Envy and pity

[Mr. Incapable]

I hate that I envy the people who wake up not knowing they're going to die that day, or the people who go to bed not knowing they won't wake up. And I pity them. I pity the ones who do enjoy their lives or had goals, dreams, love or success that they wanted to achieve because I, personally, don't think the world is innately bad (although I think people can be. Not all, but some). In my case, our case, we just got very unlucky. I hate that the choice to die has to be at my own hands rather than my body just simply giving up without warning. Heart attack, stroke, organ failure, sudden adult death syndrome, sudden cardiac arrest, haemorrhage, at this point, I'd take anything.

Is it cruel of me to envy those? especially those who, if given the choice, would've preferred to live than die? Dying seems like the easiest but hardest thing to do, especially by choice. My first attempt was all the way back in 2010 aged 20, and I'm still trying today. Writing that or saying it out loud makes me feel so weak.

 

[SilentSadness]

I think this post is reflective of what a lot of us think here. You're certainly not weak for not wanting to be brutalised in death. It is definitely exceptionally difficult to commit suicide and its difficulty is hard to overstate; it's always frustrating to see media portray it as something that can happen by accident. We did get unlucky because there is no justifying the suffering we have to experience. Hopefully you can get peace soon, peace from the suffering that is undeniably not your fault.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Is it cruel of me to envy those?

Nope, only actions can be cruel, not feelings. You're certainly not the first person to bemoan how those who want to live are randomly dealt death instead of those who don't.

 

[FuneralCry]

I very much envy those who just die suddenly, I consider them to be very fortunate as they don't have to find a way to leave themselves. Your feelings are perfectly valid, at least in my case I only envy those who no longer exist as they are incapable of suffering. I really hate how difficult suicide is.

 

[downndone2]

I completely agree. I wish so much that I'd just suddenly die every day. My hope when I fall asleep is that I won't wake up again