Embarrassment

[idhayam]

For some period of time (not sure how many years) I have severely been doubtful about who I am. My piano recital last weekend was a failure, I lost my flow and ended up stopping midway before continuing and trying to finish just to escape from the mess I was in. The piano recital was the last thing that I wanted to do before I go through with my CTB method, but the freedom I wanted to have is being pulled at how others perceived my performance - mine was the only imperfect one out of the multiple performed. The empty consolation from my mother and cousins, that "I did really well" only gave me more questions - who am I trying to appease?

But I feel like this was a punishment. A punishment for thinking that I could be better than another one of my cousins at this. I constantly have immense pressure pulling my head down, a tension that only became more painful from the mere thought of what the audience may have thought.

 

[somewhat_sorry]

I don't think anyone should feel punished for hoping or wanting something- there's nothing wrong with trying to be better than someone else just as much as there's nothing wrong with being worse than someone else at something. Neither does any harm.

I personally feel like competition drains the joy from activities that I like doing, but I understand that taking a step back from that kind of thing isn't something that everyone can or wants to do. Either way, I hope you find a way to enjoy piano, or something else in your life, even if it's just a bucket list type thing before you ctb, and I hope that if you decide to try again at another recital you do an amazing job.