Venting Failed once again

[madbananas]

Had my rope. Was out in the countryside among trees. Sitting in my car. All of a sudden, the "positives" in my life which don't outweigh the sheer terror I experience daily started jumping into my head again.
Now I'm back home, about to drink alcohol, feeling fooled by my own brain. Yes, I guess that in the grand scheme of things my brain could be fooling me to ctb all along... however it's still unbearable. People tell me all the time I have such good things in my life. But they just don't understand that because of all the horrible things that are happening, have happened, and will most likely continue to happen, I still wish for death.

 

[issyishere]

Hey buddy, stop calling yourself a failure. I'm glad you're here so I can talk to you at least once in our small lifetimes. I also have a failed suicide attempt from a year ago with hanging. I look back at it and realized if I really wanted to go I could have, I just decided it wasn't my time yet. So here I am, waiting for the right moment but appreciating I know my
limits. Stay strong friend. We're all here for you.

 

[madbananas]

Hey buddy, stop calling yourself a failure. I'm glad you're here so I can talk to you at least once in our small lifetimes. I also have a failed suicide attempt from a year ago with hanging. I look back at it and realized if I really wanted to go I could have, I just decided it wasn't my time yet. So here I am, waiting for the right moment but appreciating I know my
limits. Stay strong friend. We're all here for you.

Thank you it's just annoying because I generally don't feel in identify with the positive things. I just wish I felt I had physical control over ending my own life. But hey, like you say if I had done it then I wouldn't have received your nice reply to my message and I feel less alone now.

 

[justanotherstar]

It's natural to be scared, for SI to kick in but I'm glad to hear you say it was the positives that stopped you. There is no shame in changing your mind. Sounds like it wasn't your time to CTB. Still wanting death doesn't make you a failure. This shit is complicated and if it was easy none of us would be sitting here on this forum. My inbox is open if you wanna talk

 

[madbananas]

It's natural to be scared, for SI to kick in but I'm glad to hear you say it was the positives that stopped you. There is no shame in changing your mind. Sounds like it wasn't your time to CTB. Still wanting death doesn't make you a failure. This shit is complicated and if it was easy none of us would be sitting here on this forum. My inbox is open if you wanna talk

Thank you. It definitely is complex. Thankfully I still have my rope which is actually some comfort as well. It's just such an emotional mind boggle because I want death but can't do it. Feel like my life and death is being somewhat controlled by some kind of demon lol.

 

[justanotherstar]

Thank you. It definitely is complex. Thankfully I still have my rope which is actually some comfort as well. It's just such an emotional mind boggle because I want death but can't do it. Feel like my life and death is being somewhat controlled by some kind of demon lol.

Yes many people find it a comfort to have the means to CTB. I hear you when it says like you feel like life and death is being somewhat clear trolled by some kind of demon. It's different for everyone but I've definitely had times where it's felt like that

 

[madbananas]

Yes many people find it a comfort to have the means to CTB. I hear you when it says like you feel like life and death is being somewhat clear trolled by some kind of demon. It's different for everyone but I've definitely had times where it's felt like that

I'm sorry you've experienced this too. It's very much a trapped feeling. Sending hugs. I don't know what I'd do without people here like yourself.