like a little wuss if I ever got one. I just pray that if I do get one, i will be able to finally CTB without fear. I have a very low tolerance for pain, especially physical pain. I'm am sorry for what you are going through.

 

[hadenough58]

I doubt it would be the quick and painless way I am looking for but it would take the decision out of my hands.

 

[willitpass]

I wish that I could take the body of someone with a terminal illness who wants to live. I treat my body beyond horribly, I'm actually currently microoverdosing on tylenol every day in hopes I may fuck my liver beyond help and deny any treatment. If I got a terminal illness not only could I deny treatment without being forced into it as they do with mental health, but you can qualify for hospice and be given comfort measures. You also have the ability to talk with your family and friends about your impending death and process it with them rather than hide it. If it were possible to take the place of someone who is dying and wants to live I would do it in a heart beat. I always feel so guilty that so many people die who don't want to and I was given a healthy body yet have wanted to die since I was a child. If only I could swap bodies.

 

[JFED]

Whenever a good person in my life is diagnosed with cancer I wish I could take it for them.

 

[doneforlife]

Feel exactly the same as you.
It just takes all the indecision away. Remaining money will be spent efficiently vs trying to save and budget for uncertain inflation/currency war/technology impact on career etc. It's done and you have a set period to get it all out and be done with it, your family would understand and get the 'byes' in properly.

The downside would be the type of disease and how miserable those final days would be. Plenty of drugs would be taken of course but they can only do so much to help if it's absolutely agonizing. The more agonizing the expected end the more accepting/understanding your CTB will be for your family and for yourself really.

Would we feel the same way if the government knocked on our door one day and gave us a one year notice for mandatory euthanasia (for whatever imaginary scenario this fantasy would take place)?

"It just takes all the indecision away. Remaining money will be spent efficiently vs trying to save and budget for uncertain inflation/currency war/technology impact on career etc."

This is one thing I keep pondering on. If I had access to painless exit beyond a certain specific age , the above statement would still be valid. Not knowing till what age we are going to live puts unnecessary strain on financial management.

 

[clown_17]

A terminal illness would be the dream. I could genuinely say goodbye to my family without worrying them or feeling guilty, I could be drugged up on painkillers for a while beforehand, and then one day I die but I'm so faded from the meds that I don't even realize it. It's annoying how terminal illness go to those who actually want to live and not those who want to die

 

[minusgrader]

Yeah, I do that to. And that I get into a fatal accident.

 

[escape_from_hell]

I have a terminal illness, a muscle wasting disease which is robbing me of my bodily function every month. Trust, me, its no fun! Im in constant pain 24/7, im losing my ability to speak, and it wont be long before I have to have someone to take me to the toilet. I have to be moved every 2 hours in bed as I dont have the muscle strength to do it myself. I have many bed sores as my muscles waste, stiffen, and put pressure on my tendons and ligaments. Your dignity goes straight out of the window. The irony is that Ive always been suicidal and decided that if I hadnt had gotten my shit together by the time I was 40, I would ctb. I got diagnosed with ALS a month before my 40th birthday. the irony! If there is a God then he's one twisted piece of work. I would have MUCH preferred to ctb on my terms but now Im having to decide between two options : 1 - wait for the disease to kill me (hospice care, no dignity, having to wear a diaper! eventually dying from failing diaphragm failure) OR doing it myself. There is a third option, I could go to dignitas. Many people with my condition go there, but its expensive and I cant afford it.

I thought that having a terminal disease would change my outlook on life...nope! It just reinforced my negative outlook, and in all honesty, I cant wait to die and leave this mental and phyiscal pain behind.

Damn I feel for you. Very sad to hear about your state. Nature is just some brutal shit.
Hope you get the solace you deserve and the process goes as comfortably as possible for you no matter how it pans out.
It won't help much because we are all so damned powerless in this world but know that at least one person out there heard your story and was moved and wishes you well, even if I don't know you.

Nothing is ever glamorous like we imagine, like a movie where they tell you "you've got six months" and you're just fine up until the last few days. I doubt many terminal illnesses fit that criteria. Nature gives convicted criminals with a set execution date more grace. Fuck.

 

[gazap]

Damn I feel for you. Very sad to hear about your state. Nature is just some brutal shit.
Hope you get the solace you deserve and the process goes as comfortably as possible for you no matter how it pans out.
It won't help much because we are all so damned powerless in this world but know that at least one person out there heard your story and was moved and wishes you well, even if I don't know you.

Nothing is ever glamorous like we imagine, like a movie where they tell you "you've got six months" and you're just fine up until the last few days. I doubt many terminal illnesses fit that criteria. Nature gives convicted criminals with a set execution date more grace. Fuck.

thank you for your kind words, they mean a lot. Yeah, nature's a real bitch! It's such a cliche but I never thought that this is how it would end for me. I feel like Im being punished by some unseen force. Ive been through sexual abuse, ptsd and just when I was getting better I was hit with the ALS diagnosis.

I guess it depends on the disease regarding living your best life. I was becoming more disabled by the month so I had to think methodically regarding travelling. It got too dangerous in the end so I just had to cancel. It might be different for those with cancers who can move around, Im not too sure tbh. My friend died a few months ago from cancer, and again, her disease was rapid, brutal and painful. I find myself so engrossed in the disease that I just cannot wait to die now because it is soul destroying.

Does your illness increase your desire to CTB and/or ability to overcome surviva instinct? As much as I fantasize about having one, I know it's easy to say when I'm healthy. I know I would probably freak out like a little wuss if I ever got one. I just pray that if I do get one, i will be able to finally CTB without fear. I have a very low tolerance for pain, especially physical pain. I'm am sorry for what you are going through.

hello friend.

We are all suffering here, so I too am sorry to hear that you're suffering too. The biggest negative effect at the moment is the regret I have. I have not lived my life at all. There were so many opportunities to change the trajectory of my life but I fought against it. I allowed my depression to be all encompassing. There is a continual reel of memories playing in my head of missed opportunities and it is hell.

having a terminal illness has certainly pushed me into a corner. I know that my death will be a lot more brutal than if I did it myself. My only solace is that I qualify to go abroad to dignitas to have death with dignity. My survival instinct is still pretty strong but Ive not crossed the threshold of disability yet. It's almost at the point of becoming unbearable and once it is, it'll be much easier for me to accept death and to hopefully have it done in the hands of experts. The only downside to it is that it costs a lot of money, Im trying to sell all of my possessions but I'll still fall short. This is why Im here,trying to find a way of doing it myself just in case I can't go.

 

[tpboy]

I have a terminal illness, a muscle wasting disease which is robbing me of my bodily function every month. Trust, me, its no fun! Im in constant pain 24/7, im losing my ability to speak, and it wont be long before I have to have someone to take me to the toilet. I have to be moved every 2 hours in bed as I dont have the muscle strength to do it myself. I have many bed sores as my muscles waste, stiffen, and put pressure on my tendons and ligaments. Your dignity goes straight out of the window. The irony is that Ive always been suicidal and decided that if I hadnt had gotten my shit together by the time I was 40, I would ctb. I got diagnosed with ALS a month before my 40th birthday. the irony! If there is a God then he's one twisted piece of work. I would have MUCH preferred to ctb on my terms but now Im having to decide between two options : 1 - wait for the disease to kill me (hospice care, no dignity, having to wear a diaper! eventually dying from failing diaphragm failure) OR doing it myself. There is a third option, I could go to dignitas. Many people with my condition go there, but its expensive and I cant afford it.

I thought that having a terminal disease would change my outlook on life...nope! It just reinforced my negative outlook, and in all honesty, I cant wait to die and leave this mental and phyiscal pain behind.

I have that shit too. cant leave the bed or house.

 

[gazap]

I have that shit too. cant leave the bed or house.

I'm sorry to hear that you too are suffering. Please feel free to send me a private message anytime. It's a very isolating disease so Im hear anytime if you just wanna talk.

 

[Raven2]

I wish I could take the place of someone else having a terminal illness. If I was to ever be diagnosed with something I wouldnt have treatment. I'm sure it wouldnt be painless but it would be easier on loved ones to say goodbye and me not having to leave abruptly by ctb.