Discussion Does my desire for dignity in death and my planning indicate a desire to live?

[NotADrill]

I'll be honest, I'm close to going through with it. My desire to end things is getting stronger, the feeling is staying in my mind for huge periods of time and its getting harder and harder to stop myself from feeling this way. I've found the method involving SN and I'm able to get the resources to make it happen. I'm terrified but I see very little in the way of alternatives and the idea of carrying on like I am is not an appealing one. However, that doesn't mean I want to do it, more that I see no alternative and maybe I'm just clutching at straws here but does how thoroughly I'm planning it and how I'm looking to do it (if I finally do) with as much dignity as possible point to a desire, even subliminal, to actually live?

I'm planning to send a message to all relevant parties in my life on a scheduled timer for a couple of days after (so as not to blow the whistle on myself and spark an intervention) explaining my reasons why I'm doing it. I'm also doing this to ensure that nobody finds me without knowing what they're walking into, limiting distress and hopefully ensuring that the person that makes first contact isn't a member of my immediate family. I'm planning to get a protector for my mattress and pads, to ensure that the clean-up is as easy and hassle free as possible. Oddly enough, I'm still exercising and dieting and I plan to get my hair cut and to shave for the purpose of dignity (that sounds crazy, even as I'm typing it). I plan to clean the flat and make it as clean as possible for my landlords, in the interest of resale and being able to use the place again once I'm gone. I plan for it to happen when I'm not supposed to be working, so as to limit disturbances in my workplace.

However, what I'm trying to hold onto is the fact that I'm still SLIGHTLY open to the idea of things improving. I'm doing all of the things that I'm "supposed" to be doing; therapy (private, costing a bomb but the health service where I am is basically non-existent), seeking diagnosis's for my conditions and input, exercising, eating healthy, working, volunteering, martial arts, reducing my drinking, trying to date etc. All of those things would suggest that I'm still trying to live, even though I'm doing these things on autopilot and I'm not feeling any joy out of them. I literally wake up feeling suicidal, go to bed feeling it and spend most of the time in between feeling it to. It's a constant spiral and has been for a long time now. I find it exhausting, I'm tired, I'm bored, I'm sad and I feel hopeless. I'm tragic; I'm heartbroken, my family are falling apart around me, I hate my job, I'm constantly in physical pain, I'm haunted by my past, I'm riddled with mental health, personality and neurological disorders and I've completely lost my sense of self and can't get any real or tangible help and I can't share this information or these feelings with my family or friends. Yet, I'm still doing these things. Even if it's just force of habit, is this a sign that maybe part of me still wants to live? Sorry! I know this is long and I hope it's okay to post. I'm near the end of my tether and I can't guarantee that I'll live through this. I've been here before and survived (I've even made past attempts that were much cruder) but this somehow seems worse and more hopeless. :(

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Ambivalence is normal and it's not realistic to eliminate it in my.opinion. I don't think wanting a dignified exit points to wanting to live necessarily. A more peaceful and dignified process lowers SI and we all find it preferable. Our lives have been painful and we find that er st least deserve a peaceful enough exit even though from a certain common sense perspective if our lives have been painful there's no reason to think our deaths would be exceptions to that. And it's understandable that you would still maintain your life habits even in light of your decision. It's not certain when or even if you will actually CTB so sabotaging your life out of apathy can lead to a painful cleanup later on.

From your vivid descriptions it does sound like the far greater part of you yearns to CTB. The part of you that yearns for life will probably never be squashed and it's only your personal call whether it is actually worth it to follow the path of trying to improve your life. Is there one area of life you have problems in that is most amenable to being improved right now?

 

[wait.what]

Since you say you're feeling as if your hand is being forced by circumstances and you'd rather live if possible, it sounds to me like you would like us to help you find a way out of having to do this. If so, we might be able to help find a way forward that is acceptable to you. This is not a place where people are going to treat you like you're dumb as a brick. You wouldn't be here if you hadn't looked damn hard for some solution. It's possible we can't do any better. At that point the decision will be your own. Maybe fresh pairs of eyes will find something, though.

Do you want to describe your situation? I'd recommend not giving personally-identifying information. It can feel intimate and private here, but it's not. So you want to talk about it, speak generally.

 

[Inferno]

I don't necessarily think it indicates a desire to live. If you believe existence in this realm continues on after your passing then it's reasonable to want to die with dignity, for someone who believes existence ceases after death it would make less sense. I've had periods of solipsism where I didn't care what I left behind whatsoever.

 

[FuneralCry]

I don't think that someone wanting their suicide to be peaceful and as risk free as possible automatically means that a part of them wants to stay here, it wouldn't make sense to say such a thing really unless an individual is having doubts about their decision at the same time that they are doing this planning. People spend time researching more peaceful and reliable ways to leave as they don't want to resort to a more risky method that could just mean that they end up failing ctb with them having to exist in a much worse condition.

It makes sense to me wanting some kind of dignified exit, as having a more peaceful method would mean that at least for me suicide would be much easier to go through with and I would feel so incredibly relieved to have such a way out of this life that doesn't involve risks, I would see it as being something so ideal. I just think that with whether suicide is the right thing, only you know really, I believe that it's a feeling that someone has where they are certain but anyway I wish you the best of luck.

 

[NotADrill]

Honestly, I've struggled most of my life. I wasn't a happy kid; we moved quite a lot, my house was full of conflict (dad abused my mum and my brother and they were splitting and then getting back together all the time, causing instability), school was hell, I had learning and neurological conditions (some diagnosed and some not) so was bullied and beat on constantly and had no friends. My Dad wasn't great, even after the split so our relationship was and still is quite strained.
Uni was fun, until it ended and most of my friends moved on, the ones I still have live on the other side of the country. After that I worked two dead-end jobs with no social or free time and crap money for years, got my heartbroken by someone who it was irrational for me to have such strong feelings for but I did and that's what it is and my music career died on its arsed when I got scammed by a record label and entered into an 18month long court battle, where I got nothing at the end anyway. I fell in love again. Again, she couldn't reciprocate and she broke my heart like before (she didn't mean to but these things happen). So, I saved up for a few years, ran away oversees to hide from my problems, then came back to find them waiting for me all over again. I got made redundant twice in less than a year and spent the last three and a half years in a job in a job I can't stand and am leaving for another soon (one of the only beacons of hope keeping me going). I tried to take my life when I was 15 in high school. I tried again when I was 22 and had serious ideations when I was 28.

I've been on and off meds most of my life, until I realised how little they actually work about six months ago and stopped entirely. I've been trying to get some tangible form of input like long-time therapy for over a decade but that's not a thing in our society, despite us constantly being encouraged to "Get help". One of my siblings can't go a week without attempting suicide (mostly its for attention as the "attempts" are pathetic but tell that to my mum) and they're going to screw up and get it right one day. They're also transitioning, which we fully support but it's a lot to comprehend for everyone and we're unsure of if they're really in a fit enough mental state. This is digging my mum into an early grave, destroying her and my step dads relationship and causing my entire family to fall apart. Even being around them is depressing and I hate that I can't do anything and there's no solution to make it any better; this kid has a self-destructive personality and is an undiagnosed sociopath who self-harms and has ideations about harming others. So not a day goes by where I don't worry about that situation. My friends don't get it so I can't confide them and if I confided in my mum she'd probably drop right there and then. She's a great woman but she's got her limits like everybody.

Despite all the above, I was doing okay (ish) until about a year ago. We lost a family member, things got more intense with my sibling, the job got insanely more mentally demanding and I was forced to take a pay cut, I've been diagnosed with more conditions and am waiting to be investigated for ED and BPD and am in therapy that I'm funding myself. Then around April I met somebody, fell for them after they came onto me (again, irrational, I know) and then they got back with their ex around five months later (who was their ex for a very good reason; cheating multiple times etc) after coming onto me again when they'd flip-flopped between wanting to be friends or lovers etc and created a whirlwind of confusion, when they'd previously been telling me that the only reason they were hesitant to try with me was because of how hurt they were over them. I've been heartbroken before, but I can't explain how much this one screwed me up; I can't go a day without thinking about them, I associate them with everything and I hate the fact that they did me like that. Then when I got in touch and explained how I felt a while later (we'd said we wanted to stay friends but, no way could I do so without coming clean) they acknowledged it but stated that they didn't want a friendship anymore. I know this was inevitable and I should have just been real about how they'd hurt me from the start to save time and it is closure but I just can't imagine meeting another person as amazing as that. Part of me still loves them but another part sees them as vicious and nasty and fills me with hate and anger. Either part is exhausting and is eating me alive and I feel ashamed and embarrassed about the situation as they stated that they didn't even realise how strong my feelings were (despite me telling them) and the idea of them being able to just carry on unaffected whilst I'm suffering like this is unbearable (FYI, I would NEVER hurt them or anyone else and never have). Since then my past has been eating me up inside, my present feels awful and full of sadness and my future just doesn't seem worth sticking around for. It feels like I'm sticking around just for other people and my only fear until recently was getting the process wrong. I know that part of me doesn't want to do this but part of me does. I just can't seem to draw real joy and simple happiness out of anything anymore, even things that I used to get that from don't work. So I'm genuinely concerned that this won't get better.

 

[wait.what]

Thought about it for a while, and figured I'd suggest something you might get at least a little short-term relief from. Sometimes when I feel horrible, I want to be near other humans, but usually if they see you're depressed they'll flee you because they see you as weird. Animals flee depressed animals, too … in theory that's an instinct to avoid possible disease.

SaSu isn't exactly Disneyworld, but it isn't a bad place to just sit and hang with people who also feel horrible, which can be surprisingly therapeutic. The Suicide Discussion forum can get awfully grim, but then everyone else there is also at one of the darkest points in their lives, and sometimes only this forum understands. (Just remember we don't actually encourage suicide. Not that you seem like the "do it man, do it" edgelord type.)

Chat is actually a really nice, relatively chill spot to be. It's usually at least somewhat active, and it's more social than about Heavy Topics. People in the Recovery forum are usually quite supportive, since that's literally what that forum is for. If I have the energy for it, I sometimes post support for people who ask for it, since at least that makes me feel like the day wasn't a total waste. It's nice when they appreciate what I said, and then say something kind back. I'm not going to make those connections many other places when I feel so bad I want to die. There's the professional kindness of the better hotline and hospital staff, but honestly that feels pretty hollow. Let's not talk about the worse staff … Really, even in the hospital, I get the most comfort hanging with the other patients.

I don't know that I can recommend SaSu as a long-term hangout, since it is the bus station, after all. Some of us are outbound, some are inbound, and most don't stay very long. I'm only here when I'm in crisis or close to it. But for a while, this can be a mostly-okay place where at least you feel that others see you, and generally don't judge, and you know your basic existence doesn't scare them.