Endless stalling with no purpose to gain

[Oeoe3]

Do you just ever get confused about when's the right time to die? I was supposed to be gone since august but things didn't work out and now I'm still here.

I was planning on doing it next month but then a close friend suddenly reminded me of their birthday on the same month. It's troubling me too much. I can't decide whether I should follow through with it or not. I care too much about them however I just can't find it within me to last another year. I'm just idly breathing while waiting for the deadline to come while at the same time preparing for their birthday. This isn't even something that upsetting yet I'm already exhausted.

 

[chester]

Originally I was supposed to be gone by the end of June. That's how SI works, it keeps finding these little things that make us feel "not yet". I wish I could just die without having to do it myself, that would make things much simpler.

 

[Oeoe3]

Originally I was supposed to be gone by the end of June. That's how SI works, it keeps finding these little things that make us feel "not yet". I wish I could just die without having to do it myself, that would make things much simpler.

Right, and It's so frustrating. Dying seems like the easiest thing on earth but when you try to do it, it suddenly becomes impossible. Why can't there just be an off button for life? Anyhow, best of luck for you. I hope things become easier.

 

[_Gollum_]

Yes completely understand what you are saying……after attempting suicide a few times I said to myself the next time has got to be right, as the mental pain of failing just floors me.

Ive got everything I need to CTB, even SN, but I know my next attempt has to be certain.

I'm in the same position, I guess there are two ways of looking at it:

1) I have SN, why the hell am I delaying and enduring more days of suffering? Why not just use it now? Why am I doing this to myself when CTB is clearly the superior option, eliminating all pain, past, present, future?

or

2) I have SN, so why not see what this life has to offer me for even a little bit longer: another three months, six months, a year? If worse comes to worse, I can just CTB. Might as well make the best of it.

I was really stuck in that first mindset in the two months after I received my SN but more and more, as the critical mass of motivation needed to CTB has dwindled within me due to certain suffering-alleviating life circumstances, I'm leaning towards the second.