I've been thinking of CTB for like 2 months now. I know it has been 2 months cuz the first time I felt this way was when my husband choked me saying he wish he could kill me. I've got too much baggage. My husband is loving and caring, he has been my biggest support system and he is the reason why I wanted to keep living all this time. He says awful stuff that are attacks to my self esteem, and he has apologized. I've always struggled to feel enough for someone, and last time we fought, 2 months ago he broke down and told me that he wouldn't be where he is in his life without me and he has no idea why he would say such vile things. I like to believe that's the truth, and every little win we have together and alone I would like to feel like I had an impact on it. But during the years being together married included, I've been trying to let go of the baggage. I'm an engineering graduate with no job, I'm not stupid either. Last time I had thoughts of CTB to severe extent was when my therapist told me my husband would be happier or more successful with a "healthier" woman. Maybe she is right regardless of how unethical it is.
I always focused on the tiny wins, I know they lead up to big wins. But right now, I don't think any win is worth the pain I go through. Maybe I'll go through with it after all.
I always focused on the tiny wins, I know they lead up to big wins. But right now, I don't think any win is worth the pain I go through. Maybe I'll go through with it after all.
