Excited to go?

[divineprana]

When I hear about other completed suicides, I don't understand people's reaction. If only this, if only that. Like they have all the answers and could have solved this person's mental health. When I hear about a completed suicide, I feel a little pang of envy.

Typing it out sounds trite and letting it sink in feels scary, but sometimes I can't help the smile that comes to my face when I indulge in the thought of ending it all. I tell myself I just have depression and I'm fighting it as hard as I can, that the "peaceful, happy" suicidal state is supposed to only be in the days before completion and what I'm feeling must be something different. But deep down I think I know. I bought the shotgun, I have the ammo, and it's a matter of getting comfortable with the weapon before I'm ready to go.

Can anybody relate to that peaceful, excited feeling when you let yourself think about suicide? All the official resources say that's only supposed to happen at the very end and that scares me because I like to think I'm still fighting.

 

[hughmun9]

I relate, though after watching a few NDE's my feelings have changed.

 

[finaldream]

I definitely can relate. I feel really peaceful when I think about the end being near.

 

[FromPortugalWithLov]

I don't know. I just feel sad that this is what it has come to. Maybe I'm still trying to find something to be alive for.

But I used to be happy in the past everyday it feels like a distant memory, now I rationally know I just want the pain to end. But deep down I think I still have a slight bit of hope that I can find happiness somehwhere :(

 

[Secro]

For me, suicide is no longer a beautiful thing; I've failed too often and just want to get it over with.
Previously it was about being freed from suffering, now it is a disappointment for me, but I will not stop trying.