Life: you can’t fire me, I quit.
- Nov 23, 2020
I hate myself so much right now. If ever there was a time I had the courage to CTB in an impulsive but probably painful way it would be now. It’s all too much, the world expects more of me than I can offer. I’m a toxic waste and have been since the day I was born, the fact I further fucked up my life at every opportunity since is just salt in the wound. It’s like I’m facing everything I’ve ever hated about myself and suffocating in all my wrongdoings. There is no hope, there is no peace, it’s just a sick joke when you’re at the end of your tether and the only true way out is to suffer. To suffer, is nothing less than I deserve right now. I’m a burden to my family and friends and a complete drain on the NHS. No amount of help is enough, I’m too far gone. People should let me walk away and rot in my own little hell. I’m not for this world and my punishment is that I cannot leave it easily. I made promises to keep, a plan to CTB with SN (if I can actually pull it off) or hanging myself if not, I have things I need to put in place, I promised I would give my family one last happy Christmas, I can’t even look them in the face. But god damn I just want a way out right this second. I’m sitting on my hands trying to make them go numb so I can’t reach for anything I can find around me. I’m staring into the abyss and it’s showing me who I really am. Ugly. The voices whisper and then they scream. Somethings fucking wrong with me.