Dreadful daze

[M&M]

I'm not sure how this works and maybe I just need to vent. Over the years I have tried countless times to overcome this…so called disease I have but I no longer think it's a disease and it just part of my core personality. I can remember being 5 and thinking what the hell's the point of all this? Watching my dad work himself into the ground and reach a point that he decided he no longer wanted to live like that has only made it worse.

My children are grown, grandkids will be taken are of. I am alone all the time and have strained relationships with those I do love. Not from anything bad, I'm just not good at keeping in touch and in the last few years it's become apparent the only time anyone wants me around is when its convenient for them. I have no prospects for a better future, tried to recover some kind of life after losing everything four years ago and am in so much pain I can't think straight most days. While I know loneliness and depression are a factor, it's not my overall reason for coming to a conclusion. I can't find a logical reason on my own behalf to justify breathing.

If I believed there was anything else I could try, I might – But if the last several attempts to ask for help failed, (Literally went to hospital for a nervous breakdown because I was suicidal and homicidal) I see no reason to try again. They sent me home. Being in a psych ward is a band aid result anyway, but having doctors tell you it's not important enough to get you in somewhere is an entirely different story. All I'm trying to do now is get past a date that will allow me to find a cheap motel I can rent for a few days so no one in my family finds the body and I can give anyone else a heads up so they aren't traumatized. I've said it before but, fuck if I don't feel like I can make it another couple of weeks. I'm so tired…

 

[FuneralCry]

Your feelings of wishing to be free from it all are understandable. I get that it can be so dreadful having to continue this existence when all that you want is to be gone. I personally see no point and purpose to suffering endlessly day after day. It does sound like you have been through a lot and of course it sounds very tiring. I hope that you find the freedom that you are looking for.