Venting fantasizing about ctb

[ninevoltheart]

been feeling so shitty the past two days, beyond anything i've felt before. nothing brings me joy anymore, i feel like i'm failing at every aspect of my relationship, my life, etc... i can't make anybody happy and its killing me.

i don't think it helps that i've been unemployed, my efforts to find work keep failing, and aside from 1 person and my bf i have no friends. no matter how hard i try. i'm just so lonely. and it hurts when the people around me are spending time with their friends or talking to them around me and it's only a reminder of how i have nobody else.

i just want this to end. all the exhaustion, the pain, the frustration. i've been hesitant to even attempt but its becoming clear that i need to do this more than ever. i can't keep going on this way.

this isn't a goodbye, but i'm getting there

 

[Worndown]

It hurts when you hit the bottom.
How are you thinking about leaving us?

 

[ninevoltheart]

It hurts when you hit the bottom.
How are you thinking about leaving us?

definitely. and i've been considering hanging. probably attempt partial and see where things go from there. i'm scared of the afterlife, but i need to at least try, you know

 

[mind3de]

Why can't you find friends? How have you tried finding friends?

 

[ninevoltheart]

Why can't you find friends? How have you tried finding friends?

to be fair, i've always been kinda isolated. i was homeschooled most of my life and lived in a small town where my house was kinda secluded, so it wasn't like i lived in a neighborhood where i could meet other kids. the only times i really met people were through church or the 1 1/2 years i did in christian school, but i haven't talked to any of them since middle school and they're not people i wanna associate with anyways.

i also have had trouble keeping a steady job, so its not like i made friends with any coworkers. i've tried putting myself out there (esp this past year) but i haven't met anyone aside from my boyfriend.

the most i had when i was big in fandom and shit. i met a lot of people there, but all those friendships ended. the only two people i could reach out to never answer me back when i do, and the only one that lasted ended up hurting me more than anything.

i'm not sure if i'm doing something wrong or what, lol. i don't think i'm a weird person (or any weirder than the average) but my attempts just constantly fail. i don't even need people to hang out with irl, i just feel bad that i'm always depending on the two people i know best

 

[mind3de]

I am also isolated and I always have been. But I also have personality disorder which makes me uncomfortable around other people.
I can't really give you advice on how to overcome your situation. :/

Have you tried finding friends on the Internet?

 

[Lost Magic]

I'm sorry you feel lonely. I feel the same (only under different circumstances). I live in a place that is full of gossipmongers and some of them are downright spiteful and wicked. I just keep myself to myself and try to lay low before I am ready to catch the bus. It is only stupid survival instinct that is keeping me here (for now) but I will suppress that little f*ck, eventually.

 

[FuneralCry]

To me it's really understandable just wishing for permanent relief from all the suffering that existing brings, existing here certainly can be so tiring and dreadful after all. But anyway best wishes.