Done. Want to CTB right now

[justanotherstar]

I hate myself so much right now. If ever there was a time I had the courage to CTB in an impulsive but probably painful way it would be now. It's all too much, the world expects more of me than I can offer. I'm a toxic waste and have been since the day I was born, the fact I further fucked up my life at every opportunity since is just salt in the wound. It's like I'm facing everything I've ever hated about myself and suffocating in all my wrongdoings. There is no hope, there is no peace, it's just a sick joke when you're at the end of your tether and the only true way out is to suffer. To suffer, is nothing less than I deserve right now. I'm a burden to my family and friends and a complete drain on the NHS. No amount of help is enough, I'm too far gone. People should let me walk away and rot in my own little hell. I'm not for this world and my punishment is that I cannot leave it easily. I made promises to keep, a plan to CTB with SN (if I can actually pull it off) or hanging myself if not, I have things I need to put in place, I promised I would give my family one last happy Christmas, I can't even look them in the face. But god damn I just want a way out right this second. I'm sitting on my hands trying to make them go numb so I can't reach for anything I can find around me. I'm staring into the abyss and it's showing me who I really am. Ugly. The voices whisper and then they scream. Somethings fucking wrong with me.

 

[laeloth]

I'm sorry, friend. I understand that feeling

 

[Wakawaka]

im sorry you're going through this

 

[whywere]

I am so sad and sorry that you feel this way. It makes my heart break for you. I have been there also, and I tried my darnest to think of something fun. Please remember that you have your entire global family here taht loves, cares and has lots of empathy, kindness and support for you. I send you all the love and sunshine and sunny days that I have to you!!!!!!! Walter

 

[Sherri]

I'm sorry you going through that, please you're a beautiful soul, don't consider you a waste or burden. Don't be so hard to yourself. Your a human being like the rest of us just broken inside . Just make sure that is really what you wanna do hun okay? I'd you decide to cool off a bit get your mind in a better frame of mind it could help sometimes, if you must go then i wish you find peace and rest. Sorry this world is cruel for people like us. My Pm is open if you need someone to talk ok? You're not alone. We're are here for you. Hugs hun

 

[justanotherstar]

I am so sad and sorry that you feel this way. It makes my heart break for you. I have been there also, and I tried my darnest to think of something fun. Please remember that you have your entire global family here taht loves, cares and has lots of empathy, kindness and support for you. I send you all the love and sunshine and sunny days that I have to you!!!!!!! Walter

Thank you for saying what I didn't know I needed to hear

I'm sorry you going through that, please you're a beautiful soul, don't consider you a waste or burden. Don't be so hard to yourself. Your a human being like the rest of us just broken inside . Just make sure that is really what you wanna do hun okay? I'd you decide to cool off a bit get your mind in a better frame of mind it could help sometimes, if you must go then i wish you find peace and rest. Sorry this world is cruel for people like us. My Pm is open if you need someone to talk ok? You're not alone. We're are here for you. Hugs hun

Thank you for your beautiful words, you are a kind being. I think you're right about cooling off, rash decisions never end well for me I'm just desperate to stop the pain. Thank you for being here

 

[Sherri]

Thank you for saying what I didn't know I needed to hear

Thank you for your beautiful words, you are a kind being. I think you're right about cooling off, rash decisions never end well for me I'm just desperate to stop the pain. Thank you for being here

Don't thank me, thank yourself, cool down and then see your options, If after that you still decide to go Its ok too. . Sometimes doing things on Impulse get us nowhere, sending you a hug, Lemme know how things worked out for you or not. I know little about NHS. But they don't seem a good health center when it comes to hep someone. Hugs back at you beautiful soul.

 

[whywere]

Don't thank me, thank yourself, cool down and then see your options, If after that you still decide to go Its ok too. . Sometimes doing things on Impulse get us nowhere, sending you a hug, Lemme know how things worked out for you or not. I know little about NHS. But they don't seem a good health center when it comes to hep someone. Hugs back at you beautiful soul.

I am sorry for jumping in, but @Sherri you are such a nice person also! You and @justanotherstar are both great loving and caring people. I am so happy that I can be part of the global family here with folks as caring and nice as you two! THANK YOU to the both of you!!!! Walter

 

[Gromit-CTB]

@Sherri is a wonderful soul and if not being to much for her I recommend a PM to her. You have followed me and my story and I wish I could give more advice. Am sorry you feel this way as I am crushed like you. This world is not for people like us. Sadly we end up here and forced to look for ways to end the pain. All I will say is its not you it's the world that's wrong. Sending peace and virtual covid free hug

 

[justanotherstar]

Thanks Gromit. This world certainly is wrong. We deserved better

 

[Spitfire]

I hate myself so much right now. If ever there was a time I had the courage to CTB in an impulsive but probably painful way it would be now. It's all too much, the world expects more of me than I can offer. I'm a toxic waste and have been since the day I was born, the fact I further fucked up my life at every opportunity since is just salt in the wound. It's like I'm facing everything I've ever hated about myself and suffocating in all my wrongdoings. There is no hope, there is no peace, it's just a sick joke when you're at the end of your tether and the only true way out is to suffer. To suffer, is nothing less than I deserve right now. I'm a burden to my family and friends and a complete drain on the NHS. No amount of help is enough, I'm too far gone. People should let me walk away and rot in my own little hell. I'm not for this world and my punishment is that I cannot leave it easily. I made promises to keep, a plan to CTB with SN (if I can actually pull it off) or hanging myself if not, I have things I need to put in place, I promised I would give my family one last happy Christmas, I can't even look them in the face. But god damn I just want a way out right this second. I'm sitting on my hands trying to make them go numb so I can't reach for anything I can find around me. I'm staring into the abyss and it's showing me who I really am. Ugly. The voices whisper and then they scream. Somethings fucking wrong with me.

It sounds like you are being very hard on yourself right now. I hope you can find a way to ease the pain in your mind about the things that are bothering you, at least a little bit.

I like reading your posts and you do not sound ugly to me. I think it is nice you are thinking of your family even though you are having such a tough time.

 

[justanotherstar]

It sounds like you are being very hard on yourself right now. I hope you can find a way to ease the pain in your mind about the things that are bothering you, at least a little bit.

I like reading your posts and you do not sound ugly to me. I think it is nice you are thinking of your family even though you are having such a tough time.

Thank you for your kind words Spitfire, i think I'm pro at being hard on myself, I've come down a little bit now, despair was not a nice place to occupy. I appreciate the nice things you've said about me
Okay so I've come down enough to know that CTB tonight or in a way that goes against my plan is not the way to go. Doesn't take away the self hatred and pain but having you guys here sure has helped me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. You saved a donkey on the edge from an impulsive attempt tonight

 

[Spitfire]

Thank you for your kind words Spitfire, i think I'm pro at being hard on myself, I've come down a little bit now, despair was not a nice place to occupy. I appreciate the nice things you've said about me
Okay so I've come down enough to know that CTB tonight or in a way that goes against my plan is not the way to go. Doesn't take away the self hatred and pain but having you guys here sure has helped me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. You saved a donkey on the edge from an impulsive attempt tonight

"Okay so I've come down enough to know that CTB tonight or in a way that goes against my plan is not the way to go"

I like this thought. It is how I think about it now too.

I had an impulsive moment a little while back and there was people here and they helped me when I needed it. It was out of character for me. Nothing good would have come from it had I kept on, and it would have probably made things worse.

I am 15 hours away from it right now.. where my plan is going to take place. When it is my time, I will begin the drive to my final destination.

 

[justanotherstar]

"Okay so I've come down enough to know that CTB tonight or in a way that goes against my plan is not the way to go"

I like this thought. It is how I think about it now too.

I had an impulsive moment a little while back and there was people here and they helped me when I needed it. It was out of character for me. Nothing good would have come from it had I kept on, and it would have probably made things worse.

I am 15 hours away from it right now.. where my plan is going to take place. When it is my time, I will begin the drive to my final destination.

Yeah there is nothing good that comes from impulse decisions for me either. Like you it's very out of character for me, I'm very thoughtful and have a need to make sure things are done in a ethical (laughable I know) way and with as much consideration as possible.
You are such an kind soul Spitfire, how are you feeling on your final countdown? You will be missed but understand it's your time