Doing unforgivable to stop SI

[lostintheloop]

"Just"

Please, if you're for real, pick up your phone and dial 999. Or ask your parents to ring.

I don't have it planned out yet so they wouldn't do anything. Just send me home with a leaflet of crisis numbers. I have spoken to psych liaison (a&e mental health team) enough times to know that, trust me. Which is good as I can't have people getting in my way as I restore order. But no point wasting their time.

 

[Ash]

Ok, ring 999 and ask for the police. Tell them that you're planning to hurt members of the public.

You're going to hurt innocent people for absolutely no reason.

Copy and paste your posts on here, print them off or save them on your phone, ring the police, and take them with you. The police will take it seriously.

Please. I'm asking on behalf of which ever innocent person or people gets hurt. You might not be able to care. But I do. Please don't let this happen.

 

[lostintheloop]

Ok, ring 999 and ask for the police. Tell them that you're planning to hurt members of the public.

You're going to hurt innocent people for absolutely no reason.

Copy and paste your posts on here, print them off or save them on your phone, ring the police, and take them with you. The police will take it seriously.

Please. I'm asking on behalf of which ever innocent person or people gets hurt. You might not be able to care. But I do. Please don't let this happen.

But I'm not planning. I've just had thoughts about it. I don't know who/what/when/where or even if yet. If I do, it won't be for no reason either as it could stop many terrible things happening to others and reduce suffering.
If I ring 999 to say 'oh one day I might hurt someone, idk how or when' they'll just laugh. It's not an emergency. Plenty of people have thoughts of harming others, it's not a crime or medical emergency.

Even so all they could do is take me to a&e then it's out of their hands

 

[Dot]

Consent? Sounds like buzz killer

Idk what you are up to but,

I can tell you that harming other ppl can be..... pleasurable, addictive and will give you sick maddening ecstasy. Like there is this possibility in human soul to feed on suffering and get pleasure from torturing others.

It's like a drug and like every drug take its toll. There is so much potential for the evil.

By harming others you are harming really yourself. You're destroying yourself. It takes a lot of suffering to perceive this truth and you will be on that path one day. Can't you see that you are on that path of suffering right now?

Once you cross a certain line there is no way coming back. CTB will be your smallest concern.

Yh pls fl free *nt* t/ cme off lke a sciopath

 

[Ash]

Planning to hurt people is a crime and I reckon there's enough here to show intent or at least get an investigation going, and use that to persuade the mental health team to take another look. As for timeline, isn't your most recent deadline within the next month? So it's not vague despite your attempts to backtrack.

And I'm appealing to you now - and will continue to do so - while you're still rational.

 

[Dot]

If I do, it won't be for no reason either as it could stop many terrible things happening to others and reduce suffering.

Ds nt mattr - hurtng othr ppl = wrng & tht = nt ur chce t/ mke

 

[lostintheloop]

Ds nt mattr - hurtng othr ppl = wrng & tht = nt ur chce t/ mke

May be wrong but if it helps more people in long run it could be argued is somewhat justifiable

Planning to hurt people is a crime and I reckon there's enough here to show intent or at least get an investigation going, and use that to persuade the mental health team to take another look. As for timeline, isn't your most recent deadline within the next month? So it's not vague despite your attempts to backtrack.

And I'm appealing to you now - and will continue to do so - while you're still rational.

never said I'm planning that and I'm not so no crime

 

[Forever Sleep]

May be wrong but if it helps more people in long run it could be argued is somewhat justifiable


never said I'm planning that and I'm not so no crime

How is it going to help people in the long run? Sorry- I don't understand.

 

[hellworldprincess]

Idk what you are up to but,

I can tell you that harming other ppl can be..... pleasurable, addictive and will give you sick maddening ecstasy. Like there is this possibility in human soul to feed on suffering and get pleasure from torturing others.

It's like a drug and like every drug take its toll. There is so much potential for the evil.

By harming others you are harming really yourself. You're destroying yourself. It takes a lot of suffering to perceive this truth and you will be on that path one day. Can't you see that you are on that path of suffering right now?

Once you cross a certain line there is no way coming back. CTB will be your smallest concern.

Consent? Sounds like buzz killer

Whatever ominous shit you're referring to right here, could you please just not? I know you think you seem cool or interesting, but being reminded of people like you existing makes me sick.
Of all the people on this website you actually SHOULD fucking do it right now and spare us your American Psycho ass ramblings.

 

[lostintheloop]

How is it going to help people in the long run? Sorry- I don't understand.

I am thoroughly confused too. I have my own subplot of intrigue that is running along this thread. Are we playing 6d chess, or are we all having a paranoid episode?

Because the fact that I'm still alive is a glitch in the system. That glitch has consequences - others die in my place and has a domino effect. I've managed to protect most people so far by following certain rules that I'm given (e.g no contact with my friends so that they're safe, self-harm, special codes and many other rules). But broke some and bad things did happen to others. So if I don't do what I'm told by those in control via voices and messages, then everyone i care about will die by illness or accident and I will be made to hurt more strangers too.
But If i do what they say and do 1 act then ctb, everyone will be saved . And order will be restored in the system. I know it's all my fault and I'm a terrible person. But all I can do now is damage control and save as many as possible.

 

[Ihoujin]

people like you existing makes me sick.

Offense non taken. I'm just brutally honest. I didn't hurt anyone that much. I only tell that there is this possibility to be so evil. I refer to the Jungian psychology in a way. You accept it or ignore it, it's your choice.

 

[Ash]

May be wrong but if it helps more people in long run it could be argued is somewhat justifiable


never said I'm planning that and I'm not so no crime

You're contradicting yourself in this very post. Maybe I'm wrong about how rational you actually are at present.

 

[rozeske]

Your threads just keep getting dark and darker it kinda scares me where you are headed into. You have shown no interest in listening to others advices and pleadings except the voices in your head. I just say lord be with your loved ones or the not so loved ones around you.

 

[Apathy79]

Because the fact that I'm still alive is a glitch in the system. That glitch has consequences - others die in my place and has a domino effect. I've managed to protect most people so far by following certain rules that I'm given (e.g no contact with my friends so that they're safe, self-harm, special codes and many other rules). But broke some and bad things did happen to others. So if I don't do what I'm told by those in control via voices and messages, then everyone i care about will die by illness or accident and I will be made to hurt more strangers too.
But If i do what they say and do 1 act then ctb, everyone will be saved . And order will be restored in the system. I know it's all my fault and I'm a terrible person. But all I can do now is damage control and save as many as possible.

There's demonic reasoning going on here. Luciferic distortion. The goal isn't one act then ctb. It's one act. Then ctb still won't happen. So another act. And it escalates. You identify as a person who does these acts. So many mass killers start out here. Key is identifying it early and stopping it before it starts.

 

[lostintheloop]

You're contradicting yourself in this very post. Maybe I'm wrong about how rational you actually are at present.

I'm not . I'm having thoughts about those things, no definite plans . There's a huge difference. Thinking about doing something is not the same as putting a plan into place.

Your threads just keep getting dark and darker it kinda scares me where you are headed into. You have shown no interest in listening to others advices and pleadings except the voices in your head. I just say lord be with your loved ones or the not so loved ones around you.

I have listened . I did what people suggested - I was honest with the nurse and then I went to EIP assessment and was honest with them.

There's demonic reasoning going on here. Luciferic distortion. The goal isn't one act then ctb. It's one act. Then ctb still won't happen. So another act. And it escalates. You identify as a person who does these acts. So many mass killers start out here. Key is identifying it early and stopping it before it starts.

The end goal and my only goal is ctb. The other acts are because of those in control and trying to get to that end goal. It is not my goal to harm anyone

 

[Apathy79]

If the goal is ctb, ctb. You don't need this.

What these voices are telling you is one act of violence will push you over. But don't make it too bad. Enough to push you over the edge. This has been played out many times before. What happens is it's not enough to push you over the edge. You still can't overcome SI. So you need to do another act. Worse this time. But still within limits. So you do it. When you still can't ctb, it escalates further. You hear this all the time in mass killer interviews. It's the same story.

The fallacy is that any of it is needed or in any way useful to help ctb. The goal of the voices is demonic - violence, harm. Use his "ctb" goal and distort it to that end.

 

[Esokabat]

Sorry but there's no way I could personally condone hurting others. Unless in extreme circumstances- self defence or, I could understand a knee jerk reaction to witnessing someone doing something awful I guess.

Please bear in mind though that, whoever you target could well be quite innocent. How would it feel if some random stranger just randomly attacked one of your family members because they felt compelled to do so? Voices told them to do so or whatever?

If I'm really honest, your posts do frighten me because I wonder just what you are considering. Plus, selfishly, I'm in the UK- as I believe you are. Honestly, it frightens me that some individuals out there are plotting to do harm to people I might know and care about. Unlikely of course but, you never know. Whoever you target and however badly you 'hurt' them, you could have a very profound affect on their lives and the lives of the people who care about them. Honestly, it doesn't seem justified to me- just so you'll find it easier to CTB.

Sorry to sound so harsh. I do have sympathy for how you must be feeling to contemplate this but truthfully, I'm begging you to reconsider involving other people.

The UK mental health care is also quite frightening, reading these threads

 

[Ash]

The UK mental health care is also quite frightening, reading these threads

It's in a terrible state, especially when people backtrack, change their story or don't tell the whole story, look for ways to appear better and leave a trail of inconsistencies that will definitely get missed by frazzled teams that are overworked, underfunded and often under huge pressure to triage and prioritise. People who want to fall through the gaps can and do find ways to do so.

 

[lostintheloop]

If the goal is ctb, ctb. You don't need this.

What these voices are telling you is one act of violence will push you over. But don't make it too bad. Enough to push you over the edge. This has been played out many times before. What happens is it's not enough to push you over the edge. You still can't overcome SI. So you need to do another act. Worse this time. But still within limits. So you do it. When you still can't ctb, it escalates further. You hear this all the time in mass killer interviews. It's the same story.

The fallacy is that any of it is needed or in any way useful to help ctb. The goal of the voices is demonic - violence, harm. Use his "ctb" goal and distort it to that end.

Their goal is also my ctb which is ultimately for good. They just want to fix the glitch too. We have to put things right again and it will save people.

 

[rozeske]

I have listened . I did what people suggested - I was honest with the nurse and then I went to EIP assessment and was honest with them.

But what you did or atleast what you told us you did is not being totally honest with them. They never got the full extent of how much you are a danger to yourself or others. Even with the few things you shared here with us, look at how everyone is worried...I can imagine how those around you including professionals would feel if you also shared everything with them.

 

[lostintheloop]

But what you did or atleast what you told us you did is not being totally honest with them. They never got the full extent of how much you are a danger to yourself or others. Even with the few things you shared here with us, look at how everyone is worried...I can imagine how those around you including professionals would feel if you also shared everything with them.

I did . I told nurse the main points in writing which she sent in referral form to psychosis service (see photos). I even then told them additional stuff verbally that I won't go into here . Didn't repeat everything on form as they asked specific questions. But anything I didn't say was on form which they had open on laptop during assessment.

I didn't share about violence to reduce SI as that idea has been in the past couple weeks since assessment. So I couldn't share something that hadn't happened yet obviously. But I did share about the thoughts to harm self and others

So clearly they understand that we need to fix this glitch and that I need to follow the rules and also die.

 

[Ash]

I did . I told nurse the main points in writing which she sent in referral form to psychosis service (see photos). I even then told them additional stuff verbally that I won't go into here . Didn't repeat everything on form as they asked specific questions. But anything I didn't say was on form which they had open on laptop during assessment.

I didn't share about violence to reduce SI as that idea has been in the past couple weeks since assessment. So I couldn't share something that hadn't happened yet obviously. But I did share about the thoughts to harm self and others

So clearly they understand that we need to fix this glitch and that I need to follow the rules and also die.

View attachment 144874View attachment 144875

But you didn't include the bit about your plan to kill yourself at a busy road (as encoded in the message) and take a knife to stop anyone including the police from preventing you from going through with it?

 

[Dot]

I did . I told nurse the main points in writing which she sent in referral form to psychosis service (see photos). I even then told them additional stuff verbally that I won't go into here . Didn't repeat everything on form as they asked specific questions. But anything I didn't say was on form which they had open on laptop during assessment.

I didn't share about violence to reduce SI as that idea has been in the past couple weeks since assessment. So I couldn't share something that hadn't happened yet obviously. But I did share about the thoughts to harm self and others

So clearly they understand that we need to fix this glitch and that I need to follow the rules and also die.

View attachment 144874View attachment 144875

Slf hve hd tht 'xtra innr vce' b4

= v frghtenng & havng 'smethng els' talkng 2 u in ur hed = unsttlng

= livng in ur hed bt almst as tho = comng frm 'smewhre els' @ th/ sme tme

Fr slf = ws as tho th/ vce ws comng frm th/ rght sde of slf & jst appearng or almst lke showng up frm a parllel unvrse & jst turnng up

Ws nt audble - ws jst 'thghts' bt nt own thghts tht wre comng frm smewhre els - almst lke an evl twin or ds-connctd/abandnd prt of slf or smethng

Fr whle slf belved evrythng tht thy sd & = ws terrfyng - thy wld also shout @ slf whn ws jst droppng of t/ slp or taunt slf whn ws abt t/ rleas lrge emotns in ordr t/ scre slf in2 keepng thse feelngs in

Persnlly slf lernd tht own voics wre trma - thy wre a dsconnctd prt of slf tryn2 kp contrl bcse dp-dwn slf hd nt flt safe - thy wre thghts tellng slf tht ws goin2 leav & hrt & leav th/ mst imprtnt persn/ppl in slf lfe bcse all thru slf lfe slf hd bn scard of losng ppl

Am jst notcng tht ur vce = also tellng u thngs basd on fears of losng & harmng ppl in ur lfe also & also abt othr ppl havng contrl of u

Th/ voic ws litrlly fear manifestng itslf as an othr 'persn' in slf mnd - & ws triggrd aftr an argmnt tht slf hd unconscly promptd bt thn attmptd 2 avd bcse slf ws scard of showng angr & losng sme1 as rsult

& also - slf mentl hlth servcs wre also uselss & tellng slf tht = ws 'anxty'

S/ mght jst b wrth thnkng abt

 

[Apathy79]

I'm intrigued what preceded the voices starting. Drug induced, trauma induced, a fit or episode, anything stand out?

 

[ferrie]

There's a cognitive dissonance between the original premise of this thread & what you're saying now. In your first post, you're considering the idea of hurting someone to make yourself ctb. In some of your replies you still present it that way, but in others you're starting to say that the voices want you to hurt someone before you ctb to restore balance. I obviously don't know how your intrusive thoughts manifest, but I know personally when I have them they can blend together like this to make them feel more rational. I do get the difference between having these thoughts & actively planning to act on them too and that a lot of the time it's not taken seriously as long as you say you're not planning to act. It sounded like the mental health professional took your concerns seriously though even if the crisis team didn't, so I hope you reconsider wanting to talk to her. You didn't seem open to the idea when I brought it up before, but I think it would be helpful if you tracked exactly what you're hearing from the intrusive thoughts, the voices, and the visions. You don't have to share them with anyone if you don't want to, even if I would encourage you to share the notes with the MHP, but I think it would help you make more sense of what's going on if you had it written down for yourself & could see any patterns and how your thoughts change. Because there is a noticeable change in how you express what's going on when the thoughts seem to get more violent, and it seems to cause you a lot of distress

 

[Deleted member 65988]

Slf hve hd tht 'xtra innr vce' b4

= v frghtenng & havng 'smethng els' talkng 2 u in ur hed = unsttlng

= livng in ur hed bt almst as tho = comng frm 'smewhre els' @ th/ sme tme

Fr slf = ws as tho th/ vce ws comng frm th/ rght sde of slf & jst appearng or almst lke showng up frm a parllel unvrse & jst turnng up

Ws nt audble - ws jst 'thghts' bt nt own thghts tht wre comng frm smewhre els - almst lke an evl twin or ds-connctd/abandnd prt of slf or smethng

Fr whle slf belved evrythng tht thy sd & = ws terrfyng - thy wld also shout @ slf whn ws jst droppng of t/ slp or taunt slf whn ws abt t/ rleas lrge emotns in ordr t/ scre slf in2 keepng thse feelngs in

Persnlly slf lernd tht own voices wre trma - thy wre a dsconnctd prt of slf tryn2 kp contrl bcse dp-dwn slf hd nt flt safe - thy wre thghts tellng slf tht ws goin2 leav & hrt & leav th/ mst imprtnt persn/ppl in slf lfe bcse all thru slf lfe slf hd bn scard of losng ppl

Am jst notcng tht ur vce = also tellng u thngs basd on fears of losng & harmng ppl in ur lfe also & also abt othr ppl havng contrl of u

Th/ voic ws litrlly fear manifestng itslf as an othr 'persn' in slf mnd - & ws triggrd aftr an argmnt tht slf hd unconscly promptd bt thn attmptd 2 avd bcse slf ws scard of showng angr & losng sme1 as rsult

& also - slf mentl hlth servcs wre also uselss & tellng slf tht = ws 'anxty'

S/ mght jst b wrth thnkng abt

Translated for Dot:

I have had that 'extra inner voice' before. It is very frightening and having 'something else' talking to you in your head is unsettling. It feels like living in your head but almost as though it is coming from 'somewhere else' at the same time.

For me, it was as though the voice was coming from the right side of myself and just appearing or almost like showing up from a parallel universe and just turning up. It wasn't audible; it was just 'thoughts' but not my own thoughts that were coming from somewhere else - almost like an evil twin or a disconnected/abandoned part of myself or something.

For a while, I believed everything that they said and it was terrifying. They would also shout at me when I was just dropping off to sleep or taunt me when I was about to release large emotions in order to scare me into keeping those feelings in.

Personally, I learned that my own voices were trauma. They were a disconnected part of myself trying to keep control because deep down I had not felt safe. They were thoughts telling me that I was going to leave and hurt and leave the most important person/people in my life because all through my life I had been scared of losing people.

I am just noticing that your voice is also telling you things based on fears of losing and harming people in your life and also about other people having control over you. The voice was literally fear manifesting itself as another 'person' in my mind - and it was triggered after an argument that I had unconsciously prompted but then attempted to avoid because I was scared of showing anger and losing someone as a result.

And also - my mental health services were also useless and telling me that it was 'anxiety.'

So, it might just be worth thinking about.

 

[lostintheloop]

Slf hve hd tht 'xtra innr vce' b4

= v frghtenng & havng 'smethng els' talkng 2 u in ur hed = unsttlng

= livng in ur hed bt almst as tho = comng frm 'smewhre els' @ th/ sme tme

Fr slf = ws as tho th/ vce ws comng frm th/ rght sde of slf & jst appearng or almst lke showng up frm a parllel unvrse & jst turnng up

Ws nt audble - ws jst 'thghts' bt nt own thghts tht wre comng frm smewhre els - almst lke an evl twin or ds-connctd/abandnd prt of slf or smethng

Fr whle slf belved evrythng tht thy sd & = ws terrfyng - thy wld also shout @ slf whn ws jst droppng of t/ slp or taunt slf whn ws abt t/ rleas lrge emotns in ordr t/ scre slf in2 keepng thse feelngs in

Persnlly slf lernd tht own voics wre trma - thy wre a dsconnctd prt of slf tryn2 kp contrl bcse dp-dwn slf hd nt flt safe - thy wre thghts tellng slf tht ws goin2 leav & hrt & leav th/ mst imprtnt persn/ppl in slf lfe bcse all thru slf lfe slf hd bn scard of losng ppl

Am jst notcng tht ur vce = also tellng u thngs basd on fears of losng & harmng ppl in ur lfe also & also abt othr ppl havng contrl of u

Th/ voic ws litrlly fear manifestng itslf as an othr 'persn' in slf mnd - & ws triggrd aftr an argmnt tht slf hd unconscly promptd bt thn attmptd 2 avd bcse slf ws scard of showng angr & losng sme1 as rsult

& also - slf mentl hlth servcs wre also uselss & tellng slf tht = ws 'anxty'

S/ mght jst b wrth thnkng abt

Thank you for sharing your experiences. I do appreciate it . I'm so sorry that it was so terrifying and that you were dismissed.
It does sound quite similar to what I'm experiencing but mine isn't related to trauma and I have evidence it's not a part of me.

I'm intrigued what preceded the voices starting. Drug induced, trauma induced, a fit or episode, anything stand out?

No triggers that I'm aware of . Never taken drugs, no alcohol in past 4 years, no trauma or illness .

There's a cognitive dissonance between the original premise of this thread & what you're saying now. In your first post, you're considering the idea of hurting someone to make yourself ctb. In some of your replies you still present it that way, but in others you're starting to say that the voices want you to hurt someone before you ctb to restore balance. I obviously don't know how your intrusive thoughts manifest, but I know personally when I have them they can blend together like this to make them feel more rational. I do get the difference between having these thoughts & actively planning to act on them too and that a lot of the time it's not taken seriously as long as you say you're not planning to act. It sounded like the mental health professional took your concerns seriously though even if the crisis team didn't, so I hope you reconsider wanting to talk to her. You didn't seem open to the idea when I brought it up before, but I think it would be helpful if you tracked exactly what you're hearing from the intrusive thoughts, the voices, and the visions. You don't have to share them with anyone if you don't want to, even if I would encourage you to share the notes with the MHP, but I think it would help you make more sense of what's going on if you had it written down for yourself & could see any patterns and how your thoughts change. Because there is a noticeable change in how you express what's going on when the thoughts seem to get more violent, and it seems to cause you a lot of distress

It's both. It will encourage my ctb and make up for rule breaks - both of those purposes help restore order.
Idk if/when MHP will get in touch as unsure if they have done referral back to them like they said they would. If she does I'll consider writing things down for her but can't see that changing anything.

But you didn't include the bit about your plan to kill yourself at a busy road (as encoded in the message) and take a knife to stop anyone including the police from preventing you from going through with it?

No as wanted to make sure I decoded message fully first. Also wasn't sure if I could trust them so obviously test the waters first. But then they didn't ask about methods or details of hurting myself/other . If MHP gets back in touch (psychosis team said they'd refer me back to her) I'll consider going into more detail with her as I have some trust with her. But I think things are too far gone anyway. And she'll trust in the specialists that this is real and she can't stop it.

 

[ferrie]

It's both. It will encourage my ctb and make up for rule breaks - both of those purposes help restore order.
Idk if/when MHP will get in touch as unsure if they have done referral back to them like they said they would. If she does I'll consider writing things down for her but can't see that changing anything.

I'm glad you'll consider it! Are you able to reach out to her without the referral back, or does she have to be the one to contact you? I admittedly don't know much about how the UK health system works, and it seems like it has a lot of hoops to jump through. It might not change what she can do to help you, but there's still a chance that it will. I think it would be useful just for you to see a full timeline of what you're experiencing as well

 

[rozeske]

I did . I told nurse the main points in writing which she sent in referral form to psychosis service (see photos). I even then told them additional stuff verbally that I won't go into here . Didn't repeat everything on form as they asked specific questions. But anything I didn't say was on form which they had open on laptop during assessment.

I didn't share about violence to reduce SI as that idea has been in the past couple weeks since assessment. So I couldn't share something that hadn't happened yet obviously. But I did share about the thoughts to harm self and others

So clearly they understand that we need to fix this glitch and that I need to follow the rules and also die.

View attachment 144874View attachment 144875

I honestly don't know what to say. You have obviously left out a couple of things but I would have bet money even that much would be enough to make them worried enough to take you seriously. It's sad and I'm really sorry, for you and everyone involved. But if you can, don't give up on them if they do get back to you, please make sure to let them in your full thoughts. Maybe there can be a way all this ending in a better way, for you and those around you.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

IDK. I'm not sure any of this is legit, or not. I'm not saying it's not, I'm just saying I'm not sure. I know (not personally) that people do have this "type" of condition, but I, also, know that there are people who, for lack of a better term, "get off", on concocting scenarios like this and feeding their own needs for attention from others' reactions. Did anyone else catch the term "herself" in the documents uploaded? Not saying that means anything, just an observation. For me it's just hard to believe that someone like this is "slipping through the cracks" of the system. Not saying it can't, or doesn't, happen, but I doubt it happens often. These healthcare professionals are not stupid people. It's not that easy to fool them. I just don't know what to make of it. Just not entirely convinced and I doubt I'm the only one. Just my opinion.