Empty and sad wanna throw up and cry

[noname223]

I had my exams recently. I fucked it up. This semester was pretty bad. Many things triggered me I had to take so much addictive medication. The first exam was pretty good though I fucked up the second one. The stress was simply to much. My pressure crushed me. My extreme high expectations ruined it. I will have to say goodbye to my GPA 3.9. Will be a big hit for my fragile self-confidence. The most important thing would be that I passed the exams. I know I have the wrong answer on several questions. My nerves ruined it. Despite taking a whole benzo I could not manage to keep my shit together.
It is extremely important that I passed the exam. Because it is a necessity to give me a break without these addictive medication. Otherwise I have to write the exam once again at the end of the holidays which would basically ruin my plans to stop the addictive medication. If this happens then I am pretty desperate. I don't know what to do.

I am scared. Since I take my medication I cannot really cry anymore which has positive and negative effects. I should try to calm down and relax now. It is over I cannot change it anymore. I fucking hate my life.

 

[soonatpeace777888]

Your mental health is more important than your GPA.

 

[アホペンギン]

Shit, that must suck, i remember when i was stressed out during exams and i got so many questions incorrect, lol. Anyways, don't stress, please worry about your mental health over your GPA, If your GPA is over 3.5 then i think you'll do perfectly fine, i understand that it was imperative that you pass this exam or else you'd have to redo it over the summer but instead of stressing about it, just deal with it. This may sound rude for me to say but its the best advice i can give at the moment. Focus on your mental health and worry about studies later.

 

[FuneralCry]

That really does sound so exhausting, it must be dreadful having to suffer like that, existence certainly is too cruel. But anyway best wishes.

 

[noname223]

I still feel horrible. This will haunt me in my holidays even if I passed the exam. I feel so disappointed by myself. I experience extreme strong self-loathing. It is hard to cope with that. I am so angry on myself but at the same time pretty sad that I could not make a good job.
Though I have to repeat it to internalize it. All that matters is to pass the exam. My GPA is worthless probably because I cannot hold a job. Moreover such an insanely good GPA leads to problems. I am not that smart as how my GPA suggests and I think the staff in job interviews will notice that.
But even that is not important. I am pretty sure I cannot hold a job.
Though for the outside to postpone my demise it would be pretty important to have passed the exam. Honestly if I did not I will have a breakdown maybe. Not sure in which form.

All these self-hatred and self-loathing developed because my mom abused me as a child. I think I will soon visit the place where I grew up and where all the horror began. It is complicated why I am going there. But I am pretty sure that it will remind me of my nightmarish childhood. Well the time as an adult is not all that better for me.


I am so sick of all of this. I wish something or someone would kill me. I don't want to do it with my own hands but in the end this is the only option I have to escape this hell.