Jealous Blackheart
A Well Read Demon
- Aug 25, 2023
- 163
Lately there have been a few posts by people who acquired their method and once they did they began to doubt their planning and decision. And that doubt seemed to bring a wave of confusion at their thoughts, feelings, and actions (or lack thereof). It's been on my mind so I wanted to share some thoughts and opinions on it based on my own experience.
Some background. I'm a mid to late twenty-something who has been suicidal for most of their life. A few failed attempts and hospitalization starting in my mid teens. I've also spent a lot of time alone without distraction so I've had a lot of time to think. The method I tried in my mid teens was supposed to be a sure thing in my mind but I didn't have access to accurate information back then. When that didn't work I really didn't have anything left. I was just here because I was trapped and didn't have a way out. It's worth mentioning that before my last attempt I did a life purge. I got rid of many of my belongings, deleted the software I used and the music I had, etc.
When it comes to existential curiosity and purpose, I'm not going to try to answer those questions. The process of trying to find the answer is often legitimately more valuable than the answer anyway. What I think might be worth sharing is what parts of those experiences were like.
Perspective. "You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness."
This is the first big thing that happens when your flirtation with death evolves into courtship. When you're familiar with Life, and Death is this faraway thing, it is mysterious and exotic. You know all of the faults and shortcomings of Life. All of its bad habits. All of the ways it has let you down and hurt you. But Death is this beautiful stranger. Everything Life isn't. It's everything you desire. Everything you cannot have. Freedom from your pain and suffering. Peace. Oblivion. Being suicidal is like having a secret dark crush. You think about it all day. Dream about it. Long for it constantly. Death is so seductive. But it's always exciting to flirt, isn't it? The uncertainty of it all. The butterflies. The possibilities.
If you are even remotely existential you will find yourself here. In suicidal ideation. You will think about Death and what it means to die and whether or not it is even worth living. And I think the cultural stigma against suicide robs people of this flirtation. Makes them feel like this isn't normal when it very much is. As a consequence, like bad sex ed scaring those who don't know any better into thinking that if you so much as kiss someone you will get pregnant, you have a lot of people thinking they must walk down the aisle and meet Death at the altar just because they've thought about him one too many times. That's not true. Death is a beautiful stranger. And it's okay to want to get to know him. It's okay to not want to marry him when you do.
Once you've gathered your material, once you've knocked on his door and find yourself nervous on void's doorstep, you might change your mind. Your might think about Life waiting for you. And despite all your squabbles and all the things it did wrong to you, that there were good times too. And you miss it. And you want to go back. Because when your flirtation turned into courtship you realized Death, in all his beauty, isn't perfect either. He is demanding. Controlling. Permanent. He asks you to sacrifice everything you've ever known for him and him alone. He will wait for you. But he won't share you. Not with anything. Not Joy or Sorrow. Not Excitement or Pain. And never Life.
And now you have perspective. The birthplace of doubt.
Choice. "It's only after you've lost everything that you're free to do anything."
Revenge bedtime procrastination. A very amusing phenomenon, conscious or otherwise, where people choose to stay up late at night instead of resting, even if they're exhausted, to have some control of their time and leisure because of how little they have in their daytime schedules. Living life with no choice is painful. Working constantly to barely survive. Controlling parents even into adulthood. Whether the reasons are economic, social, physical, or other, it's painful. If you find that you've been suffering, and after meticulously planning your exit you hesitate at the door and find you're not suffering quite as much anymore, congratulations, you just found freedom. The self ownership, the level of control you have over your own life in that moment is enough to make life better. Death is just a vehicle to self ownership. It doesn't mean you need to die. You don't have to go through with it just because. Sometimes it's enough to metaphorically keep it in your back pocket and know that you can if you thought you really needed to. Because no matter what, from that point on, you always have a choice.
There was more I think I wanted to say but this is long enough as it is. Living while suicidal for >15 years means I just have a lot in my head that makes it easy to relate to what I see on here. Anyway, this is for the people who start doubting once they get near the end. Death is very patient. Life is not. If this makes sense to even one person then it was worth typing. If you read it all you should have a cookie.
P.s I thought about putting this in recovery but I'm undoubtedly going to ctb so I stay away from that forum in general so as not to affect anyone negatively.
Some background. I'm a mid to late twenty-something who has been suicidal for most of their life. A few failed attempts and hospitalization starting in my mid teens. I've also spent a lot of time alone without distraction so I've had a lot of time to think. The method I tried in my mid teens was supposed to be a sure thing in my mind but I didn't have access to accurate information back then. When that didn't work I really didn't have anything left. I was just here because I was trapped and didn't have a way out. It's worth mentioning that before my last attempt I did a life purge. I got rid of many of my belongings, deleted the software I used and the music I had, etc.
When it comes to existential curiosity and purpose, I'm not going to try to answer those questions. The process of trying to find the answer is often legitimately more valuable than the answer anyway. What I think might be worth sharing is what parts of those experiences were like.
Perspective. "You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness."
This is the first big thing that happens when your flirtation with death evolves into courtship. When you're familiar with Life, and Death is this faraway thing, it is mysterious and exotic. You know all of the faults and shortcomings of Life. All of its bad habits. All of the ways it has let you down and hurt you. But Death is this beautiful stranger. Everything Life isn't. It's everything you desire. Everything you cannot have. Freedom from your pain and suffering. Peace. Oblivion. Being suicidal is like having a secret dark crush. You think about it all day. Dream about it. Long for it constantly. Death is so seductive. But it's always exciting to flirt, isn't it? The uncertainty of it all. The butterflies. The possibilities.
If you are even remotely existential you will find yourself here. In suicidal ideation. You will think about Death and what it means to die and whether or not it is even worth living. And I think the cultural stigma against suicide robs people of this flirtation. Makes them feel like this isn't normal when it very much is. As a consequence, like bad sex ed scaring those who don't know any better into thinking that if you so much as kiss someone you will get pregnant, you have a lot of people thinking they must walk down the aisle and meet Death at the altar just because they've thought about him one too many times. That's not true. Death is a beautiful stranger. And it's okay to want to get to know him. It's okay to not want to marry him when you do.
Once you've gathered your material, once you've knocked on his door and find yourself nervous on void's doorstep, you might change your mind. Your might think about Life waiting for you. And despite all your squabbles and all the things it did wrong to you, that there were good times too. And you miss it. And you want to go back. Because when your flirtation turned into courtship you realized Death, in all his beauty, isn't perfect either. He is demanding. Controlling. Permanent. He asks you to sacrifice everything you've ever known for him and him alone. He will wait for you. But he won't share you. Not with anything. Not Joy or Sorrow. Not Excitement or Pain. And never Life.
And now you have perspective. The birthplace of doubt.
Choice. "It's only after you've lost everything that you're free to do anything."
Revenge bedtime procrastination. A very amusing phenomenon, conscious or otherwise, where people choose to stay up late at night instead of resting, even if they're exhausted, to have some control of their time and leisure because of how little they have in their daytime schedules. Living life with no choice is painful. Working constantly to barely survive. Controlling parents even into adulthood. Whether the reasons are economic, social, physical, or other, it's painful. If you find that you've been suffering, and after meticulously planning your exit you hesitate at the door and find you're not suffering quite as much anymore, congratulations, you just found freedom. The self ownership, the level of control you have over your own life in that moment is enough to make life better. Death is just a vehicle to self ownership. It doesn't mean you need to die. You don't have to go through with it just because. Sometimes it's enough to metaphorically keep it in your back pocket and know that you can if you thought you really needed to. Because no matter what, from that point on, you always have a choice.
There was more I think I wanted to say but this is long enough as it is. Living while suicidal for >15 years means I just have a lot in my head that makes it easy to relate to what I see on here. Anyway, this is for the people who start doubting once they get near the end. Death is very patient. Life is not. If this makes sense to even one person then it was worth typing. If you read it all you should have a cookie.
P.s I thought about putting this in recovery but I'm undoubtedly going to ctb so I stay away from that forum in general so as not to affect anyone negatively.
