Story Failure

[_Kaira_]

he wants attention

Wow... I'm speechless by your blatant cruelty.

I'm so sorry OP :( we're glad you're still here. Don't feel swayed to prove anything to this guy, if you are feeling that way.

 

[_Kaira_]

and what makes you think i'm a guy? :)

Oh yes, I can just tell your gender by reading 4 of your very rude posts. F*ck off with your snide comments.

 

[_Kaira_]

and you're calling me rude...

Yes. You are. I'm not in the mood for this BS from a troll.

 

[_Kaira_]

i only stated my point of view which is: he doesn't want to die. On the other hand you've called me rude, ignorant and insulted me just for stating it.

A guy who literally backed out of suicide for the day. And you said he was seeking attention. We're on a suicide forum for crying out loud. He doesn't need to prove he wants to die by actually going through with CTB. He didn't come back for his feelings to get invalidated. You lack empathy, so yes, you should kindly see yourself out of here.

 

[Lostandlooking]

Gromit, it sounds like you had the toughest day. I can't even imagine what it's like being there on the edge. You're definitely not a failure. Hope you can get to sleep soon

Fellow forum members, let's ignore the trolls.

 

[_Kaira_]

Fellow forum members, let's ignore the trolls.

I agree. It's not worth it.

I think he has better issues to deal with than someone he doesn't agree with, besides we don't know if he agrees with me or not. And i'm not the only one to think he didn't want to die, again cops let him go away.

You clearly do not understand the flaws in your logic. It's not hard to lie to cops, as I've had to do it several times myself to avoid getting sectioned. I'm sure he would not agree with your stance that you think he's only looking for attention. With that, I will not waste my time on this conversation anymore.

 

[Meditation guide]

I think he has better issues to deal with than someone he doesn't agree with, besides we don't know if he agrees with me or not. And i'm not the only one to think he didn't want to die, again cops let him go away.

He went through hell to get there. He tried a total of six times, at the edge of the cliff. He is not going to be taken away by cops for simply going to the cliff. Clearly they did think he was going to by the way they treated him. They drove him away from the place. Obviously no one goes there in wind and rain to the edge six times unless they are attempting to ctb.

We all on this forum are in the same miserable situation, wanting to die but having no way to do it that we can manage. He is no different from me, or any of us here. To not have any understanding of that seems impossible. It's extremely hard for most people to do but yes they do desperately want to die.

 

[Donk]

you don't want to die

Personally I don't want to die. But I want to escape suffering and I'm afraid CTB might be the only way.

 

[Desi]

Needless to say my details were taken and now I cannot go BH again to jump.

I understand the place is heavily policed although in ways i don't fully understand. They take the ID of everybody ? And then you can't show up too often, is that it ? I don't get it.
I don't get either why the cliffs on the other side of the channel, that are geologically similar, are not quite as high as yours. Very disappointing.

 

[Good4Nothing]

Your story reminds me of "12 O-clock High", @Gromit-CTB. Have you seen It?
General Savage's mind wants to get on that bomber and fly with his men into battle, but his body rebels against him and simply will not let him.

 

[Nimbus]

I can't imagine how hard this day has been for you. I'm sorry for how awful you're feeling. As others have said, it took so much courage to go through all that you did. You tried. You are not a failure. Thank you for sharing the beautiful photo of the cliffs. I really wish I had a place like that nearby.

 

[Gromit-CTB]

you don't want to die

You have no idea what you are talking about you idiot

they want to be dead, not to die
and even with that i doubt OP does really want to be dead now

Yes I do, you don't know me and what I have been through so keep you sick comments to yourself and jog on

" who were convinced I wasn't a risk ". Believe me, if they thought he wanted to die he would be forced interned in hospital right now. And they talked about it as he stated it, they knew why he was here and yet he went free home. Again, they knew he was depressive etc, but they also felt like he didn't want to die.

The police did not see me try and attempt, the chaplain team came after my third attempt as I was walking to a different part to jump, to get them away I told them I was a walker and went for a coffee, when I came out of the pub I bumped into them again as I was walking back to spot and they asked me how I was doing and I said fine just going to Eastbourne they asked if I wanted a lift and I declined. After the next three attempts I walked to Chaplin's office and asked for the lift, that's when they called the police. I had a convincing story of going to put my friends memory to rest and they checked the details of people who have jumped and it matched. I don't need to explain myself to a troll but you are the lowest piece of human trash I have ever come across.

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/ctb-moved-forward.55353/

He doesn't want to be dead, he wants attention, friends for example and it's not the first time he fails. Cops even saw he wasn't about to do anything otherwise he would be in a hospital right now

You are one twisted individual and have been reported I hope the mods ban you for comments and triggers

I understand the place is heavily policed although in ways i don't fully understand. They take the ID of everybody ? And then you can't show up too often, is that it ? I don't get it.
I don't get either why the cliffs on the other side of the channel, that are geologically similar, are not quite as high as yours. Very disappointing.

They take details to see if you are reported as missing person or have been there before. Once details are taken you are on the record as having been spoken to. If you go again and the police check details you will either be removed immediately or get taken to hospital, would have to leave it a year or so to go back alone. But have other methods hopefully so won't need to return.

 

[Kruger]

I know the area well, it's my favourite place in the UK. I'm confused. The chaplaincy office is in Eastbourne, just minutes walk from the station. You say you went to the office for a lift to the station? Why walk all the way from beachy head to Eastbourne, quite a walk, then get a ride when you're only minutes from the station? Or have they recently set up an office somewhere at Beachy Head? I can't imagine where as the only building there is the pub with the little card shop next to it. And the little toilet block.

I understand the place is heavily policed although in ways i don't fully understand. They take the ID of everybody ? And then you can't show up too often, is that it ? I don't get it.
I don't get either why the cliffs on the other side of the channel, that are geologically similar, are not quite as high as yours. Very disappointing.

Nonsense, I've been there many times. No one asks for your ID. You may or may not run into the chaplains. I've visited without seeing them and other times I've visited and seen them. There are only a few chaplains and it's a long stretch of several kilometres from Birling Gap to Beachy Head with sheer cliff all the way. They cant be everywhere at the same time.

 

[Gromit-CTB]

There is a rescue office past the pub and the shop this is where the Chaplin team were. If you go there often you will have seen the building. If the pub is on your left and the shop in front of you there is another building to the right with the Chaplin's cars outside it is signed as rescue building and I could see the team who had spoken to me walk in there. The picture below was the office I went into. Picture from Google I obviously couldn't take a photo when I was in there.

My ID was taken because I went to the office to get a lift (maybe if I was thinking clearer I would have gone back to pub and ordered a Uber) and they have a duty of care to make sure you are ok. Thanks for basically saying I am a liar. I am leaving SS for your comments thanks a bunch for this and removing the only support outlet I have.

 

[Weary Soul]

Please go easy on yourself and give yourself some kindness tonight. Much love to you.

 

[BrokenBelt]

How about we rephrase the narrative?

First of all, you are not a failure. You went on a journey, one that you thought you knew the end of yet, like most journeys, it became a journey of discovery. You travelled to the edge (quite literally) and discovered something. You discovered that you do not want to die.

You may not want to live but you certainly do not want to die. That discovery, that proof, is a success and not a failure.

So where to go from here? What steps to take to resolve this seeming paradox? You start with what you have discovered. That is, I do not want to die. That means living. Take the steps that mean you can live. It's not easy but they might just be easier than that single step off the edge.

 

[Gromit-CTB]

How about we rephrase the narrative?

First of all, you are not a failure. You went on a journey, one that you thought you knew the end of yet, like most journeys, it became a journey of discovery. You travelled to the edge (quite literally) and discovered something. You discovered that you do not want to die.

You may not want to live but you certainly do not want to die. That discovery, that proof, is a success and not a failure.

So where to go from here? What steps to take to resolve this seeming paradox? You start with what you have discovered. That is, I do not want to die. That means living. Take the steps that mean you can live. It's not easy but they might just be easier than that single step off the edge.

This is very good way to look at it apart from the I don't want to die bit. Yes I do want to die but yesterday was not my day. I already have plans for next ctb and this is on order. I know I will attempt again and my biggest hope is that it is a success next time

 

[Weary Soul]

Heya Gromit-CTB, please do not let what one person writes here take you away from the only place you have found support.

IMO, it is not worth it.

If someone said that to me, I would just block them.

Much love too you!

 

[Gromit-CTB]

Heya Gromit-CTB, please do not let what one person writes here take you away from the only place you have found support.

IMO, it is not worth it.

If someone said that to me, I would just block them.

Much love too you!

I have decided to stay here even though a couple of people think I either didn't do it or am just looking for attention. They don't know me or my situation. The love I have received from the rest of you has really touched me and I will not let trolls or people who try and say I am a liar stop me from being with the rest of you. I could call these people out for lies as well but I am better than them.

 

[darksideofthebright]

I have decided to stay here even though a couple of people think I either didn't do it or am just looking for attention. They don't know me or my situation. The love I have received from the rest of you has really touched me and I will not let trolls or people who try and say I am a liar stop me from being with the rest of you. I could call these people out for lies as well but I am better than them.

I'm glad you've been able to block out the negativity. You are going through a lot, both mentally and physically, so having to deal with trolls just won't help. Today might be a difficult day facing reality, so please take all the help you can get to get through today. We're here with you.

To others, if you see a troll comment, just don't engage with them. All they want is attention and you will literally be walking right into their traps. Simply just report them to the mods.

 

[Gromit-CTB]

Hey there you brave soul. No need to justify or prove what you just went through, it's obvious how much strength and courage that took and the levels of pain and desperation that fuelled that difficult and harrowing sounding day. You didn't fail, you tried very hard and came very close. You haven't lied about a single thing, you've been brave and extremely honest. Sending you understanding and a virtual hug. Like others have said, look after yourself. This is not the weather or season for an easy outdoor CTB in this part of the world is it. Ctb is not easy in any case as we all know. There's nothing funny about any of this or feeling like after sharing your experience a person or two is questioning you on here and further adding to your distress,

All I'd say to that is I think every one of us here is damaged and in immense pain, physical and mental, misunderstood by the world at large and seriously hurting. We all suffer in different ways, react and respond differently and can lash out at others when we're hurting, well I know I do. I've only been a member here for a second but I'm just seeing people in pain.

So yeah please just be really kind to yourself today, rest and recuperate for a bit. FYI and I'm kinda reluctant to say anything to either identify my personal details, or encourage anything, but I don't live too far from BH. I've never been there and just could never ctb that way unless blind drunk and that, combined with an unexpected ledge, is how the person I knew who jumped from there survived. I am intrigued by that thing you described that stopped you. Makes me wonder...

Take care Gromit. Be kind and treat yourself as you would a best friend who just told you what they just went through. Hugs. Ignore any opinions that don't help. My social worker friend broke down CBT (not ctb) as two things: is it true? Is it helpful? If not, immediately discard.

Yeah, so full of helpful advice when I'm planning my own ctb. Can't help that gallows humour. Suppose it's the right place ;)

This really touched me and won't lie made me shed a tear again. I still don't know what stopped me. I had my friends notes on jumping and knew the best way to do this was have a run up to make sure you launch away from the edge and the cliff face so you don't fall on a ledge etc, but was physically stopped (again don't know why but was). One other detail I didn't add but remember now was my first attempt at a jump was 3.21 at that time my phone was in ruck sack and when I got home I had a missed call from my mum at that time. I have spoken to her today and asked what she wanted and all she said was can't remember but felt I had to call you for some reason. Again don't think some strange religious force was at play here but coming to terms yesterday was not supposed to be my day to ctb no matter how much I wanted it.

 

[SorrySandy]

This really touched me and won't lie made me shed a tear again. I still don't know what stopped me. I had my friends notes on jumping and knew the best way to do this was have a run up to make sure you launch away from the edge and the cliff face so you don't fall on a ledge etc, but was physically stopped (again don't know why but was). One other detail I didn't add but remember now was my first attempt at a jump was 3.21 at that time my phone was in ruck sack and when I got home I had a missed call from my mum at that time. I have spoken to her today and asked what she wanted and all she said was can't remember but felt I had to call you for some reason. Again don't think some strange religious force was at play here but coming to terms yesterday was not supposed to be my day to ctb no matter how much I wanted it.

Wiping away those tears like a bf would. Big hug. Yeah, some kind of force at play, don't think strange religious force either, maybe some concept called synchronicity hey. Who knows but definitely not your day. I know we're not supposed to say such things, and I've already said I'm conflicted as I've tried ctb myself several times, fully wish I'd never been born etc, yet want to say to you I hope it's never your day as you seem so lovely. More hugs. Socially very distanced of course. Which I bet most of us were pre-Covid ;)

 

[justanotherstar]

Glad you've decided to stay Gromit. You don't need to justify shit all to anyone. I know you wanted to die and by some force it wasn't your day, we will never know why but I'm glad you came back. I know you still want to die, I can only imagine your pain and suffering and I just hope that you can be gentle with yourself. CTB is one of the single most difficult things we can do, you don't need the pressure of proving your intentions on top of that, you owe nothing to anyone and if you CTB proving to people how serious you are over your own personal reasons then I think that would be really sad. I hope you find reasons to stay, but I understand when it's your time, it's your time to go. My inbox is open if you ever want a non judgemental conversation.

 

[Gromit-CTB]

Glad you've decided to stay Gromit. You don't need to justify shit all to anyone. I know you wanted to die and by some force it wasn't your day, we will never know why but I'm glad you came back. I know you still want to die, I can only imagine your pain and suffering and I just hope that you can be gentle with yourself. CTB is one of the single most difficult things we can do, you don't need the pressure of proving your intentions on top of that, you owe nothing to anyone and if you CTB proving to people how serious you are over your own personal reasons then I think that would be really sad. I hope you find reasons to stay, but I understand when it's your time, it's your time to go. My inbox is open if you ever want a non judgemental conversation.

Thank you for the comment, I won't allow trolls and people trying to say I'm a liar to push me away. Those people will never force me to prove I want to die, I have enough good supportive people like you on here to see that it was an attempt and wasn't my day. When my day comes and I say goodbye I hope they never comment false RIP messages being hypocrites. Can say from bottom of my heart the SS family (bar those two) have been so great and I love you all

 

[Lil]

Gromit, I know you wanted to die, I feel your pain, I feel you.... I know how hard it is to make the final move, even though we want it so much!
I wish your pain would end soon and you would find peace like you deserve.
Sending you love and hugs

 

[Shotgunjohn]

you arent a failure gromit and im glad youre still here with us. jumping is a very scary way to go, it must have taken a lot of courage to even get to the spot. its unfortunate that you were stopped but its back to the drawing board for now.

 

[Gromit-CTB]

Yes very true back to drawing board, and although others on here have hinted they would ctb with me I have come to realise you can only count on yourself and trust no one else. I am going to take a few days to heal myself and then try again. Thank you for your kind words

 

[profoundexperience]

Am a total failure.

From what you've shared, it seems that you learned quite a few things from the experience... in that way, it's impossible to call it a "failure".

I tried to jump 3 times but every time I got to the edge it was like someone held me back physically.

It was odd I know it wasn't SI. I ran and as soon as I got to edge I was stopped. ... even fell backwards as if I was pushed. Not saying there is some religious force but something stopped me.

I could hear someone next to me say, we will let you go but you will fail on ctb and be alive at bottom in pain and no one will come for you tonight, tomorrow you will be found and will be alive but will never have a quality of life.

I still don't know what stopped me. ... but was physically stopped (again don't know why but was).

Whether that "force"/"glitch?" was internal or external, "supernatural" or conventional really doesn't matter so much... Personally, I like the tidy, scientific explanations to things (ctb-ing can be a a very stressful activity/event and our psychologies can be stretched to utter limits... all kinds of things can "come up")... but I'm open to any possibilities.

But again, the source and nature of it probably doesn't matter.

What you might like to do is to write it a long letter, expressing whatever feelings you have over the glitch and what happened (confusion, disappointment, appreciation, curiosity, etc. would be some feelings I, myself, might want to express to it... It is also totally appropriate to ask it, "Why? Why did you stop me and what do you need me to know?"). Perhaps ask it to help you (in whatever way you see fit).

It may never answer (or it may), but perhaps showing it some respect/consideration -- by at least trying to listen, as carefully and deeply as you can -- could help turn it into an ally...?

Welcome it "into your home" (metaphorically): Even if it is an unplanned/uninvited "guest", better to make friends with it than for both of you to be working at cross-purposes...?

 

[Gromit-CTB]

From what you've shared, it seems that you learned quite a few things from the experience... in that way, it's impossible to call it a "failure".




Whether that "force"/"glitch?" was internal or external, "supernatural" or conventional really doesn't matter so much... Personally, I like the tidy, scientific explanations to things (ctb-ing can be a a very stressful activity/event and our psychologies can be stretched to utter limits... all kinds of things can "come up")... but I'm open to any possibilities.

But again, the source and nature of it probably doesn't matter.

What you might like to do is to write it a long letter, expressing whatever feelings you have over the glitch and what happened (confusion, disappointment, appreciation, curiosity, etc. would be some feelings I, myself, might want to express to it... It is also totally appropriate to ask it, "Why? Why did you stop me and what do you need me to know?"). Perhaps ask it to help you (in whatever way you see fit).

It may never answer (or it may), but perhaps showing it some respect/consideration -- by at least trying to listen, as carefully and deeply as you can -- could help turn it into an ally...?

Wow your user name is apt. Very profound message thank you. I think I will take on board a lot of what you have said and deal with that before next ctb. Thankyou

 

[Symbiote]

It's not a failure, it's an experience. A beautiful experience, because for the first time you were able to get out of your house, travel to a place that is beautiful in an attempt to die, and for some odd reason a weight was lifted from your shoulders a little bit. It stopped you from going over. Whatever trauma you had, part of it was left behind at your house. They always said that the oceans are deep because they take away your bad memories. I would pay a visit to BH again, but not to die, but to reflect, meditate, just think it over.

The things that were pushing you to suicide weren't pushing you off a cliff anymore that day. Be safe and my inbox is open if you want to talk more.