Venting drinking to cope is harm reduction to me

[hahahahhkjsk]

hi guys im sorry for the typos i drabk again ive been drinking since yesterday prerty kucb sufden yea also gemini is not rekiavle bc this is some honemade spirit drink (pálinka either apricot or plum) so the content is anywjere between 40-70% apparently becaide ot burns my mouth esophagus and stomach slightly anf is warm for several minutes its so good it hits so fucking good brah

but well! drinking makes me less suicidal! anf more hopegul! uts a temporary copong emchanism because ive been waking ip with first thought before my brain even reboots beong Man I Need To Fuvking Die basicalky as soon as i open my eyes im immediately flooded with suicudal tjoughts and today my second comprehensivle thought was basically very vivid idea about an actually executable PSH in the comfort of my room!!!!! im fuvking cooked if i open my eyes and second thought i have upon waki g ip is literally a whole METHOD on how to ctb!!! but drinking reduces it!!! i feel great! and i feel hopegul anf i can actually do things and be honedg and have my inhibition lwoered which means my shame and potential ocd (after gruelling realisations and a lifetime of surpressing my thought i thibk theres a possibility that moral scrupulodity and phiolosophical / existential ocd is ehat has been ruining my life and enabling my potentual undiagnosed bpd) are Queit for once!!!! i know i know fucking atrocious idra but it actually makes me feel ok for fucking once. i feek atcualy hopeful and ive been able to get into a very pleasant headsoace of wanting to Live and work on myself thanks to the alchool.
NOT WNDORSEMENT sicne i still live w my psrents im afult age but graduated high school alr its just my sucky wucky matura finals left anf im going to uni nahhh im getting a fucking job whetever i can and mobing out of this open prison hell, im basically stealing my dads alcohol from the garage theres so many bottles and he doesnt give a fuck bro this bottle is literally just without any label just glass and transparent liquid with a mydteriozs % alcohol level BUT THIS IS GOOD TO ME i dont care if im drunk or tipsy all day long AS LONG AS I DONT THINK ABOUT CTB!!!!!!!!!!!!!
so i think i might be able to actually get myself to recover if i just keeo this pleasant state going While not negkecting the rest of my life. my parents dont notice at all when i drink i think because if they would have noticed. they would have commented on it LOL anyways i think theres hope for me. hoepgully. because i already tested the logistics of my PSH method out and yea basically it works so death is like one step away but im drunk = i feel so lovepilled i want to live i will jot make an impulse attempt udner the influence why would i when it makes me feel so hopeful and excited to live like that patrick drooling in oaradise gif thanks for reading mwah

 

[Mio_Kamimachi]

enjoy the quiet brain while it lasts. i sometimes do the same with otc meds and drugs. the alcohol drowns out that loud noise and finally makes the shame and pain temporarily stop. i get it but just be careful. alcohol stops being a pause button and turns into a cage pretty fast. eventually the bottle stops working and you just end up trapped in a completely different way. drink some water before you pass out so you do not wake up feeling like actual death. alcohol never made anything better in the long run. for me alcohol / drugs feel similar to self harm. a cut stops my brain from losing it temporarily but cutting around on myself never changed anything for the better in the long run. the opposite is true.

 

[Phobia_DLW]

Personally, towards the end of my drinking, the CTB urge becomes very strong, do you feel the same?

 

[hahahahhkjsk]

Personally, towards the end of my drinking, the CTB urge becomes very strong, do you feel the same?

so far no, i just feel a pleasant buzz. probably because it just turns my brain off and makes everything feel light and funny with the accompanying physical symptoms of impaired or slow thinking, dizziness, drunken movements. the most impulsive thing i have done while being under the influence was really just deciding to do the dishes and wondering why i couldn't hold the plates straight and i ended up lying on the kitchen floor for an hour or so. the moment however i might start to get bad thoughts when i drink, im putting the bottle down for good.

honestly, every time i have drank, it was just so good. i have never been hungover either, even when i smashed a whole bottle of chocolate liquor (ok for the bottle's credit it's a pretty low content but i was still drunk for the whole night) during a class trip, i went to bed at 23:30 and i was up by 7 in the morning and i felt wonderful LOL immediately just went outside to read in the morning sunlight. maybe i'm lucky when it comes to alcohol, obviously with one or two exceptions both my paternal and maternal family line has had an issue with drinking (my mother doesn't drink, my father only casually and usually before dinner and after that he's out asleep, has never been drunk or tipsy and the alcohol has never influenced his behaviour, he's just stubborn and misplaces plates at worst), but since i know alcoholism and smoking runs in my family like blood i have to be careful.

another anecdote, yes one time, no, twice, different school years though, i drank in school. same spirit drink if i remember correctly, at least similar in type. first occasion, i drank at 7am LOL in the park near the school like a dummy, nothing out of the ordinary, same lovepilled feeling, then right before my English civilization (UK and US civilization in English) test i gulped the rest of the small hydroflask's content down and SMASHED my geography test and named all the states perfectly that i crammed in at 7am. the class after that was a bit awkward because i was dizzy and couldn't focus really not a surprise, class with the teacher who is still my Favourite Person, and on the way out i walked straight into the doorframe and she was so worried that i looked flushed and maybe ill no miss it was the alcohol.

the second time, monday morning during my first two classes which were math and i hated it at the time. actually ended up liking the topic despite being drunk through the introduction class. i slept all the way through my third, not math class because the teacher just let me. rest of the day was only emotionally taxing because of non-alcohol related emotional issues.

i dont drink often but when i do, i just do. usually no reason for it, just want to taste alcohol again. i really hope this pleasantness ends up being true for the rest of my experiences LOL. can't imagine drinking at a bar though, or around people who don't know me very well.

 

[E4syW3y0u7]

I try to drink as much as i can no matter what is is as long as i can get drunk those days, i binge drink everything to try to pass out or put my brain on pause so i can stop feeling everything.

It used to be a fun time to drink before, made me less shy and euphoric, it was synonym with happiness.

Now it's only a mean to cope with the wait and silence the thoughts, i feel reckless when i drink enough, more crazy, but it alleviate the pain...or not.

Palinka is good stuff though at the end of goulash or with Langos, tasty.