Baka
New Member
- Aug 14, 2026
- 3
The username when I was a child I went with was baka4life. I'm a 19 year old girl here in the US. I love animanga, art, and fashion. I once did. I draw because it's all i know, for the praise, but I'm only decent at it. I'm not sure if this intro is necessary.. I plan to die today. If all goes well.
I remember the first time I attempted, I was 17 and dumb. I downed a bunch of pills without knowledge of what could actually kill me. I puked and fell sick for over a week. No one knew. The second time, I tied a noose. I'm 19. It broke off. I starved and didn't drink anything for about 5 days. Mourning the life that still is here. Everytime someone from my family asked me what's wrong, all I could do was cry. It was a constant reminder I failed.
Im not quite sure what to do. If I could sleep and never wake up again, I would immediately. I hate pain. And this painful life of mine is too hard to bear. I lack the courage to go through with anything though. I lack the courage to do everything. I despise looking at myself in the mirror now, seeing my body, hearing my voice. I envy the old me. The me from 3 years ago, when I didn't struggle to eat. When I had no worries about my appearance or body. I know there's something deeply wrong with me. Talking about the past is the one thing I can't bear. Talks about the future arent much better. I was in honors, taking AP classes, and now im a dropout. I couldn't even keep my job though. I flew to another state with the intent of ending it, only for that to not go well. I thought, maybe for my friends? But my friend when I had disappeared for so long thought I was dead. The way she said it was so nonchalantly though. When I told her it hurt, "I have my own things im going through." I know we're all struggling, but to know my death wouldn't impact anyone hurts. I miss the old me. I had people who cared, I was nice, I could genuinely care for people. I know if I were to die, the grievance over me wouldn't be for long. Even the friends I hold dear now, I know don't think much of me. I feel truly alone, truly trapped. The only thing I'm semi decent at is my art. Even if I'm forgotten, would the works I created be remembered?
I remember the first time I attempted, I was 17 and dumb. I downed a bunch of pills without knowledge of what could actually kill me. I puked and fell sick for over a week. No one knew. The second time, I tied a noose. I'm 19. It broke off. I starved and didn't drink anything for about 5 days. Mourning the life that still is here. Everytime someone from my family asked me what's wrong, all I could do was cry. It was a constant reminder I failed.
Im not quite sure what to do. If I could sleep and never wake up again, I would immediately. I hate pain. And this painful life of mine is too hard to bear. I lack the courage to go through with anything though. I lack the courage to do everything. I despise looking at myself in the mirror now, seeing my body, hearing my voice. I envy the old me. The me from 3 years ago, when I didn't struggle to eat. When I had no worries about my appearance or body. I know there's something deeply wrong with me. Talking about the past is the one thing I can't bear. Talks about the future arent much better. I was in honors, taking AP classes, and now im a dropout. I couldn't even keep my job though. I flew to another state with the intent of ending it, only for that to not go well. I thought, maybe for my friends? But my friend when I had disappeared for so long thought I was dead. The way she said it was so nonchalantly though. When I told her it hurt, "I have my own things im going through." I know we're all struggling, but to know my death wouldn't impact anyone hurts. I miss the old me. I had people who cared, I was nice, I could genuinely care for people. I know if I were to die, the grievance over me wouldn't be for long. Even the friends I hold dear now, I know don't think much of me. I feel truly alone, truly trapped. The only thing I'm semi decent at is my art. Even if I'm forgotten, would the works I created be remembered?
