Venting existing is so much pain

[somewhatdeadly]

There's something that helped my depression a lot. my long-distance girlfriend. I really love her, and we're planning to meet. But deep down, I'm just know she won't like me in real life. I worry I'll come off weird and unattractive even if I manage to push myself to meet her.

I also lied about some stuff as if that's not enough the pictures I sent don't really represent how I look irl too. I feel like I'm wasting her time, even though I truly love her. She's the only thing that has given me hope in a long time, but I can't shake the feeling that she won't want me once she sees the real me. Nobody else has liked me like that before. I've had a irl date in high school and that was it. Even when she makes me happy and gives me hope, it still feels like it's all some kind of cruel joke because i know if we met irl she'd definetly leave me not in so much time lol. Before meeting her all i was able to think was ctb. Distracted me for a while but here i am again. I dropped out of everything because i was planning to die. no job no school no friends nothing i don't even think i socialized for a long time except her. I passed out a while ago because of hunger and i'd do so much to die just like that. I wish i never had to exist like this or go through any of this. it's my first time ranting here i am aware it's childish. and i guess it should be i'm still just a kid anyway.

 

[bipolar22]

I hear you there. Problem is that if you polish your image to give off a btter version of yourself in a long distance relationship youre setting it up for failure. Of course once you are together in real life it all comes to show and it might end up disappointing her which will end in separation. So doing that ash harsh as it sounds is just wasting her time Sadly and yours. So the only thing to do really is to come clean before you meet up. So she has time to process it and then can make a informed decision. Right now youre basiclly deceiving her and thats not the foundation of a relationship thats lasts. Id do it sooner rather than later. The longer she has to process and comes to terms with the real you before she meets you the higher the chances it will turn out well. You messed up there a bit but see it as a learning opportunity. Deception and love just do go well together. But Maybe it will still work out in the end for yall. Best of luck and courage to you!