Venting Eternally Stuck.

[citruslynx]

Something changed a little about a week or two ago for me, which is hard to put my finger on exactly what. But I've grown a little bit more on edge and more anxious, and severely run out of gas in me... So much so that it is pretty agonizing being awake. But of-fucking-course I am too scared to ever try and attempt to CTB. So now I am forcibly stuck in existence! It sucks so bad... so bad... I feel so lost and so much anxiety is growing within me and no one can help me. It's excruciating. The only thing that could ever help me would be the promise of stability but that's not how life works so I'M FUCKING STUCK HERE.

Maybe jealous isn't the right word to use here, because ultimately it still meant that they were struggling just as much if not more, but I get really envious of others who are not afraid to CTB. It sounds a little easier that way...

 

[FuneralCry]

I certainly understand that it's so dreadful feeling trapped in this existence, it's so cruel to me how there's all this suffering in existing. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[NorthernC]

Something changed a little about a week or two ago for me, which is hard to put my finger on exactly what. But I've grown a little bit more on edge and more anxious, and severely run out of gas in me... So much so that it is pretty agonizing being awake. But of-fucking-course I am too scared to ever try and attempt to CTB. So now I am forcibly stuck in existence! It sucks so bad... so bad... I feel so lost and so much anxiety is growing within me and no one can help me. It's excruciating. The only thing that could ever help me would be the promise of stability but that's not how life works so I'M FUCKING STUCK HERE.

Maybe jealous isn't the right word to use here, because ultimately it still meant that they were struggling just as much if not more, but I get really envious of others who are not afraid to CTB. It sounds a little easier that way...

I get it I feel trapped too (but for different reasons). I have everything I need to CTB. I feel like a complete monster for taking as many steps towards CTB as I already have (at least this time round, discounting previous attempts when younger) - because I have kids who don't necessarily rely on my existing anymore, but it would still destroy their lives (especially my eldest who I'm close to ).

I'm stuck until I do something super impulsive during a crisis. I'm a bad person for getting everything ready in preparation for that one MH crisis that is guaranteed to happen in the near future. No letters, no more planning, nothing. Hugs