Extreme Swings in How I Feel About CTB

[KafkaF]

I have so many extreme swings in how I feel about CTB these days.

There have been so many times I've fantasized today about dying. There have also been times today that I felt certain I wanted to die more than almost anything because the emotional pain was so bad. Like I couldn't live for one second longer.

And then a little bit after that I was listening to a Youtube video. And in that video a song from "Halo 2" came on. Halo was my favourite game series for a very long time and I played "Halo 2" a lot back when I was in my early teens. So really it reminds me heavily of my childhood. And that music came on and I felt so scared of losing that feeling. You know, how I felt about that and the memory of being a happy kid playing that game. And I wanted more of that. And I feared death more than anything in that moment and felt like I wanted to live more than anything. And I almost cried because of it.

It's honestly exhausting and a specific kind of torture. I can't move forward in my life because it hurts too much. I'm so depressed I can barely get out of bed in the morning. And I can't do much beyond that. And I have to live with emotional pain so much. Yet I'm still scared and I still see value in certain things in my life, especially my memories, and sometimes that really punches through. And I don't want to lose those.

I have more than enough pain to want to die, but just enough I find it hard to say goodbye to that I can't seem to end it. And then I experience those extremes in result, I guess.

 

[Olisop21.]

I have so many extreme swings in how I feel about CTB these days.

There have been so many times I've fantasized today about dying. There have also been times today that I felt certain I wanted to die more than almost anything because the emotional pain was so bad. Like I couldn't live for one second longer.

And then a little bit after that I was listening to a Youtube video. And in that video a song from "Halo 2" came on. Halo was my favourite game series for a very long time and I played "Halo 2" a lot back when I was in my early teens. So really it reminds me heavily of my childhood. And that music came on and I felt so scared of losing that feeling. You know, how I felt about that and the memory of being a happy kid playing that game. And I wanted more of that. And I feared death more than anything in that moment and felt like I wanted to live more than anything. And I almost cried because of it.

It's honestly exhausting and a specific kind of torture. I can't move forward in my life because it hurts too much. I'm so depressed I can barely get out of bed in the morning. And I can't do much beyond that. And I have to live with emotional pain so much. Yet I'm still scared and I still see value in certain things in my life, especially my memories, and sometimes that really punches through. And I don't want to lose those.

I have more than enough pain to want to die, but just enough I find it hard to say goodbye to that I can't seem to end it. And then I experience those extremes in result, I guess.

I totally get those extreme swings. I want to CTB so bad and be gone. I practice constantly.

 

[sklvlp999]

I have so many extreme swings in how I feel about CTB these days.

There have been so many times I've fantasized today about dying. There have also been times today that I felt certain I wanted to die more than almost anything because the emotional pain was so bad. Like I couldn't live for one second longer.

And then a little bit after that I was listening to a Youtube video. And in that video a song from "Halo 2" came on. Halo was my favourite game series for a very long time and I played "Halo 2" a lot back when I was in my early teens. So really it reminds me heavily of my childhood. And that music came on and I felt so scared of losing that feeling. You know, how I felt about that and the memory of being a happy kid playing that game. And I wanted more of that. And I feared death more than anything in that moment and felt like I wanted to live more than anything. And I almost cried because of it.

It's honestly exhausting and a specific kind of torture. I can't move forward in my life because it hurts too much. I'm so depressed I can barely get out of bed in the morning. And I can't do much beyond that. And I have to live with emotional pain so much. Yet I'm still scared and I still see value in certain things in my life, especially my memories, and sometimes that really punches through. And I don't want to lose those.

I have more than enough pain to want to die, but just enough I find it hard to say goodbye to that I can't seem to end it. And then I experience those extremes in result, I guess.

I can tell you are a strong and resilient person, I understand the feeling of having every reason to leave specially when it comes to emotional pain.. hugs

 

[Ash]

There's a lot of talk about "normies" on this site but I honestly believe that going back and forth is so normal, it's actually boring. I'm willing to bet that most of us on here are in the same boat. And that's absolutely fine. Xx

 

[xxRoro]

I have so many extreme swings in how I feel about CTB these days.

There have been so many times I've fantasized today about dying. There have also been times today that I felt certain I wanted to die more than almost anything because the emotional pain was so bad. Like I couldn't live for one second longer.

And then a little bit after that I was listening to a Youtube video. And in that video a song from "Halo 2" came on. Halo was my favourite game series for a very long time and I played "Halo 2" a lot back when I was in my early teens. So really it reminds me heavily of my childhood. And that music came on and I felt so scared of losing that feeling. You know, how I felt about that and the memory of being a happy kid playing that game. And I wanted more of that. And I feared death more than anything in that moment and felt like I wanted to live more than anything. And I almost cried because of it.

It's honestly exhausting and a specific kind of torture. I can't move forward in my life because it hurts too much. I'm so depressed I can barely get out of bed in the morning. And I can't do much beyond that. And I have to live with emotional pain so much. Yet I'm still scared and I still see value in certain things in my life, especially my memories, and sometimes that really punches through. And I don't want to lose those.

I have more than enough pain to want to die, but just enough I find it hard to say goodbye to that I can't seem to end it. And then I experience those extremes in result, I guess.

I feel you. Same with me. These mood-swings are ridicules

 

[Redleaf1992]

Yeah mood swings are the worse.

Probably had the worse one last night. Was desperate for the CTB date for almost week straight then last night poof. To the extent I almost called the smaritans last night to dob myself in after getting emotional watching a short documentary about a young autistic woman who was a SS member and CTB.

Today I no longer have the want to CTB, but it doesn't feel great, your problems still exist, you just don't have that push to CTB, I just feel nothing but stuck in a limbo as everything callapses a around me.

I also lose some tunnel vision for the impact it has on my family - and feel awful for planning to inflict my sucide on them.

But then I know soon enough I will be back on the lets CTB wagon, it's exhausting.

 

[clown_17]

Ya I feel similarly. I want to want to CTB. Everything would be easier if I 100% of the time wanted to CTB because then I could confidently get on with it and be free of all my problems. However I can get distracted enough that it leaves my mind and a stupid little part of me will be like "See? You felt okay right there. I guess you don't need to CTB" but it's no relief. In fact that little part just gives me more problems because it keeps me alive and in pain

 

[errorsinmypast]

I can totally relate to what you're saying and I think its completely normal. I find mornings the worst, it feels like I've been tortured all night then I wake up properly and it's like I have to jump on the merry go round and act like I'm not dying inside and smile and be happy and do work, family etc. So on a morning I feel the strongest pull then I guess with been busy in the day it doesn't dominate all of my thoughts maybe 70/30

 

[UKscotty]

I suspect almost everyone here is the same.

Anyone who was genuinely wanting to CTB all the time would definitely have found a way out.

It's like waves,some days there is hope, some days I wonder if I should just hang myself right then as soon as the alarm wakes me up.