Venting drunk

[Lavínia]

dizziness, light headedness. That's all these so-called "addictions" generate. Drinking, smoking. I didn't understand why people would get addicted to that, even when I understood and felt the nicotine working better. It's a light relaxation with dizziness. That's all. Is that enough for people to continue? To get addicted and drown in it? So sad, so simple.
I used to have an issue with empathy, a problem. I could truly understand everyone, feel and understand everyone. The victim, the aggressor, the passive. A torturer, a sadist, a shy, extroverted, depressed, ignorant. By thinking a little, trying to get into the person's mind, I could understand them, I could sympathize and even replicate what they felt. Even the most sordid, the most atrocious people, I could understand and even be like if I wanted to. However, I had to think first. It was an effort, a voluntary action. And then I realized: my empathy is not natural. I don't naturally love my mother, or anyone else. I can understand and replicate the love of a daughter for her mother. But naturally, no. It's not me. And that destroyed me. The guilt of wanting, doing, and being able to laugh at something that, according to the narrative, I should cry, destroyed any sense of logic in me. Choice, breaking a cycle, lack of purpose, conclusion.
I'm drunk now. Is this dizziness supposed to relieve? Should I feel better now? I know! I should want to feel this way more often, for self-satisfaction? Funny, funny.
I haven't felt guilty for some time now for this empathy, or lack thereof, we get used to it, accept it. It's all we can do, besides dying.