throwaway280948
My pms are always open :)
- Jun 26, 2023
- 15
Hello. I have come to this site to just share my experience with attempting to commit suicide last year. Bare with me as this may be on the longer side. I was just about 2 weeks away from my 21st birthday. I had no job, no motivation to live, no reason to want to get help because "all therapists suck" and "they're only doing it for the money". I was also diagnosed with Bipolar 1 the year before. Which in all just made everything worse realizing there was a reason for why I was lashing out, shutting down and just totally hermiting myself. I had shut out the entire world before I tried to make an attempt. I would sit in bed all day watching true crime crap with my cats while I sat and violently shook because of how bad my anxiety attacks were. My neck and back all the way down to my legs where as stiff as wooden boards and I would almost be frozen like this just because my anxiety was so bad. I was getting to the point where I was exhausted pushing out all this negative emotion and I didn't think I could take it any longer. I tried to take my life by swallowing what I had for sleeping medication I was given months prior to help with my restlessness. As I was in my daze and beginning to drift in and out of consciousness I had sent my roomate at the time messages of what I have done. I was HEAVILY sedated and don't remember any of it. What I do remember is her coming home and yelling and telling me how I could do this to her in her room in her parents house. Since I was jobless I couldn't afford my apartment anymore so my friend had taken me in until I got back up on my feet. Anyways these parts get super foggy to remember but I just remember waking up in a hospital bed with all these stickies on my body and I was hooked up to all these machines. Eventually I was brought to a room where I guess was essentially a waiting room out of the ICU to get put into psychiatric care or to be kept in the hospital. I got out the following day because I told them I "wasn't a danger to myself anymore" and they called 1 person to verify that I was stable which in the end worked. After I got out there was resentment from that friend towards me but their mother picked me up and she told me that if I ever needed anything or was thinking to do something like that again to reach out to her. Seeing the pain in someone else's mothers eyes really showed me that there is at least one person out here in this world that cares about you. After that I had started my recovery journey which I thought I NEVER was going to see. Honestly it really takes time to get the courage to say something or try to seek help. I was scared for such a long time that "people will lock you up" when you talk about your feelings when that simply isn't the case. A year and a half later I am employed full time, I go to therapy once a week (I was doing twice but we finally made enough progress to make it once a week!!) I care for my pets, I care for the very few people in my life that I do have. I am not close with my family so they never really got the full story of what happened hell this isn't even the entire story because it would be a book if I had to mention every. single. detail. but to say the least I have had a shitty upbringing and not fun life experience for most of my life. I have made significant progress I didn't think was possible. I am grateful that I am here today and I want anyone to know if you're reading this if you think you might want to reach out for help or good resources for recovery my messages are always open. I know what it is like to think there is no point, no purpose and no reason. But even if you have the slightest doubt please reach out. There's always someone out there that truly will help and wants to see you succeed. I'm sorry if this isn't the right place to post this or if its too long but I just wanted someone to hear me and maybe have a different outlook. Even if it saves one person. Thank you all for your time. I hope you all find your peace within.
