Does anyone feel like they "have" to CTB rather than "want" to?

[weedbrain]

I want to live. I'm scared to die. I don't want to leave my pet. But outside factors can drive you to the point where you feel like you don't have a choice. If the desire to die were there it'd make things easier. Hopefully things can pick up so that I don't reach the point where my hand is forced.

 

[Daphne]

Yes; my other option is homelessness. I would rather die by my own hand than suffer indignity, maltreatment, and agony out in the elements.
It's like being stuck between a rock and a hard place.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

This is literally me. Outside circumstances make me suicidal and may force me to kms. I'd prefer to live but not at all costs.

I'm sorry you have to go through this.

 

[Doll Steak]

yeah, kind of. I'm not really scared to die and I know my life will probably get worse but for some reason I still want to live if I dig really deep down, I want to continue my hobbies and not hurt those around me that I would with my death. Its very conflicting and causes so much emotional turmoil. That emotional turmoil is another reason I want to CTB as well, It really is confusing.

 

[PI3.14]

I don't think anyone really want to die just for the sake of it. If there are such people, then they're an extreme minority.

Most of us are pushed towards this option by unforgiving circumstances.

 

[bananaolympus]

Yes i feel that more and more

 

[maka]

Yup. I want to stay and spend more time with my cats but I will be homeless soon if I don't. The system is rigged and for some of is this is our only other option unless we want to end up on the street.

 

[dearlydeparted44]

I feel both. I have to because I have nothing to look forward to except old age, declining health, debt, and a collapsing world. I want to because I just feel it's time. I've done most everything in life there is to do. Music, pets, and sunsets aren't enough to keep me here. I'm ready to leave and see what's on the other side.

 

[GhostInTheMachine]

Yeah, I know I can't change the things I really want to change that would "save" me. I don't really want to die either, but I'd rather not keep living like this. It takes so much effort ot hang on by the few threads that can hold you.

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

Both. I want to and have to die asap

I don't care if I had the things they say a good life has. I still would prefer Non-existence forever the ultimate bliss

I would never want anything from this evil prison world and evil life

 

[Dejected 55]

It's both for me. I want to die because I see no other options and I've lived long enough now to see the cycle repeat and always get a little worse over time...

But I also am driven to die on a specific timeline because of lack of a job and money... and I don't want to have another job again after my last experience... and I have lost a house before and had to live with others and lose all my independence and dignity... and when you lose that it becomes more difficult to take your own life without interference.

So I want to die... and I need to die soon because of circumstances... but it's still tough to push that final button. It's hard not to want to look for something better, but I'm learning every day how there's no reason to hope... and I want to go before I lose the ability to go on my own terms.

 

[Eriktf]

no i dont mind living but dont mind to be dead

 

[FadingSnowFake]

I want to live, but with someone specific. Without this person I don't see a purpose.

 

[nitritegirl]

sometimes i feel like i have to ctb because i was born wrong in the first place. and literally all my suffering today is because of that.

 

[Kokonoe]

Yeah. I wish I could live. I want to live so bad. I want to live like everyone else gets to.
But I'm stuck with people who don't even treat me like I'm human and I have been my whole life. I've never been able to get out of here. Nothing has ever changed. I want to live so bad but I can't. It's hopeless. I'm being forced into suicide because there is nothing left for me.

 

[Dusk till dawn]

It's a mix of both

I want to die because there's nothing more left for me, i reached the end, i don't want to keep living miserable, aging up, having more responsibilities, suffering, why would i go through all of this misery when suicide is a option

I have to die because that's how it is, i'm a liability, there is no future for me, i have no friends, i have no social skills, i don't fit in my community because my beliefs and mentality is far too different, those are circumstances beyond my control, so while i naturally want to die, death is a necessity for me, it's the only path forward

 

[tvisongur]

Yep. Hell, I've been actively seeking help, I'm in treatment, outside of the mega-pit I found myself in a few weeks ago I generally want to figure out *how* to live and be ok. But I'm in debt that, while manageable, essentially ties me to my current job. I've applied for countless other jobs and gotten nowhere, and all the ones I've applied for are miles away so I'd have to leave a town I love. And I simply can't keep doing my current job. It's a matter of time before I get fired for swearing at my manager in a teams meeting. The job's always been shite but the last manager was good, I even enjoyed my job for the most part. New manager and new ownership, mounting pressure where the only way to get everything done is working overtime for free, and the knockon effect of the people working under me being increasingly burned out and miserable as well. If I could afford to quit I would, but as it stands now it'd mean defaulting on loans or living in my car or any number of other shitty non-options. If the only way out is CTB, so be it.

 

[TAW122]

I feel like in general I'm in control of my wanting to CTB after knowing how life turned out for me and not wanting to stick around for potentially decades until old age and natural causes. However, yes there are times where I'm more eager to CTB due to circumstances, but ultimately I know that even if things aren't at their worst stage, I'd rather not stick around for things to get worse and possibly lose the ability to CTB.

 

[Lullaby]

There's so many bad things in this world, but I don't really want to leave either. If I could feel some sort of happiness regularly then I'd for sure stay. But it's been yearssss of me struggling with depression and wanting to die, going back to when I was 12 and I'm about to turn 31.

I found this archive of a.s.h and I was browsing through some of the old posts when I got home. There was one mentioned in an article and I really felt like it summed up when I've been recently struggling with.

"I can't go on living just for the sake of living. There has to be more. There has to be some worth to your life. And I don't see any."

A lot of people are super fortunate to just…have a life? A job they love, family and friends that support them, etc. I was at my ECT appointment today and overheard one of the other patients talking to our doctor about her improvements.

I was so jealous because our lives couldn't be more different—she's 6 years younger than me and planning a wedding…her dad waited with her throughout the whole appointment, meanwhile my mom comes later and we just don't even say anything to each other while waiting for a ride home.

So yeah, I definitely feel like this is something I have to do because the constant crying gets to be too much and the pain is just feeling like it's increasingly getting more and more overwhelming each year. It feels like I'm living for everyone else because taking your life isn't the "right thing to do" even thought I'm totally miserable.

"Maybe you should go back to school. Or apply to this job. Or do this, or that."

I don't want to do anything right now, but I feel like I have to for them.

I also feel you on the pet factor because I would never doing anything while he still here. I've had him for almost 10 years and he's literally the best thing that's ever happened to me. I'm sure he's the closest thing I'll ever have to a kid. I'd rather go through the pain of losing him first, than go beforehand.

Anyways, sorry for rambling. I just really relate to your post and it's something I've been fighting with more than usual lately, especially being scared to die.

If it's not something you want, then I really hope you can push through this, but definitely don't forget you're not alone with how you're feeling.

 

[starlightstarbright]

Yeah. I only became suicidal once I lost my job a year ago. But being stuck with awful family members to avoid homelessness is really driving me to the brink. If I could just get a job and move out, I'd be able to happily live again, but my hand feels more and more forced each day because of the pain of existing like this. It's not that I don't want to live, it's that I don't want to live like this.

 

[Sprite_Geist]

Yes. When I was first feeling suicidal over 12 years ago, it was more of a "want". This is also why I have not done anything interesting with my life, because I was not planning on living past the age of 25. Of course this did not happen, and I am still here at the age of 32.

Now the desire to die is a "must" because my life is at a dead end, as I have ruined all prospects on getting the job that I wanted, and I have missed out on over 8 years of potential relationships. I have seen a glimpse into the life of a once close friend, and they have a job that I want; they also have an awesome partner and friends. My heart sinks at the thought that I could have lived similarly, and even have been a part of the same social circles. This is not to say that their life is perfect, as everyone has their own issues, but in terms of their goals they have more than succeed. I am really happy for them, but their success also reminds me of my own failure.

Now I want to die out of anger at my own incompetence.