every day is a performance (stupid vent)

[Renv1o_]

I don't want to live in a world where I feel pressured to be young and attractive forever. People will say that isn't true, but it absolutely is. As long as you're alive, you're pressured to look, be and act a certain way- but you can't be too loud about it, because that's wrong too.

As a child, I was followed home for dressing weird and looking weird. Kids found it funny to laugh at me- Now that I'm older, I've been followed home for "leading someone on" just because I smile and laugh along with things when I'm nervous. I've been called names for wearing a skirt in winter and being a "whore." I've been called awkward because I say the wrong things, and called lazy because, even when I try my hardest, I'm always lagging behind other people my age. No matter what I am, it's never enough.

I know I'll never be satisfied by putting my worth on what others say, but what others have to say can quite literally construct how your whole life plays out- I get so angry when people just tell me to have a stronger mind, to have better self worth.
Yes, it's okay and encouraged to live for yourself, but it's so hard when all I want to do is die.

Every day feels like a big game of pretend called "How fuckable can I be?" I'm tired of always trying to be pretty and perfect for the sake of others. All I have going for me is my body, but even that is mutilated and repulsive. I try my best to be nice to everyone, to be a good person, but I'm not even sure if it's genuine anymore. I don't know what I am.

Nothing excites me anymore, nothing feels worth living for, and every day feels the same. I feel so apathetic and dull.
What else do I live for? Am I even allowed to keep living like this? I feel like a product of some kind, made to be consumed and viewed.

 

[Leiot]

It's not just women but you have it worse than we do. I'm with you - I hate how superficial people can be. But they've been taught to act that way. Look at media & culture; women are 'supposed' to look and act a certain way. I feel sorry for them. Think about how clueless they are.

I hope you can find some people who can see you and not your body. I have a friend who is gorgeous, and she has guys trying to get into her pants all the time. They don't see the rest of her; how she's a really nice person, a successful business owner, has real friends and is comfortable with who she is. Nope. Just big boobs and a hot body. Sad.

I know I'll never be satisfied by putting my worth on what others say, but what others have to say can quite literally construct how your whole life plays out- I get so angry when people just tell me to have a stronger mind, to have better self worth.
Yes, it's okay and encouraged to live for yourself, but it's so hard when all I want to do is die.

Yeah, I love that. "You need to improve your self-worth" while you're fighting suicidal thoughts. Nice. Why didn't anyone else think of that? Geez..