Doing it tonight.

[kohaku]

I'm going to overdose on Sodium Nitrite at 1AM while everyone's asleep. I already started fasting. It's noon right now.

I want to thank this forum for all the essential information it's given me. Ironically, it also kept me from attempting several times in the past, because I didn't have the appropriate methods and from the stories on here I knew how difficult it actually is to accomplish a successful suicide. I have dimenhydrinate to keep me from throwing up and phenibut to help me feel calm.

I don't want to particularly share the details of why I've made this decision, but I can tell you that a difficult friendship situation has driven me over the edge. It's not just that, though. I have copious amounts of trauma that have haunted me all my life, and these demons are staying with me. I'm bringing them down with me.

There's a chance I might be found, which I don't mind, seeing as how reversible SN is. I think it'd be fun to be found, actually. Like a second chance at life. There's still a lot I haven't tried yet to cure my shitty cocktail of mental illnesses, I just got tired of trying. So I'd like to be given a 5 day window to post my status before my account is banned in case I do not succeed or change my mind for whatever reason.

Feel free to ask questions if you're curious, and any advice is appreciated, even if obvious. I'll brush up on my research today and start clearing out my hard drive by the evening. I already cleared out my entire phone when I made the decision last night.

 

[BPD Barbie]

Best of luck and I hope your transition is smooth and as painless as possible. Sending love for when the time comes

 

[not4us]

There's a chance I might be found, which I don't mind, seeing as how reversible SN is. I think it'd be fun to be found, actually. Like a second chance at life. There's still a lot I haven't tried yet to cure my shitty cocktail of mental illnesses, I just got tired of trying.

My "obvious" advice is: skip taking SN and go straight to the "second chance at life" part.

 

[Hornyaboutdeath]

I hate to be that guy but it seems to me that you rather want to live.

 

[Smudgedlines]

You are the master of your own destiny. Get busy living or get busy dying. Don't rely on anyone else to save you because the likelihood is they won't.. and if they do you'll end up disappointed because you haven't consciously made the decision to try to improve your life. You're relying on someone else to give you a second chance. Take it yourself.

but at least you're honest.

 

[Meditation guide]

You know it might not make any sense to us but to keep labeling threads as attention seeking is strange. He is ambivalent. Why assume everyone is an attention seeker and act like a judge?

 

[Hornyaboutdeath]

You know it might not make any sense to us but to keep labeling threads as attention seeking is strange. He is ambivalent. Why assume everyone is an attention seeker and act like a judge?

It's human nature to label anything. Makes it easier for humans to understand stuff.

 

[Meditation guide]

It's human nature to label anything. Makes it easier for humans to understand stuff.

Yes and it's stupid. Others can't understand these posts that sound odd so they label them attention seeking when they really don't know what is going on with the poster. This is supposed to be an accepting place not a place of judgement. If you think it's an attention seeking post ignore it.

 

[derelicct]

You know it might not make any sense to us but to keep labeling threads as attention seeking is strange. He is ambivalent. Why assume everyone is an attention seeker and act like a judge?

Agreed, their shouldn't be any room for judgement on here

 

[ExitStageLeft]

Godspeed to you.

 

[Meditation guide]

Quoting of what you said
`` There's a chance I might be found, which I don't mind, seeing as how reversible SN is. I think it'd be fun to be found, actually. Like a second chance at life``
That sounds absolutely insane, that you will take SN and want to be found.

It does not sound insane at all. I understand him completely. He wants to die but realizes that if he is found and survives it might change his mind. I wish to God people would stop judging others harshly when they are on a f'g. suicide forum.

 

[kohaku]

I don't want to have to justify myself and prove I'm really, REALLY (promise, you guys!) suicidal! on a forum meant for support. Extremely disappointing to see this type of response.

Calling people "attention seeking" is counter-productive. I've been called attention-seeking for self-harming which was my coping method to keep me from committing suicide when I knew I wasn't ready yet.

 

[Hornyaboutdeath]

I don't want to have to justify myself and prove I'm really, REALLY (promise, you guys!) suicidal! on a forum meant for support. Extremely disappointing to see this type of response.

Calling people "attention seeking" is counter-productive. I've been called attention-seeking for self-harming which was my coping method to keep me from committing suicide when I knew I wasn't ready yet.

You don't have to justify or prove anyone wrong.
Just do what you believe is right and fk what people think.

 

[Meditation guide]

I don't want to have to justify myself and prove I'm really, REALLY (promise, you guys!) suicidal!

I cannot imagine what is going through the minds of people here. Someone on a forum who needs some place to let it out comes here and is told they are seeking attention and being reported? Just the idea there are people like this in the ONE PLACE of last refuge from this type of thinking is sickening.

 

[kohaku]

I understand why people can see this as attention-seeking, but it really does, as @Meditation guide said, stem out of ambivalence.

The way I see it right now, I cannot communicate my feelings in any other way. If I die, that's alright. If I don't, they might actually take me seriously, because they haven't so far despite me seeking help for years now. If they disappoint me again, I'll just try again. It's a win-win.

 

[Meditation guide]

If I don't, they might actually take me seriously, because they haven't so far despite me seeking help for years now

I take you seriously. I understand exactly how you feel. A cry for help, of desperation, is perfectly ok. Some are not capable of any type of empathy, sadly.

 

[kohaku]

I take you seriously. I understand exactly how you feel. A cry for help, of desperation, is perfectly ok.

It's pretty bewildering to me that I still get called attention seeking on a forum literally meant for this stuff.

 

[Øystein]

While I'm not encouraging it, I can certainly understand why you feel that this is the way to go. You either die and reach eternal peace, which is what all of us here want, or you start completely fresh in life, with your issues acknowledged. There is no starting fresh when you're stuck in a depressive loop with all that shit in your head.

I guess some people here like to play gatekeeping with suicidality, which is very strange.

Whatever happens, best wishes to you.

 

[Smudgedlines]

It's pretty bewildering to me that I still get called attention seeking on a forum literally meant for this stuff.

Only by one person....

 

[mathieu]

Dimenhydrinate is not good enough for anti emetic.

 

[kohaku]

Only by one person....

Still messed up and it made me a little anxious, but I took my phenibut today so I'll be fine. I'm just trying to have a calm rest of the day.
I'll be watching the thread.

Dimenhydrinate is not good enough for anti emetic.

It's all I have.

 

[Meditation guide]

attention seeking type of thread. I have reported this to mods. Its becoming a thing now everyday.

In case you haven't noticed, you are on a SUICIDE forum. It's ok to post things like that here.

 

[kohaku]

My mom has lorazepam (Ativan) I've been prescribed for sleep & breakdowns, actually. I wonder if I could swindle a pill out of her 2 hours prior. She purposefully keeps it hidden out of my reach. It suppresses nausea, doesn't it?

 

[Meditation guide]

It suppresses nausea, doesn't it?

I've been reading all these threads for a while now and without fail they all vomit so I'm not really sure what anything to suppress that does.

 

[theguineapigking]

Quoting of what you said
`` There's a chance I might be found, which I don't mind, seeing as how reversible SN is. I think it'd be fun to be found, actually. Like a second chance at life``
That sounds absolutely insane, that you will take SN and want to be found. Seems like another attention seeking behavior rather to someone who is really CTB. I wish mods would look at these type of posts. I mean, if you want a second chance then all you need is not to take the SN.

Exactly, what a crazy idea right? Its like a high school drama!

Look man, you've made offensive posts and accusations before. The way you spoke to the op just now is just plain disrespectful. They didn't say they want to fail(attention seeking), they said that it wouldn't be too bad to be found because it'd be a second chance at life(also considering that sn has low probability of long-lasting damage).



I don't think I've ever been as irritated at anyone on this forum as I am at you. If you're looking to bash someone on their goodbye thread, then you need to seriously revaluate your thought process.


@krtgrf - I am so very sorry for all you've been through. It's understandable to not want to talk about it. If you do decide you want to talk, feel free to! Also, just remember that we(most of us..cough cough AIRBOY..) won't judge you. You can always back out too, if you have second thoughts. It's not as easy as you'd think to ctb...I've learned that the hard way...


If you attempt, I hope that you find peace and happiness. I hope your suffering finally comes to an end.

 

[kohaku]

I've been reading all these threads for a while now and without fail they all vomit so I'm not really sure what anything to suppress that does.

Fuck it, I've made up my mind. I have to do it tonight. I'll make sure to take the lorazepam.

I know I can't go too high with the dose because that also induces vomiting, so I'm going to do 4 teaspoons (16g)

 

[ixkitty]

I hope everything goes well.

 

[Isadeth]

I'm sorry you've endured so much pain and trauma. I can relate. If you succeed, I hope you have a peaceful transition and if you're found, I hope you have a speedy recovery and get that new lease on life. ♡ I hope your final day is everything you hoped it would be. Xx

 

[Lost in a Dream]

I'm sorry that you had to go through all of that trauma and that you have reached a point where you have to CTB for things to get better. It's even worse that some "friend" of yours did something to you that was bad enough to be the final straw. It's always unfortunate when someone that you trust pretends to care about you so they can use you or hurt you (I've been there so I know).

As far as being found, I'm not sure that would be a good thing. To me, it would just be another opportunity for life to kick you while you're down. In your place, being found would be my greatest fear.

 

[theguineapigking]

I've been reading all these threads for a while now and without fail they all vomit so I'm not really sure what anything to suppress that does.

Metoclopramide is a dopamine and serotonin antagonist. It helps to decrease nausea. It helps a lot, but it's not 100%. Many people still vomit, but it can delay how long it takes to vomit, as well as increase the amount of available sn that makes it to the bloodstream(I don't know the scientific terms).