19-21-8-5-14-25
🗣️: "The party never ends!"
- Nov 22, 2025
- 62
The crux of the problem
I've realised what's really going on with me. I think the crux of it all is selfishness. I've had time to reflect, and I've come to realise that, ever since I was a child, all my actions, and I mean absolutely all of them, have been based on and motivated by what I get out of them.
Simplified example: Input
Output
Manifestations of the problem
Selfishness lies at the heart of all my actions, but it manifests itself in different ways. It depends very much on what is most important to me at that particular moment.
For example, as a child, it was my mother's approval, achieved, for instance, by doing well at school. If that didn't go well, I would become distraught (the root of perfectionism and depression/suicide attempts).
Often, a single manifestation of selfishness, such as wanting to do well at school, can't be attributed solely to one goal, vision or benefit. It is often a mixture of various factors. In the example, I mentioned my mother's approval, but the positive judgement of society at large also falls under the objectives of this manifestation.
What I think reinforces this are the societal narratives that lay out pre-existing frameworks, leading someone like me, who is selfish, to interpret them in harmful ways. Consider, for example, the societal narratives concerning immigrants, black people and Africans. If these are negative narratives, or if I interpret them as such, it causes the ego great distress and sets off alarm bells.
The ego's original ultimate goal
This brings me to the original ultimate goal of the ego, namely: To be viewed positively in whatever way possible. I also refer to this as "image" (optics). This is the basis of all manifestations and the guiding principle of the ego. If a phenomenon does not fulfil the ego's ultimate goal, a negative reaction ensues.
Negative reactions
Negative reactions can be minor things, such as giving up on or neglecting something or someone who actively or passively hinders the ultimate goal, however, this is a pitfall and a flaw in the ego, as this behaviour can also be the reason why the ego perceives itself as detrimental to its own ultimate goal. This gives rise to harmful, dangerous and even deadly reactions towards others and towards oneself (this is the phenomenon known as self-hatred). It is just like an ouroboros, a snake simply trying to eat its own tail.
Adopting a problem-solving approach
The ego is a force that always seeks to achieve its ultimate goal. To this end, the ego makes use of the brain. It attempts to prioritise a problem-solving approach when it relates to the ultimate goal. This, combined with self-hatred, can ultimately lead to the development of depression and also to the phenomenon known as suicidal tendencies.
For example, one of the societal narratives surrounding being a young man is physical attractiveness. The ego analyses the situation and concludes that the body it inhabits does not meet the requirements for being viewed positively in that regard. Being viewed negatively or neutrally is not acceptable to the ego, as this is not in line with its ultimate goal. Consequently, the ego identifies a problem, namely, my appearance, and attempts to resolve it. It turns out, however, that the solutions the brain proposes are impossible for the ego to achieve, such as being taller (for example, 190 cm or thereabouts), having a more masculine facial structure (jaw, eyes or cheekbones) and changing one's ethnicity (to East Asian or European, for instance). The ego goes into a frenzy and begins the self-destructive process, as it can only conclude that the body it possesses, and therefore its very life, is a hindrance to its ultimate goal. This leaves the ego with one concrete solution: The destruction of itself. (Suicidal tendencies)
Depression
Now that the ego has encountered an unsolvable problem, it is slowly but surely finding a solution to that unsolvable problem. This phenomenon manifests itself as depression. Because the ego struggles with the body's defence mechanisms (fear of death or of experiencing pain), it also begins to seek a solution to this. In short, a dilemma concocted on the spur of the moment. Either it must die, or it must be able to live in such a way that it no longer needs to be seen by people, given its ultimate goal: To be viewed positively by others in every respect.
Conclusion
This is what I've learnt over the past week. I'm now certain that everything I do stems from selfishness. Absolutely everything: enjoying helping the children, wanting a relationship, wanting to be seen as useful, trying to be passive, kind, gentle and sweet towards others, and so on. These are just a few of the many other actions driven by selfishness. It's all fake and a façade, and it hurts, but now I understand myself better.
The question now is: What should I do about this?
I've realised what's really going on with me. I think the crux of it all is selfishness. I've had time to reflect, and I've come to realise that, ever since I was a child, all my actions, and I mean absolutely all of them, have been based on and motivated by what I get out of them.
Simplified example: Input
OutputManifestations of the problem
Selfishness lies at the heart of all my actions, but it manifests itself in different ways. It depends very much on what is most important to me at that particular moment.
For example, as a child, it was my mother's approval, achieved, for instance, by doing well at school. If that didn't go well, I would become distraught (the root of perfectionism and depression/suicide attempts).
Often, a single manifestation of selfishness, such as wanting to do well at school, can't be attributed solely to one goal, vision or benefit. It is often a mixture of various factors. In the example, I mentioned my mother's approval, but the positive judgement of society at large also falls under the objectives of this manifestation.
What I think reinforces this are the societal narratives that lay out pre-existing frameworks, leading someone like me, who is selfish, to interpret them in harmful ways. Consider, for example, the societal narratives concerning immigrants, black people and Africans. If these are negative narratives, or if I interpret them as such, it causes the ego great distress and sets off alarm bells.
The ego's original ultimate goal
This brings me to the original ultimate goal of the ego, namely: To be viewed positively in whatever way possible. I also refer to this as "image" (optics). This is the basis of all manifestations and the guiding principle of the ego. If a phenomenon does not fulfil the ego's ultimate goal, a negative reaction ensues.
Negative reactions
Negative reactions can be minor things, such as giving up on or neglecting something or someone who actively or passively hinders the ultimate goal, however, this is a pitfall and a flaw in the ego, as this behaviour can also be the reason why the ego perceives itself as detrimental to its own ultimate goal. This gives rise to harmful, dangerous and even deadly reactions towards others and towards oneself (this is the phenomenon known as self-hatred). It is just like an ouroboros, a snake simply trying to eat its own tail.
Adopting a problem-solving approach
The ego is a force that always seeks to achieve its ultimate goal. To this end, the ego makes use of the brain. It attempts to prioritise a problem-solving approach when it relates to the ultimate goal. This, combined with self-hatred, can ultimately lead to the development of depression and also to the phenomenon known as suicidal tendencies.
For example, one of the societal narratives surrounding being a young man is physical attractiveness. The ego analyses the situation and concludes that the body it inhabits does not meet the requirements for being viewed positively in that regard. Being viewed negatively or neutrally is not acceptable to the ego, as this is not in line with its ultimate goal. Consequently, the ego identifies a problem, namely, my appearance, and attempts to resolve it. It turns out, however, that the solutions the brain proposes are impossible for the ego to achieve, such as being taller (for example, 190 cm or thereabouts), having a more masculine facial structure (jaw, eyes or cheekbones) and changing one's ethnicity (to East Asian or European, for instance). The ego goes into a frenzy and begins the self-destructive process, as it can only conclude that the body it possesses, and therefore its very life, is a hindrance to its ultimate goal. This leaves the ego with one concrete solution: The destruction of itself. (Suicidal tendencies)
Depression
Now that the ego has encountered an unsolvable problem, it is slowly but surely finding a solution to that unsolvable problem. This phenomenon manifests itself as depression. Because the ego struggles with the body's defence mechanisms (fear of death or of experiencing pain), it also begins to seek a solution to this. In short, a dilemma concocted on the spur of the moment. Either it must die, or it must be able to live in such a way that it no longer needs to be seen by people, given its ultimate goal: To be viewed positively by others in every respect.
Conclusion
This is what I've learnt over the past week. I'm now certain that everything I do stems from selfishness. Absolutely everything: enjoying helping the children, wanting a relationship, wanting to be seen as useful, trying to be passive, kind, gentle and sweet towards others, and so on. These are just a few of the many other actions driven by selfishness. It's all fake and a façade, and it hurts, but now I understand myself better.
The question now is: What should I do about this?
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not sure if its for the best though, it sounds like u need a vacation or some time to rest/relax
