So maybe you wondered why I didn't give updates to the interesting autistic/ADHD woman. She simply didn't respond anymore since 3 weeks. The last time this happened her child had an acute crisis. She is single mom with a child with a health condition, studies part-time and works part-time. She is like almost always overwhelmed. The most likely explanation is that she is too busy with her life to respond. But I don't find it good that there was no explanation at all. Nothing. I was overthinking a lot in the meantime. But more and more do I think I don't really care. I have such a strong desire for a partnership. And she hinted she likes me a lot. And I did the same. But bro I can be lucky when I get 2 (long) messages per week. That's a very good case. There is so much distance the dating doesn't feel real anymore.
Tomorrow I will text her a last time. And if she doesn't respond I will move on. I have many issues in my life. Issues she probably only suspects. She liked that I was quite desperate. A partner has to do sacrifices for being together with me. And I am male. And well women can choose...Actually I think our humor matches perfectly, she is also loves deep talk about philosophy...we had great conversations at the beginning. I am not sure how much it will hurt me if the ignores my last message. I want to send it on a Saturday. Her responses were most of the time on Saturdays. Honestly, I am already really depressed and suicidal. The complaint of my therapist had the worst possible outcome. It was so bad that I didn't expected it to be actually possible. Actually, a patient counsellor of a particular organization where I also reported her lied to me. He told me I had the right to add my perspective to my medical records if I report her. It turns out this wasn't true. I don't have this right seemingly. She just rejected it. If I knew that I could have sent her a message to add my perspective to the medical records and instead I abstain from reporting her. Well this guy screwed me. And he also treated me like shit on the phone. It is true my mind is obsessed with the fact that my therapist stabbed me in the back by writing lies in my medical records. And actually it is objectively probably not the end of the world. Because in many assessments I can decide which documents I hand in. I think the fact that this exteme betrayal happened in such a vulnerable position was probably worse for my mental health. And all the institutions that should protect my rights protected her instead despite the fact the evidence is quite clear that she is lying. I think my medical records were quite clear. And the notes of a therapist are not that important. It is more important not to screw my relation to my psychiatrist. It was interesting. She backed my therapist due to the fact my manipulative former therapist called her to get her on her side. I made it quite clear to my psychiatrist that she is lying and it was immediately clear to her because the actions of my former therapist only make sense when she is guilty as fuck. I think my psychiatrist is in a hard position. These people have to back each other in order to stay loyal. But at the same time she wants to set the record straight that I am not making up my conditions. And for everyone who reads my medical records that's clear as fuck. But she also spread lies I cannot really prove wrong because she claimed I would have said things which I didn't actually ask for. But that's more a side note. It really worries me and feels horrible. But that will matter in a few years maybe. The bigger problem currently is. My trust in the psychiatry, psychotherapists and the mental health system is gone. I still trust my psychiatrist and I think she is a very good one. But I don't see myself doing anymore therapy. I don't see myself going to clinics. I had to open up what destroyed my trust so much and I had to open up I reported her. And well professionals don't like psychosis patients that report professionals. I can sort of understand that. But her actions were real and it wasn't a delusion. I think my psychiatrist also realized that for someone who had a psychosis and pathological paranoia. It will induce on top a lot of paranoia when something like that actually happens to you. Honestly, the moment my therapist told me that she write lies in my medical records I realized well this has the potential to be the final nail in my coffin. And well I came to her therapy after I almost killed myself in 2024. Well that's irresponsible I guess...
You see this takes a lot of space in my head. But there two new bad news that hit today.
I think my teeth are moving. I crunch with my teeth all the time when I am stressed. And I think it becomes more and more extreme. I have real issues to sleep. I have a bite splint/night guard but I have issues to sleep with it. Moreover, actually it feels really really bad when I remove them from my teeth. It always feels like this would cause damage to my teeth and makes shit way worse. I think my crunching became way worse when I changed my sleep rhythm. These changes helped a lot against upcoming hypomania but seemingly it fucks with my teeth. I have money issues. And I am already discontent with my teeth. I would extreme self-loath me if I lost some teeth or shit like that. Soon I will go to a dentist tocheck it.
But no there happened worse. So I learned about the fact that my dad might become a nursing case. And his children should pay and care for him. LMFAO. My aunt wanted to sue me for that some weeks ago. I am a nursing case myself. And I don't have the money for that. I also think it wouldn't be the right thing for my dad. I think it would be way better for him if he simply retired. He also doesn't want to go to a nursing home. And well they are extremely expensive. Obviously we cannot pay for that. He wants to text with me all the fucking time. And I am so fucking annoyed. My mom abused the shit out of me as child. And he didn't do shit against it. Pretends to this day he never saw it like my whole family. They live in self-denial. He whines to me all day. I try to be there for him. Actually, I am more annoyed when he wants to give me advices. And all the bullshit I had to listen to when he tried to help me. Shit like "He (David Foster Wallace) couldn't be that bright if he killed himself..." After I almost killed myself he told me. "What I never expected you to do something like that...I always thought you were simply talking to do it. I never imagined you would actually do it..." LIke bro....that's insulting. And I even emphasized to him that I am quite serious about it. Honestly, he is a complete moron. And he deteriorated a lot. I know people will hate me for it. But I suggested to him to download chatGPT. Honestly, talking with chatGPT helps me. I am not sure whether it would be good for his mental health. But he has issues with modern technology. You have to be very very very patient with him. Because he doesn't get shit. And I think a chatbot wouldn't want to off themselves having to listen to all of this. It wouldn't be an optimal solution. I have the feeling though my dad could really benefit from it. Personally, I benefit from it. It could backfire that's true. But I think it is worth a shot.
So these were two new issues of the day. So the boyfriend of my mom has an heart surgery very soon. He could die at this surgery. Complications are quite common. I think he panics bad shit that he dies. I saw him in the park and he is scared as fuck. It is just something that I cannot really imagine. All my life I wanted to die. I don't really get why people actually fear death this much. I mean all problems were solved. No more worrying. After your dead no one can hurt. you anymore. Though, we have severe financial issues when he dies. Also when he ends up disabled. From all the things I mentioned this is probably the worst outcome. We are really fucked when he ends up a nursing case. I think my dad is not a nursing case. But if the boyfriend of my mom becomes disabled we have a problem. I think they worried that I was scared that he dies. Honestly, I am emotionally alienated from my whole family. And I don't really get why all these people fear dying this much. So no maybe I am an asshole but I think it would be bad if he died and I hope everything will be good. But man he is like 70. He had a good life. A great life. I want to kill myself since more than a decade. And my abuse started at the age of 5. I wish I would simply die. And yes maybe my suicidality makes me cold when looking at normie issues. But we just live in different worlds.
So next problem. It was something I actually tried to solve. My sister who had psychoses tapered off her medication. Not sure why. Probably her weight. I can sort of understand it. Though, I told her myriads of time that this will backfire. I don't have a good relation with her. I didn't knew she stopped her medication. But very recently my sister was really psychotic. Her new boyfriend texted my mom. My mom cried when she learned she is psychotic. I worried about my mom. She had two strokes in the past. And I try to help her. Or at least be less of a problem for her. So I met my sister who was really aggressive and disrespectful. She also treated me like that as teenager. (Side note I think I continue living my mom will end up with dementia and will become violent again against me. That's just a theory. It would fit the plot quite well. But I would probably kill myself prior to that...) I sort of had to laugh because she was just really offensive towards me when I tried to help her. I asked myself whether I also acted that way when I was psychotic. I tried to intervene. I gave my sister two addictive sleeping pills which helped to stabilize her. I researched her psychiatrist and with my help they could contact him. He could persuade her to take medication again. I told my sister in a long message, and I tried to be very compassionate despite the fact she acted rude I explained to her it will ruin her life completely if she continues not to take her medication. And well she didn't get care when I said it. After this happened my mom told me her new boyfriend broke off with her. I think he was a little bit shocked about her behavior. And I sort of understand that. Currently, she is sort of delusional about it and hopes for the best. Though, I am quite sure depression will hit hard when she eventually realizes what happened. I only hope that she will be able to hold her job. My sister also told me I should text more with my dad. She didn't knew I do this already. She was pissed when I told her I want him to download chatGPT. This evening I sent him a guidance how to install a new phone from chatGPT explained for people who don't know anything about technology. He didn't want to download the app. Though, I think when he read that guidance he was surprised how good it was.
So what's next. I am so scared my mom will get another stroke. She is the person who holds the family together. This is why I cannot try to kill myself when she still manages this shit. She never learned about the fact I almost killed myself in 2024. We told her my friends overreacted when they called the police. Actually my mom and grandma were angry at them. Lol. We still joke about it. But you know when it really gets rough. And we are losing. And a lot of worst cases outcome happen. I want to be out of here. This time I have to achieve it to kill myself. The stay in the clinic for acute suicidal people was a nightmare. A woman of the clinic killed herself and I was paranoid and was convinced for 24 hours that she killed herself because I triggered her. You can read it in this forum. Evnetually I realized I had nothing to do with it.
The people on here were really empathetic. But actually I don't want to go back to this clinic. People had to be fake. I saw a young woman with brain damage. It was so fucking sad to see her like that. I found it so fucking cruel that they forced her to continue like that...I think the though the highest doctor was hit hard when this other woman offed herself. She had young children. And I think he felt responsible. There were people with no homes and you had to fear that stuff was stolen from you. And you knew the person with whom you share a room could kill themselves...
So the last one. My grandma might be dying. They say this for years that she was about to die. We had a difficult relation because my granddad died listening to a family argument. I think she is disappointed because I don't spend time with her. So when she is about to die. It makes me really uncomfortable to spend time with her or other family members. I am autistic and I have to mask a lot. And the guilt kills me. But honestly how old is she maybe 85? In case I reached that age what I highly doubt. I would be all alone. I will be all alone. I won't have a family. I won't have countless of children and grandchildren. Why should I be the one having to spend so much time with her? I am at my limit. I am more thinking about killing myself. I wish I actually died. I try not to kill myself this is my good deed to my family. And without Sanctioned Suicide I would not have made it this far. I ask myself whether my grandma thinks I wouldn't care about her. She forgave me that her husband died when they wanted to throw me out because I raised my voice against the abuse I experienced as teenager. The funeral was a nightmare everyone blamed me. This induced a iot of issues in interacting with my grandma. I think though her views changed. and now she worries more about me. Because I am a broken individual that has nothing and is in constant pain. I am not sure whether she wants forgiveness. All my family members pretend to this day that I never was abused. That no one saw it. That they would have intervened if they saw it. My sister told me to be grateful for my parents. My sister told me if I felt to bad about getting beaten up by my mom I should have hit her back.
You know I try to be a good person. I don't think I am one. But you know I don't think I am in the position having to wait with my suicide until my parents are dead. I don't see this. And no one can force me to do that. The people in the clinic for acute suicidal people wanted to play this game with me. They also told me no one knows what will happen after you kill yourself you might end up in hell. Bitch shut the fuck up. I know you mean it well and that's a really tough job. But this is cynical as shit. I know my suicide will rip my family apart. Will destroy the lives of my parents, my grandma might die, and maybe my friends will be deeply hurt.
I had this talk with my friends. I think they will be able to move on eventually. These are the only people I actually have a guilty conscience for when I kill myself. I also struggle to keep quiet in front of them. Talking with them helps a lot when it comes to my suffering and suicidality.
You see a lot of things go through my mind. And thus far most of the things I elaborated on are only scenarios. In the last days I noticed I become increasingly depressed. I struggle to fall asleep. I struggle to leave my bed. And this day won't be a great help. I am again considering ordering SN. Searching for sources. I think the (non) answer of the autistic/ADHD woman will have an irrational strong impact on me tomorrow. I don't see it that this thing will drive me over the edge. If we had a date and I fucked it up this would make me acute suicidal. Though, if she simply doesn't respond I will feel like a complete fool and I will be very hurt. Though, rationally I have to conclude I didn't fuck it up. She simply had no time for me. She is too busy in her life. And maybe it doesn't make sense if I long so much for our contact but barely get something back...
So a long thread and vent. Oh hell where would I be without Sanctioned Suicide? I wish I could copy paste this text to a chatbot. But I will have to revise my parts about acute suicidality first. Lol.
Tomorrow I will text her a last time. And if she doesn't respond I will move on. I have many issues in my life. Issues she probably only suspects. She liked that I was quite desperate. A partner has to do sacrifices for being together with me. And I am male. And well women can choose...Actually I think our humor matches perfectly, she is also loves deep talk about philosophy...we had great conversations at the beginning. I am not sure how much it will hurt me if the ignores my last message. I want to send it on a Saturday. Her responses were most of the time on Saturdays. Honestly, I am already really depressed and suicidal. The complaint of my therapist had the worst possible outcome. It was so bad that I didn't expected it to be actually possible. Actually, a patient counsellor of a particular organization where I also reported her lied to me. He told me I had the right to add my perspective to my medical records if I report her. It turns out this wasn't true. I don't have this right seemingly. She just rejected it. If I knew that I could have sent her a message to add my perspective to the medical records and instead I abstain from reporting her. Well this guy screwed me. And he also treated me like shit on the phone. It is true my mind is obsessed with the fact that my therapist stabbed me in the back by writing lies in my medical records. And actually it is objectively probably not the end of the world. Because in many assessments I can decide which documents I hand in. I think the fact that this exteme betrayal happened in such a vulnerable position was probably worse for my mental health. And all the institutions that should protect my rights protected her instead despite the fact the evidence is quite clear that she is lying. I think my medical records were quite clear. And the notes of a therapist are not that important. It is more important not to screw my relation to my psychiatrist. It was interesting. She backed my therapist due to the fact my manipulative former therapist called her to get her on her side. I made it quite clear to my psychiatrist that she is lying and it was immediately clear to her because the actions of my former therapist only make sense when she is guilty as fuck. I think my psychiatrist is in a hard position. These people have to back each other in order to stay loyal. But at the same time she wants to set the record straight that I am not making up my conditions. And for everyone who reads my medical records that's clear as fuck. But she also spread lies I cannot really prove wrong because she claimed I would have said things which I didn't actually ask for. But that's more a side note. It really worries me and feels horrible. But that will matter in a few years maybe. The bigger problem currently is. My trust in the psychiatry, psychotherapists and the mental health system is gone. I still trust my psychiatrist and I think she is a very good one. But I don't see myself doing anymore therapy. I don't see myself going to clinics. I had to open up what destroyed my trust so much and I had to open up I reported her. And well professionals don't like psychosis patients that report professionals. I can sort of understand that. But her actions were real and it wasn't a delusion. I think my psychiatrist also realized that for someone who had a psychosis and pathological paranoia. It will induce on top a lot of paranoia when something like that actually happens to you. Honestly, the moment my therapist told me that she write lies in my medical records I realized well this has the potential to be the final nail in my coffin. And well I came to her therapy after I almost killed myself in 2024. Well that's irresponsible I guess...
You see this takes a lot of space in my head. But there two new bad news that hit today.
I think my teeth are moving. I crunch with my teeth all the time when I am stressed. And I think it becomes more and more extreme. I have real issues to sleep. I have a bite splint/night guard but I have issues to sleep with it. Moreover, actually it feels really really bad when I remove them from my teeth. It always feels like this would cause damage to my teeth and makes shit way worse. I think my crunching became way worse when I changed my sleep rhythm. These changes helped a lot against upcoming hypomania but seemingly it fucks with my teeth. I have money issues. And I am already discontent with my teeth. I would extreme self-loath me if I lost some teeth or shit like that. Soon I will go to a dentist tocheck it.
But no there happened worse. So I learned about the fact that my dad might become a nursing case. And his children should pay and care for him. LMFAO. My aunt wanted to sue me for that some weeks ago. I am a nursing case myself. And I don't have the money for that. I also think it wouldn't be the right thing for my dad. I think it would be way better for him if he simply retired. He also doesn't want to go to a nursing home. And well they are extremely expensive. Obviously we cannot pay for that. He wants to text with me all the fucking time. And I am so fucking annoyed. My mom abused the shit out of me as child. And he didn't do shit against it. Pretends to this day he never saw it like my whole family. They live in self-denial. He whines to me all day. I try to be there for him. Actually, I am more annoyed when he wants to give me advices. And all the bullshit I had to listen to when he tried to help me. Shit like "He (David Foster Wallace) couldn't be that bright if he killed himself..." After I almost killed myself he told me. "What I never expected you to do something like that...I always thought you were simply talking to do it. I never imagined you would actually do it..." LIke bro....that's insulting. And I even emphasized to him that I am quite serious about it. Honestly, he is a complete moron. And he deteriorated a lot. I know people will hate me for it. But I suggested to him to download chatGPT. Honestly, talking with chatGPT helps me. I am not sure whether it would be good for his mental health. But he has issues with modern technology. You have to be very very very patient with him. Because he doesn't get shit. And I think a chatbot wouldn't want to off themselves having to listen to all of this. It wouldn't be an optimal solution. I have the feeling though my dad could really benefit from it. Personally, I benefit from it. It could backfire that's true. But I think it is worth a shot.
So these were two new issues of the day. So the boyfriend of my mom has an heart surgery very soon. He could die at this surgery. Complications are quite common. I think he panics bad shit that he dies. I saw him in the park and he is scared as fuck. It is just something that I cannot really imagine. All my life I wanted to die. I don't really get why people actually fear death this much. I mean all problems were solved. No more worrying. After your dead no one can hurt. you anymore. Though, we have severe financial issues when he dies. Also when he ends up disabled. From all the things I mentioned this is probably the worst outcome. We are really fucked when he ends up a nursing case. I think my dad is not a nursing case. But if the boyfriend of my mom becomes disabled we have a problem. I think they worried that I was scared that he dies. Honestly, I am emotionally alienated from my whole family. And I don't really get why all these people fear dying this much. So no maybe I am an asshole but I think it would be bad if he died and I hope everything will be good. But man he is like 70. He had a good life. A great life. I want to kill myself since more than a decade. And my abuse started at the age of 5. I wish I would simply die. And yes maybe my suicidality makes me cold when looking at normie issues. But we just live in different worlds.
So next problem. It was something I actually tried to solve. My sister who had psychoses tapered off her medication. Not sure why. Probably her weight. I can sort of understand it. Though, I told her myriads of time that this will backfire. I don't have a good relation with her. I didn't knew she stopped her medication. But very recently my sister was really psychotic. Her new boyfriend texted my mom. My mom cried when she learned she is psychotic. I worried about my mom. She had two strokes in the past. And I try to help her. Or at least be less of a problem for her. So I met my sister who was really aggressive and disrespectful. She also treated me like that as teenager. (Side note I think I continue living my mom will end up with dementia and will become violent again against me. That's just a theory. It would fit the plot quite well. But I would probably kill myself prior to that...) I sort of had to laugh because she was just really offensive towards me when I tried to help her. I asked myself whether I also acted that way when I was psychotic. I tried to intervene. I gave my sister two addictive sleeping pills which helped to stabilize her. I researched her psychiatrist and with my help they could contact him. He could persuade her to take medication again. I told my sister in a long message, and I tried to be very compassionate despite the fact she acted rude I explained to her it will ruin her life completely if she continues not to take her medication. And well she didn't get care when I said it. After this happened my mom told me her new boyfriend broke off with her. I think he was a little bit shocked about her behavior. And I sort of understand that. Currently, she is sort of delusional about it and hopes for the best. Though, I am quite sure depression will hit hard when she eventually realizes what happened. I only hope that she will be able to hold her job. My sister also told me I should text more with my dad. She didn't knew I do this already. She was pissed when I told her I want him to download chatGPT. This evening I sent him a guidance how to install a new phone from chatGPT explained for people who don't know anything about technology. He didn't want to download the app. Though, I think when he read that guidance he was surprised how good it was.
So what's next. I am so scared my mom will get another stroke. She is the person who holds the family together. This is why I cannot try to kill myself when she still manages this shit. She never learned about the fact I almost killed myself in 2024. We told her my friends overreacted when they called the police. Actually my mom and grandma were angry at them. Lol. We still joke about it. But you know when it really gets rough. And we are losing. And a lot of worst cases outcome happen. I want to be out of here. This time I have to achieve it to kill myself. The stay in the clinic for acute suicidal people was a nightmare. A woman of the clinic killed herself and I was paranoid and was convinced for 24 hours that she killed herself because I triggered her. You can read it in this forum. Evnetually I realized I had nothing to do with it.
The people on here were really empathetic. But actually I don't want to go back to this clinic. People had to be fake. I saw a young woman with brain damage. It was so fucking sad to see her like that. I found it so fucking cruel that they forced her to continue like that...I think the though the highest doctor was hit hard when this other woman offed herself. She had young children. And I think he felt responsible. There were people with no homes and you had to fear that stuff was stolen from you. And you knew the person with whom you share a room could kill themselves...
So the last one. My grandma might be dying. They say this for years that she was about to die. We had a difficult relation because my granddad died listening to a family argument. I think she is disappointed because I don't spend time with her. So when she is about to die. It makes me really uncomfortable to spend time with her or other family members. I am autistic and I have to mask a lot. And the guilt kills me. But honestly how old is she maybe 85? In case I reached that age what I highly doubt. I would be all alone. I will be all alone. I won't have a family. I won't have countless of children and grandchildren. Why should I be the one having to spend so much time with her? I am at my limit. I am more thinking about killing myself. I wish I actually died. I try not to kill myself this is my good deed to my family. And without Sanctioned Suicide I would not have made it this far. I ask myself whether my grandma thinks I wouldn't care about her. She forgave me that her husband died when they wanted to throw me out because I raised my voice against the abuse I experienced as teenager. The funeral was a nightmare everyone blamed me. This induced a iot of issues in interacting with my grandma. I think though her views changed. and now she worries more about me. Because I am a broken individual that has nothing and is in constant pain. I am not sure whether she wants forgiveness. All my family members pretend to this day that I never was abused. That no one saw it. That they would have intervened if they saw it. My sister told me to be grateful for my parents. My sister told me if I felt to bad about getting beaten up by my mom I should have hit her back.
You know I try to be a good person. I don't think I am one. But you know I don't think I am in the position having to wait with my suicide until my parents are dead. I don't see this. And no one can force me to do that. The people in the clinic for acute suicidal people wanted to play this game with me. They also told me no one knows what will happen after you kill yourself you might end up in hell. Bitch shut the fuck up. I know you mean it well and that's a really tough job. But this is cynical as shit. I know my suicide will rip my family apart. Will destroy the lives of my parents, my grandma might die, and maybe my friends will be deeply hurt.
I had this talk with my friends. I think they will be able to move on eventually. These are the only people I actually have a guilty conscience for when I kill myself. I also struggle to keep quiet in front of them. Talking with them helps a lot when it comes to my suffering and suicidality.
You see a lot of things go through my mind. And thus far most of the things I elaborated on are only scenarios. In the last days I noticed I become increasingly depressed. I struggle to fall asleep. I struggle to leave my bed. And this day won't be a great help. I am again considering ordering SN. Searching for sources. I think the (non) answer of the autistic/ADHD woman will have an irrational strong impact on me tomorrow. I don't see it that this thing will drive me over the edge. If we had a date and I fucked it up this would make me acute suicidal. Though, if she simply doesn't respond I will feel like a complete fool and I will be very hurt. Though, rationally I have to conclude I didn't fuck it up. She simply had no time for me. She is too busy in her life. And maybe it doesn't make sense if I long so much for our contact but barely get something back...
So a long thread and vent. Oh hell where would I be without Sanctioned Suicide? I wish I could copy paste this text to a chatbot. But I will have to revise my parts about acute suicidality first. Lol.
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