Venting On "reasons to keep living"

[shtangley01]

I fucking hate when you google "reasons to keep living" and the top results are like, lists a hundred strong of puppies and flowers and "everything that's good in the world". Maybe this helps some people, maybe sometimes I'd be receptive to it, but I know that things are sometimes good. I know there is stuff out there to enjoy, and I know that that stuff will persist without me, and I know that enjoyment is just another fucking expenditure of energy, and I know (irrationally) that I wouldn't fucking deserve it if joy were anything substantial. I want the moral calculus. I want to be told I'd be a bad person for ending it all when so many people love me. I want pain and to hurt and I want to keep living because I don't deserve the sweet release of death, not because I might have ice cream in a week from now or see a concert in three months. Joy is effort and effort is pain and the only thing keeping me going is the bullshit notion that by not dying I'm some sort of fucking martyr, staving off the eternal reward of either nothing or hell for the benefit of all those around me.

I don't know, I'm just so fucking tired. I'm a scattered mess of contradictory forces constantly fighting for control of me, and I've not the wherewithal to quiet them but I'm just sober enough to reconsider any idea which battles its way anywhere near certainty, just enough to keep them fighting in the pits of my mind. its hard to feel compatible with the reality around me when I'm barely compatible with myself. Sometimes I think I'm not even a person, just a loose shell of a man draped over bits and jokes and japes and laughs enough to prove orbiting a black hole that just sucks in attention and spits out metaphysical bile and that nothing could ever be worth my existing.

I wish I could just decide on one fucking course, I don't even care whether its recovery or oblivion, I just need to go in a direction, and I'm leaning towards oblivion because its just the one choice, whereas recovery is this whole fucking dialogue tree of relationships and education and career and hobbies and identity and healthcare and love and pain. Sometimes I could just be a little menagerie man living in some terrarium or zoo or something, being a human being really isn't for me.

Edit: just remembered one that really pisses me off. "you shouldn't kill yourself because you'll just die someday anyways". Yeah? So? The point is to get in over and done with quicker, It's not like I think I'm the other two smokers or whatever.

 

[nosleep4shep]

I've been getting upset people act like we can't decide we've had enough and would rather let us kill ourselves slowly and judge us if we end up homeless and destitute. I've been bouncing back and forth too, decided I'd like to take a break for a bit and find something simple that pays the bills and just lay low while I think. I hope you're able to find some peace

 

[shtangley01]

I've been getting upset people act like we can't decide we've had enough and would rather let us kill ourselves slowly and judge us if we end up homeless and destitute. I've been bouncing back and forth too, decided I'd like to take a break for a bit and find something simple that pays the bills and just lay low while I think. I hope you're able to find some peace

I mean, I get the impulse. Its probably for the best that people get 'better' wherever possible, in sort of a broad, overarching moral calculus kinda way, but I think its just tough for most well-meaning people to do anything to meaningfully change the situations of people who are suicidal, or at least more suicidal, by life circumstance when, like, all of capitalism was built to weed out the unproductive.

 

[PINKIESISU]

I fucking hate when you google "reasons to keep living" and the top results are like, lists a hundred strong of puppies and flowers and "everything that's good in the world". Maybe this helps some people, maybe sometimes I'd be receptive to it, but I know that things are sometimes good. I know there is stuff out there to enjoy, and I know that that stuff will persist without me, and I know that enjoyment is just another fucking expenditure of energy, and I know (irrationally) that I wouldn't fucking deserve it if joy were anything substantial. I want the moral calculus. I want to be told I'd be a bad person for ending it all when so many people love me. I want pain and to hurt and I want to keep living because I don't deserve the sweet release of death, not because I might have ice cream in a week from now or see a concert in three months. Joy is effort and effort is pain and the only thing keeping me going is the bullshit notion that by not dying I'm some sort of fucking martyr, staving off the eternal reward of either nothing or hell for the benefit of all those around me.

I don't know, I'm just so fucking tired. I'm a scattered mess of contradictory forces constantly fighting for control of me, and I've not the wherewithal to quiet them but I'm just sober enough to reconsider any idea which battles its way anywhere near certainty, just enough to keep them fighting in the pits of my mind. its hard to feel compatible with the reality around me when I'm barely compatible with myself. Sometimes I think I'm not even a person, just a loose shell of a man draped over bits and jokes and japes and laughs enough to prove orbiting a black hole that just sucks in attention and spits out metaphysical bile and that nothing could ever be worth my existing.

I wish I could just decide on one fucking course, I don't even care whether its recovery or oblivion, I just need to go in a direction, and I'm leaning towards oblivion because its just the one choice, whereas recovery is this whole fucking dialogue tree of relationships and education and career and hobbies and identity and healthcare and love and pain. Sometimes I could just be a little menagerie man living in some terrarium or zoo or something, being a human being really isn't for me.

Edit: just remembered one that really pisses me off. "you shouldn't kill yourself because you'll just die someday anyways". Yeah? So? The point is to get in over and done with quicker, It's not like I think I'm the other two smokers or whatever.

Yeah those reasons are pretty goddamn stupid especially the dog one I personally hate and cannot stand dogs I find nothing useful about them in fact I think they're the most worthless creature on this planet as far as all the other reasons to stay and keep living fucking dumb if you don't have your real self and your true life then existence means nothing there is no joy in it and there's definitely no value if you don't have your real self such as I and your real place where you are and where you're from also such as I then yes leaving here is perfectly 100% right I absolutely cannot stand this human experience and I sure as hell don't have a human spirit

 

[Eudaimonic]

I'm sorry that you're suffering. I feel like I can relate to much of this, especially the last sentence of the first paragraph. I manage to guilt myself into thinking that way, but I wish I could just... not. The third paragraph is also relatable. I don't have any advice, unfortunately, but I wish you well regardless of your choice :)

 

[UKscotty]

I think everyone would want to recover, to be happy is the default human state. However, I don't think it's currently possible for us all.

Some of us are too ill to get well and recover from suicidal thoughts.

 

[nozomu]

Even when you have "a reason" to live, it does not remove the burden and pain of existence. It simply serves as a distraction. How long I'll do this dance, I don't know.