When upsetting things keep piling on you, people keep hurting you, hurtful life events keep happening, etc, and you're so hurt and frustrated and suicidal and struggling so much it is HARD to fight the urges to snap and lash out at people you care about/who care about you, isn't it? I keep coming to the people I love trying to have a space to talk about my hurt and why it makes me suicidal and all I get is "you can handle this," "you'll get through this," "I believe in you," when I fucking need them to acknowledge that I'm fucking dying and if I don't get the help I need they're going to be having conversations with a fucking gravestone, and then I end up saying those exact words and it never feels good to hear.
My wonderful partner of two and a half years has been so patient and sweet with me and has been going through her own struggles (autism) and recovery and has finally decided that she doesn't feel safe or comfortable around me and that she's not putting any more effort into us anymore. I understand why, and wish that there were bigger actions I had taken prior to her breaking up with me to work on myself, protect her, and save the relationship. But too little too late. She's so done with me. She's so angry. She yells so much. She never yelled before. We don't work as friends, she says. I'm devastated to learn she never felt we worked as friends, since I felt she was my best friend. It's put me in the worst depressive state I've been in to date (each breakup gets worse than the last, and I really thought she and I were different) and it's not been abating. Weed, hydroxyzine, quitting my job, living with my family, venting to my friends, video games, benzos, talk therapy, hardly anything is helping at all and it's coming to a fucking crescendo. With her giving up on me I thought I was truly done and then my friends around me started giving up on me, too (telling me I'm being unreasonable, it's holding them hostage to say I'll end the friendship if they pink slip me/if I say it's triggering and painful for them to tell me I'm gonna live) and it's just fucking horrible. I know I'm saying things that aren't okay but half the time I'm not even remembering what I'm saying or what the argument is about, I'm just so upset and hurt and afraid and feeling so abandoned it's just a blur of panic and anxiety and being unable to handle my emotions or really think about what I'm doing. Years of friendships and love going down the drain because of the worst four weeks of my life and I cracked under the pressure.
Right now I have the opportunity to go to a residential facility with genuinely all the types of therapy I want (ketamine therapy, TMS, EAPT, ACT, DBT, large focus on neurodivergence and queerness, genetic testing to find what medications will help better, focusing on a more holistic mind-body experience etc) and I can't even find myself wanting to put in that effort to heal if everyone is gone. I have a single friend where I live, a single friend in another state, and then my family members who will still talk to me, and I know somewhere in me that's so much, but those are people who chose me. I want the people I chose to be around me and to not abandon me and to say I'm worth it and they want to see me get better and be around me if/when I get better.
But what is the fucking point of getting better at all if they're all dipping and saying "nah you're loved you've got these couple people who do it by default, find someone else?" How many people have done that? I get told that's the world we live in, relationships come and go, you can't rely on anyone. That's supposed to fucking make me want to live? I hate that fact so much I developed a goddamned personality disorder around it (borderline). Trying to force me to accept it and be happy with it isn't doing any of us any good.
I'm so frustrated and so hurt. I know I'm being unfair to some of the people around me but none of the people around me are acknowledging that they're being unfair to me, too, and that it is possible for two people to simultaneously be fair and unfair to each other about different and the same things.
My girlfriend, my beloved, my heart, I miss you so dearly and would do anything, including give you the space, so long as I know we can reconnect after. I know you're so hurt and need the space. I can wait. Just don't give up on me. Let it heal, my love. Please.
I'm so done.
I'm so hurt.
I'm trying to figure out the best method but everything is so damned expensive. Guns, inert gases, medications. I wish I had the nerve to hang myself. I live in the US but struggle to find sodium nitrite (instead of nitr-ate), and even then if I found it I know there's other medications I'd want to take to help make sure it's effective.
I have a car with a malfunctioning catalytic converter, aluminum tape, and flexible aluminum duct. I have some lorazepam (Ativan). I have some ondansetron (Zofran). I also have type one diabetes and a bunch of Humalog (lispro) insulin and syringes. I also have 4oz of pennyroyal essential oil, but I know that while pennyroyal oil is really deadly it also takes upwards of a week in some cases. Does anyone have any ideas or recommendations? Or do I need to keep suffering through this shit and dodging the mental health gestapo until I can get more materials?
My wonderful partner of two and a half years has been so patient and sweet with me and has been going through her own struggles (autism) and recovery and has finally decided that she doesn't feel safe or comfortable around me and that she's not putting any more effort into us anymore. I understand why, and wish that there were bigger actions I had taken prior to her breaking up with me to work on myself, protect her, and save the relationship. But too little too late. She's so done with me. She's so angry. She yells so much. She never yelled before. We don't work as friends, she says. I'm devastated to learn she never felt we worked as friends, since I felt she was my best friend. It's put me in the worst depressive state I've been in to date (each breakup gets worse than the last, and I really thought she and I were different) and it's not been abating. Weed, hydroxyzine, quitting my job, living with my family, venting to my friends, video games, benzos, talk therapy, hardly anything is helping at all and it's coming to a fucking crescendo. With her giving up on me I thought I was truly done and then my friends around me started giving up on me, too (telling me I'm being unreasonable, it's holding them hostage to say I'll end the friendship if they pink slip me/if I say it's triggering and painful for them to tell me I'm gonna live) and it's just fucking horrible. I know I'm saying things that aren't okay but half the time I'm not even remembering what I'm saying or what the argument is about, I'm just so upset and hurt and afraid and feeling so abandoned it's just a blur of panic and anxiety and being unable to handle my emotions or really think about what I'm doing. Years of friendships and love going down the drain because of the worst four weeks of my life and I cracked under the pressure.
Right now I have the opportunity to go to a residential facility with genuinely all the types of therapy I want (ketamine therapy, TMS, EAPT, ACT, DBT, large focus on neurodivergence and queerness, genetic testing to find what medications will help better, focusing on a more holistic mind-body experience etc) and I can't even find myself wanting to put in that effort to heal if everyone is gone. I have a single friend where I live, a single friend in another state, and then my family members who will still talk to me, and I know somewhere in me that's so much, but those are people who chose me. I want the people I chose to be around me and to not abandon me and to say I'm worth it and they want to see me get better and be around me if/when I get better.
But what is the fucking point of getting better at all if they're all dipping and saying "nah you're loved you've got these couple people who do it by default, find someone else?" How many people have done that? I get told that's the world we live in, relationships come and go, you can't rely on anyone. That's supposed to fucking make me want to live? I hate that fact so much I developed a goddamned personality disorder around it (borderline). Trying to force me to accept it and be happy with it isn't doing any of us any good.
I'm so frustrated and so hurt. I know I'm being unfair to some of the people around me but none of the people around me are acknowledging that they're being unfair to me, too, and that it is possible for two people to simultaneously be fair and unfair to each other about different and the same things.
My girlfriend, my beloved, my heart, I miss you so dearly and would do anything, including give you the space, so long as I know we can reconnect after. I know you're so hurt and need the space. I can wait. Just don't give up on me. Let it heal, my love. Please.
I'm so done.
I'm so hurt.
I'm trying to figure out the best method but everything is so damned expensive. Guns, inert gases, medications. I wish I had the nerve to hang myself. I live in the US but struggle to find sodium nitrite (instead of nitr-ate), and even then if I found it I know there's other medications I'd want to take to help make sure it's effective.
I have a car with a malfunctioning catalytic converter, aluminum tape, and flexible aluminum duct. I have some lorazepam (Ativan). I have some ondansetron (Zofran). I also have type one diabetes and a bunch of Humalog (lispro) insulin and syringes. I also have 4oz of pennyroyal essential oil, but I know that while pennyroyal oil is really deadly it also takes upwards of a week in some cases. Does anyone have any ideas or recommendations? Or do I need to keep suffering through this shit and dodging the mental health gestapo until I can get more materials?
