Venting Either Wait a Century or Use all your money

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I decided to apply for counselling. With Canada's healthcare being free I thought it would be simple and easy but instead I am in awe and anger that I have to wait until December 2 until I receive a simple phone call that will decide something and then probably have to wait another couple of weeks or even maybe months to seek a specialist. I understand it being free is good but it is still a headache I never even had counselling in the first place so pretend if all this wait for it to be something not even for me. I checked out other ways to seek counselling but everything else is paid and expensive af which I find no point because I do not want to be a burden to my parents. I got no option but to wait, and until then I do not know how to help myself with this depression. I find it hell to communicate with friends and the thought of going back to them fills me with dread even though I know this isolation in the future is just going to be more painful than just communicating with people. I don't even want to talk to my family but they don't deserve my ghosting. Even though my siblings and parents were abusive throughout my childhood I forgive them and I don't want them to feel any pain because of me. Until then I can only do my school work and read a self help book a physician recommended to me called mind over mood by Dennis.

I should not have promised people that I would go back to them on November 30 I am not confident right now I do not want to but I do not know if that will change. I am sacrificing myself for other's but I do not care I have always had the mindset that I am expendable. If my whole life is to be an object of sacrifice to other's then I should take that realization with pride.