Anyone curious about what a SN suicide attempt would be like, wonder no more. There are plenty of threads about this but I've chosen to summarize my experience to add one more to the books.
First of all, I'm a healthy human. I have no documented physical illnesses, healthy as a horse.
I also took 1 mg of my sweet, sweet prescription lorazepam (Ativan) an hour prior to this, but it didn't seem to do much asides from curb my anxiety. Oh, and 1 g of paracetamol, which seemed to make the whole process quite painless.
Around 00:30, I said my goodbyes to everyone and logged off. I was locked in the bathroom while everyone was asleep. I had prepared a glass of a mixture of SN and water. I had a 100g bottle of SN and put 4 sloppily measured teaspoons in the glass, which would equal roughly to 15g.
I downed the glass. Honestly? It tasted horrible, but I could stomach it. It actually still tasted better than medicine. Only issue was that I immediately wanted something to wash the gross, salty taste down with, but plain water did help a bit. I put on some music and lied down on the pillows I had laid across the bathroom floor. And listening to my song, I waited.
I could feel my hand getting cold and fingers getting numb from a lack of oxygen. My heart was starting to really speed up. It didn't hurt, but it was kind of uncomfortable, so if you want 100% peace using this method yourself I recommend some more preparation, unless, of course, you don't mind. For me, it was bearable, but that might just have been because of the lorazepam I took.
Maybe 5 minutes in I was starting to feel nauseous. I expected this, so I had another glass prepared. Vomiting SN actually felt about the same as vomiting any other substance, so I was fine with it. I just had the end goal in mind.
What I didn't expect, however, was my dad knocking on the bathroom door. I tried hiding my stuff, but at that point I kind of knew I was screwed. I threw up soon after that, and then my dad called my mom, too. At that point it was maybe... 10 or so? minutes in. I felt weak but still managed to stand until I finally left the bathroom and stumbled really bad.
Five steps out of there, I passed out and crumpled on the floor like a ragdoll. I hardly remember it now but I know I willingly told my parents what substance it was since they'd have found it anyway. I remember moving around a bit but passed out at least two more times between those movements. I sounded a little loopy and I was barely conscious.
Then my parents called the ambulance. I was awake when the paramedics came, but passed out again when they carried me to and from the ambulance. I remember they put me on oxygen. Next thing I know I'm at intensive care hooked up to different IVs for hours. Nurses told me I was lucky to be alive.
Ironically, the hospital was actually the most painful part. I was told there was around 3g SN in my system and I was at roughly 67% methemoglobinemia when they got me. The IVs were painful (according to the nurses, this was because of the poisoning making me more sensitive) and I was really cold. I was also mildly delirious, but only in the sense of just really feeling out of it and my vision drifting. Some weird mental imagery too, but it was also mild.
I'm still hospitalized. Results showed anemia and liver damage, but I should be fine.
I find it funny that, had I not wanted to keep my dignity by not dying outside, if I left home and did it in the forest, I would've been long dead. But I'll take it as it is. I'm happy to provide you all with my experience.
Onestamente? Penso di aver fatto tutto questo perché ero annoiato. Annoiato dalla vita. E sono ancora annoiato, ma la prossima volta che farò un tentativo, lo farò anche meglio di così. Grazie per aver letto.
Sentiti libero di fare domande se mi sono perso qualcosa. E sì, subito dopo sarò mandato in un reparto psichiatrico. Mi sta bene, però.
