I wish it was this simple of not waking up.
I'm 29M, though most days I feel ancient.
I used to be in IT. "Used to be" – funny how quickly things change. I wasn't great, but I was good enough to get by. At least, I thought I was. Depression has a way of dismantling everything you think you know about yourself.
It started slowly. Missed deadlines. Stupid mistakes in my work. Brain fog that made simple tasks feel like advanced calculus. I'd stare at my screen for hours, procrastinate & ending up doing mediocre work towards the deadlines.
To cope, started to drink just a drink or two to take the edge off, I told myself. The fog never lifted; it just got thicker.
The day they let me go was almost a relief. Almost. Reality hit hard when I realized I had no safety net. No friends to crash with, no family to lean on. Just me.
I've tried to get back on my feet. I really have. I can barely muster the energy to shower, let alone learn the anything useful.
The few interviews I've managed to land have been disasters. I stumble over my words, my confidence shattered. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother.
Funny thing is, I used to dream of finding someone. A partner, a lover, hell, even just a friend. Now? The thought of human connection terrifies me. I can't remember the last time someone touched me with affection. A hug, a handshake, anything.
I see couples walking down the street, holding hands, laughing. It's like watching a foreign film without subtitles. I recognize the actions, but the meaning is lost on me. What does it feel like to be wanted? To be loved? I'll probably never know.
Some days, I don't leave my apartment. What's the point? The world outside is just a reminder of everything I'm not, everything I'll never be. I'm a ghost, haunting my own life.
I know I need help. The rational part of my brain – what's left of it – screams at me to reach out, to try. But every time I think about it, I'm paralyzed.
So I sit here, in my dimly lit apartment, surrounded by the detritus of a life barely-lived.
And I'm not sure how much longer I can keep existing like this.
Wish it could all end....
I'm 29M, though most days I feel ancient.
I used to be in IT. "Used to be" – funny how quickly things change. I wasn't great, but I was good enough to get by. At least, I thought I was. Depression has a way of dismantling everything you think you know about yourself.
It started slowly. Missed deadlines. Stupid mistakes in my work. Brain fog that made simple tasks feel like advanced calculus. I'd stare at my screen for hours, procrastinate & ending up doing mediocre work towards the deadlines.
To cope, started to drink just a drink or two to take the edge off, I told myself. The fog never lifted; it just got thicker.
The day they let me go was almost a relief. Almost. Reality hit hard when I realized I had no safety net. No friends to crash with, no family to lean on. Just me.
I've tried to get back on my feet. I really have. I can barely muster the energy to shower, let alone learn the anything useful.
The few interviews I've managed to land have been disasters. I stumble over my words, my confidence shattered. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother.
Funny thing is, I used to dream of finding someone. A partner, a lover, hell, even just a friend. Now? The thought of human connection terrifies me. I can't remember the last time someone touched me with affection. A hug, a handshake, anything.
I see couples walking down the street, holding hands, laughing. It's like watching a foreign film without subtitles. I recognize the actions, but the meaning is lost on me. What does it feel like to be wanted? To be loved? I'll probably never know.
Some days, I don't leave my apartment. What's the point? The world outside is just a reminder of everything I'm not, everything I'll never be. I'm a ghost, haunting my own life.
I know I need help. The rational part of my brain – what's left of it – screams at me to reach out, to try. But every time I think about it, I'm paralyzed.
So I sit here, in my dimly lit apartment, surrounded by the detritus of a life barely-lived.
And I'm not sure how much longer I can keep existing like this.
Wish it could all end....
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