Does anyone else not want to CTB??

[Mari666]

@Mari666 Hi sorry I took so long to reply, I kept meaning to but have been feeling crap all week myself and didn't feel like I had the energy to give advice. I don't wanna just give you half-assed replies without putting any thought into it.

It's good you finally got to meet up! It's hard from what you wrote to know if you're putting almost impossible expectations on someone, or if they really are pulling back from you. It just sounds like maybe you come up with reasons not to get close to people? They've already done a lot to make you feel like family-I kind of feel like they've gone above and beyond to show you they care. But you keep testing them, maybe putting them on a bit of a pedestal? Let me know if I'm way off here it's just the impression I get but I'm not a psychiatrist! Yeh the therapist is right about people making time BUT remember you also turned down an invite from them because you were feeling hurt. They are making time for you, if that wasn't the case you wouldn't even have seen them since you left your job. Maybe they are just trying to act normal and not keep talking about what happened because they don't know if you even wanna talk about it? It's heavy stuff, I think in that situation I'd probably be trying to keep things light and not dwelling on what happened in case I upset you.

I just think you should relax a bit, you've gotta be happy with yourself not looking to your co-worker and their family to be your reason to live. Everything you've told me says they're there for you, they're your friend, what else can they prove to you?

And like I said before, don't forget to be there for your co-worker since they were going through some stuff as well. Relationships are a two way street! I don't know why you have to go forwards alone, is it all or nothing? If they don't prove their absolute loyalty to you every week you can't still be friends even? Sorry if this sounds harsh I don't mean it to be I just really think you're questioning everything right now and putting so much on this friendship/relationship it's a lot for your co-worker to live up to...

Hey,

I gotta say I'm surprised, this response sounds so different from all your others ones lol.

Please, you don't have to explain yourself. If you're going through tough times you should absolutely take that time for yourself and forget about things like this. Hope things turn around for you :)

I know you aren't a psychiatrist, that's why I've always felt bad about constantly putting this all on you but also why I felt so happy when you respond these. I think I mentioned it but I am seeing an actual psychiatrist as well.

Talking with people at the clinic helps and I've learned that I shouldn't hang on and be weighed down by things that I can't control. I put a shotgun to my head, if someone walks away after that I can't control them so why hold on right? Not just them, my coworkers. My family too. I nearly literally killed myself and my brother locked me out of the only room in the house with an air conditioner in it the other day and it was 102°F that day. My sister doesn't talk to me except through texts. Even my aunt who im not close with reached out more than my brother and sister and she makes me feel awkward.
I know I mentioned this before but I felt alone most of my life, to feel alone now hurts but there's nothing I can do about that except work on myself. A Dr I met in the hospital told me this when I spoke to him about these feelings of loneliness, I told him I put that gun to me head in part because I felt I couldn't move forward alone, that it would be to hard to deal with everything I need to deal with alone and I can't do that. He pointed out that I got there on my own. I called the police, I didn't pull the trigger, I cooperated with them when they came with rifles and put me in handcuffs without panicing and since then I dealt with the small, cold psych hospital rooms that smelt like piss and roommates that talked to themselves, where you're not treated like a patient but like you're a danger. Where you're not even trusted with taking a shower and need to do so with the door cracked open and where security guards shine a flashlight in your face at night to make sure you're sleeping. I survived that place and since then I am seeing a psychiatrist, I go to the gym, I'm eating healthier, I'm looking for a job to get back on my very own feet, and I'm doing it all alone. All while facing a family like mine. And all just a month after that attempt. Yes, I declined because I was hurt and not long after I agreed with you, it was a mistake to do so. It is a heavy topic, absolutely. But I'm surviving how I can.
I'm alive, I shouldn't be. I planned my death for months. I should be dead right now, that's what I wanted. Maybe I still do. I don't know to be honest. But If I'm going to keep living I'm going to live my way and if anyone doesn't want to come along, I can't force them. If they do, I'm more than happy to have them. But I already know I can do it on my own if I need to. Nobody needs to prove any loyalty to me, no one is obligated to feel anything for me. I think you're right with what you said.
Everything i survived I survived on my own. Believe me I'm a very social person, I love to be around people. I love giving compliments to people's tattoos or hair and all that. Being alone hurts but I'll do whatever I need to do survive. I'll leave a story I think is kinda important below this.

I told a therapist about my coworkers birthday last year. We decorate the office for people's birthdays and my coworkers birthday fell on a day they wouldn't be working. So I decided I would decorate the office throughout the day and when they came it would be fully decorated. I went all out, spent like $70 on decorations. But part way through decorating I was told we'd actually be celebrating their birthday a few days later and not on the day I thought we would. So stopped I decorating. This meant that my coworker would come in and see the office only partially decorated, then I could keep decorating and it'd be done by the time we celebrate at the end of the week. I didn't want them to have a half assed decorated building but with all the confusion I left it like that. On the day of their actual birthday they didn't work like I said and the office was only partly decorated. I went to their house after work because I wanted to say happy birthday in person. They looked surprised to see because they actually paused for a second when they saw me and then gave me a hug which I didn't expect. We talked for a bit and they told me to guess how many people remembered it was their birthday. Zero. Apparently no one had wished them a happy birthday. I knew then that there was no chance I was going to let them see a half assed office after that so I left and went straight to their favorite bakery and bought their favorite strawberry cake and some other snacks I know they like. I spoke to my mom (who also worked there btw lol) and she agreed to drive me back to the office so she could get some extra paperwork done and I could decorate. The decorating took longer than I thought and before I knew it it was midnight. My mom kept asking me if I was ready to leave but I wanted to make this look good for them. Eventually it hit 1am, then 2am. I knew it was really unfair to my mom but I HAD to finish this for them. So I came with up with the only solution I could think of, she goes home alone, I stay in the office to sleep. She didn't want to let me but I eventually convinced her. She went home and I stayed to decorate, after about another hour it finally looked how I wanted it. Streamers, paper balloons (because they're scared of real balloons), those like paper orbs things that hang from ceilings and look like lanterns but they're not lanterns, flags, I spelled out they're name in glittery letters, everything. I tried sleeping in the office but couldn't manage it, it was pretty damn uncomfortable and surprisingly loud. It was worth it though. When they came in later on, they said to me, oh my God, I want to cry but I'm not a little b*tch. That made me laugh. I said im glad you like it. They responded, I LOVE it. And told me no one had decorated for their birthday like that in a long time. I didn't realize I was doing anything that special to be honest, I just wanted them to be happy and feel as special and they are to me. But to hear it was the first time in a long time made me happy I could help them.
I'm not saying all this to be like Hey look at me I'm such a great person or anything. I know that effort came from my side and I'm not charging for it. But my therapists have told me that after all that, after all this, it's understandable to feel abandoned. They also said a lot of what you said. Maybe they're not available, maybe they have their own things, maybe you don't know how to deal with it. And they're right, you're right. But the truth is I do feel hurt. I don't know what to do with it except keep moving forward. No matter how much it hurts, what more can I do but keep moving forward?

I am genuinely sorry this one is so long :(

Again I really really appreciate your replies and point of view to help me see what I can't see myself. I really hope things get better for you, you deserve it :)

Thanks

 

[betternever2havbeen]

Hey,

I gotta say I'm surprised, this response sounds so different from all your others ones lol.

Please, you don't have to explain yourself. If you're going through tough times you should absolutely take that time for yourself and forget about things like this. Hope things turn around for you :)

Thank you! It was just a bad week, I mean they're all bad (I'm on SS lol ) but yeh last week I was super emotional. Am doing a bit better now, much calmer I think! Just that I wanna be in an ok frame of mind before I give you any advice you might take to heart. I always enjoy reading your posts though so don't feel like I don't or that you're a bother or something, it's not that at all!

I know you aren't a psychiatrist, that's why I've always felt bad about constantly putting this all on you but also why I felt so happy when you respond these. I think I mentioned it but I am seeing an actual psychiatrist as well.

Yeh don't feel bad! I only say that to just remind you that I might be talking complete nonsense cos am not a professional, I'm just going off what you've told me. It's definitely interesting when your psychiatrist does pick up on the same sort of things as me sometimes. And of course they have some insights I don't. Definitely listen to their advice anyway, hopefully it's helping you.

Talking with people at the clinic helps and I've learned that I shouldn't hang on and be weighed down by things that I can't control. I put a shotgun to my head, if someone walks away after that I can't control them so why hold on right? Not just them, my coworkers. My family too. I nearly literally killed myself and my brother locked me out of the only room in the house with an air conditioner in it the other day and it was 102°F that day. My sister doesn't talk to me except through texts. Even my aunt who im not close with reached out more than my brother and sister and she makes me feel awkward.

It's good you have people at the clinic to talk with and that it helps. Not sure what's going on with your siblings-other than they just don't know how to deal with things. I've always been emotional and it makes me feel a bit similar to you like no one is taking things seriously enough. Does that make sense? I always feel like I care SO much more than everyone else (which is probably unfair to people but yeh), it's tough living like that so if it's the same for you I definitely get it. OR you know, our intuition about people could be right.

Sorry if I was harsh about saying you need people to prove their loyalty or anything, you can't help the way you feel and what you need from people. That was probably unfair of me! It's obvious now how much you have given to other people-I can tell from your msgs you are a very kind person anyway and that you haven't always gotten that back from others which is a shame. Relationships are not good if you feel taken advantage of or that people aren't gonna be there for you. It's just hard to know which one it is with your co-worker.

That Dr made a very good point. You've been through such a lot lately. It cannot have been easy but you did it-I think you are dealing with it as best anyone could and you should be very proud of what you're doing to get your life together.

That story was lovely-you've obviously done a lot for this person. Sorry if I implied otherwise! But I'm glad you shared that story. Wow you really went all out, I'm so impressed! What a kind thing to do for someone they must've been really touched. It seems like they felt similar to you that no one was really celebrating their birthday until they saw what you'd done for them. That's something they won't ever forget.

I just don't want you to risk losing this amazing friendship that you have I think it'll be such a shame so if I'm harsh that's why. But I do understand why you feel the way you do and how hard it must be. Again you can always ask them where you stand, or say you feel like they're holding back a bit-see what they say. It just sucks that you feel you have to go through everything alone (again) I just hope that isn't the case and that everyone steps up and shows you how much you mean to them!

 

[Mari666]

Thank you! It was just a bad week, I mean they're all bad (I'm on SS lol ) but yeh last week I was super emotional. Am doing a bit better now, much calmer I think! Just that I wanna be in an ok frame of mind before I give you any advice you might take to heart. I always enjoy reading your posts though so don't feel like I don't or that you're a bother or something, it's not that at all!


Yeh don't feel bad! I only say that to just remind you that I might be talking complete nonsense cos am not a professional, I'm just going off what you've told me. It's definitely interesting when your psychiatrist does pick up on the same sort of things as me sometimes. And of course they have some insights I don't. Definitely listen to their advice anyway, hopefully it's helping you.


It's good you have people at the clinic to talk with and that it helps. Not sure what's going on with your siblings-other than they just don't know how to deal with things. I've always been emotional and it makes me feel a bit similar to you like no one is taking things seriously enough. Does that make sense? I always feel like I care SO much more than everyone else (which is probably unfair to people but yeh), it's tough living like that so if it's the same for you I definitely get it. OR you know, our intuition about people could be right.

Sorry if I was harsh about saying you need people to prove their loyalty or anything, you can't help the way you feel and what you need from people. That was probably unfair of me! It's obvious now how much you have given to other people-I can tell from your msgs you are a very kind person anyway and that you haven't always gotten that back from others which is a shame. Relationships are not good if you feel taken advantage of or that people aren't gonna be there for you. It's just hard to know which one it is with your co-worker.

That Dr made a very good point. You've been through such a lot lately. It cannot have been easy but you did it-I think you are dealing with it as best anyone could and you should be very proud of what you're doing to get your life together.

That story was lovely-you've obviously done a lot for this person. Sorry if I implied otherwise! But I'm glad you shared that story. Wow you really went all out, I'm so impressed! What a kind thing to do for someone they must've been really touched. It seems like they felt similar to you that no one was really celebrating their birthday until they saw what you'd done for them. That's something they won't ever forget.

I just don't want you to risk losing this amazing friendship that you have I think it'll be such a shame so if I'm harsh that's why. But I do understand why you feel the way you do and how hard it must be. Again you can always ask them where you stand, or say you feel like they're holding back a bit-see what they say. It just sucks that you feel you have to go through everything alone (again) I just hope that isn't the case and that everyone steps up and shows you how much you mean to them!

Thanks. Look don't apologize too much I think you said some stuff I needed to hear. Your message was different but what am I gonna do complain?? We're all human, I mean I'm the loser on antidepressants now lol.

It's just, I love them so f*cking much you know? Like I'm crazy about them. I really don't think I've loved anyone this way before and I'm scared I won't ever again. There's no one else who i want in my life as much as them. When we worked together (what seems like another life now) I had problems then too you know. Stress, depression and of course family problems. Not to mention the health problems too. A lot of stuff going on. But no matter what happened, no matter what I had to go through, I knew I was going to be ok because I'd get to see them. Not because I could talk about my problems but just sitting there with them throughout the day, talking, laughing, joking and being a pair of dumbasses, it made me happy. If I'm putting them on a pedestal it's because they're the most amazing person I've ever met. Like i said I just wanted to make them feel as special as they are to me. Trying to make them laugh an make them happy everyday oddly enough had the same effect on me, it'd make me happy too!

I don't know. I'm sorry to pour my heart out about them like this I know I gotta sound like a chump in love. It's just the feeling I get when I'm with them, I don't want to feel without it. Nothing I wouldn't do for them.

But hey, thanks again. You're a real one you know. I'm still talking to physiatrists and nurses and all that, I'm getting a refill on my meds tomorrow. Gym day tomorrow as well. So, still moving forward. O

Thanks a lot :)

 

[betternever2havbeen]

Thanks. Look don't apologize too much I think you said some stuff I needed to hear. Your message was different but what am I gonna do complain?? We're all human, I mean I'm the loser on antidepressants now lol.

Yeh but I was probably really harsh and unfair and you don't need that now after what you've been through. So sorry for that. I think I was just worried you were going to give up on the friendship but I know you won't as long as you are getting something back from your co-worker. Glad to see you still have a sense of humour but you are not a loser! Are the antidepressants helping at all?

It's just, I love them so f*cking much you know? Like I'm crazy about them. I really don't think I've loved anyone this way before and I'm scared I won't ever again. There's no one else who i want in my life as much as them. When we worked together (what seems like another life now) I had problems then too you know. Stress, depression and of course family problems. Not to mention the health problems too. A lot of stuff going on. But no matter what happened, no matter what I had to go through, I knew I was going to be ok because I'd get to see them. Not because I could talk about my problems but just sitting there with them throughout the day, talking, laughing, joking and being a pair of dumbasses, it made me happy. If I'm putting them on a pedestal it's because they're the most amazing person I've ever met. Like i said I just wanted to make them feel as special as they are to me. Trying to make them laugh an make them happy everyday oddly enough had the same effect on me, it'd make me happy too!

I don't know. I'm sorry to pour my heart out about them like this I know I gotta sound like a chump in love. It's just the feeling I get when I'm with them, I don't want to feel without it. Nothing I wouldn't do for them.

Yeh it must be tough when you don't get to speak to them as much or know if the relationship is even going to continue. Obviously it's not gonna be quite like it was before when you were working together. Have you spoken to them since your last post? I always think you're gonna have good news. Have you tried telling them how you feel again? They are single right? Yeh I know what you mean about making others happy-it's a great way to improve our own happiness at the same time.

But hey, thanks again. You're a real one you know. I'm still talking to physiatrists and nurses and all that, I'm getting a refill on my meds tomorrow. Gym day tomorrow as well. So, still moving forward. O

Thanks a lot :)

You're welcome-and I'm glad you are talking to plenty of professionals as well. Some give up on therapy if they have a therapist who doesn't understand them but it sounds like you have ones who know what they are talking about. Keep doing what you're doing, things will gradually improve.

 

[hallowed_]

I feel like that just just how most people with suicide tendencies/ thoughs feel. We don't want to die. They want to continue living but then they realize they don't have a future or their pain is too great to continue. It's kinda sad life will bring someone to that edge without any more hope of survival

 

[Mari666]

Yeh but I was probably really harsh and unfair and you don't need that now after what you've been through. So sorry for that. I think I was just worried you were going to give up on the friendship but I know you won't as long as you are getting something back from your co-worker. Glad to see you still have a sense of humour but you are not a loser! Are the antidepressants helping at all?


Yeh it must be tough when you don't get to speak to them as much or know if the relationship is even going to continue. Obviously it's not gonna be quite like it was before when you were working together. Have you spoken to them since your last post? I always think you're gonna have good news. Have you tried telling them how you feel again? They are single right? Yeh I know what you mean about making others happy-it's a great way to improve our own happiness at the same time.


You're welcome-and I'm glad you are talking to plenty of professionals as well. Some give up on therapy if they have a therapist who doesn't understand them but it sounds like you have ones who know what they are talking about. Keep doing what you're doing, things will gradually improve.

Hey, so I still actually haven't heard anything back at all. But something kind of happened and I'd like to know what you think. So I don't know how much I mentioned it but their mom and my mom both also worked there. Their mom and my mom were pretty close. One time my coworker said they were pretty much like the older versions of us. Ever since we got fired their sister and their mom quit because of the situation at work back then. My mom still works there. So our moms would text each other frequently and stuff.
Like I said I haven't heard anything at all. My mom said she also hasn't heard from them in a while until yesterday when their mom texted my mom. My mom said she had been told by my coworkers mom that they'd been texting me. She also said that a couple weeks ago their mom said they invited me a to a movie but I said no. But the thing is neither of those are true. I double checked my phone just in case maybe They're right and I just missed a text or something but there's nothing there. Not since we went swimming.

I wanted to tell you about all this because like I said you really help me see what I can't. Maybe I'm thinking about this all wrong or something. I admit whatever I'm thinking it's influenced by depression, it's been rough lately. The antidepressants I guess have some effects but not like it really does a lot. The search for a job is tough right now too. And my next appointment with my psychiatrist isn't for over a month. Things are tough right now. And now with this, I don't know what's happening. I mean I love them so much. Their mom has supported me so much too, she's a former driving instructor and she helped me get my license. Their older sister said she considers me like another sibling and she would tease me like one and I loved it because I felt like I fit in. She always cares for me and took care of me. Anytime she saw I was anxious or stressed she'd take care of me and stuff. And my coworker, I've said a lot about them obviously. I love them so much. You're right, I'd do anything to keep this going if they wanted it. But if they don't, what the hell can I do?? Why is it like this though.

I'll try not to dump too much on you it's just, really hurts right now dude. Like I said I just want to know what you think of you don't mind. I'd like to get a viewpoint since mine is pretty clouded by depression right now. It'll go away, I'll keep going. But right now it's really hard.

Thanks. Genuinely, thanks for everything. I've heard more from you then them throughout this too be honest. I hope things are getting better for you. I mentioned SS while in the psych hospital actually. They were definitely less than understanding about it lol. Not fans I'd guess. Anyways, thanks a lot

Sorry I didn't come with good news here

 

[enough of this]

If you don't feel ready I urge you to not do it. There are very few things that truly leave you with no time to waste and it doesn't seem you are in one of those. If your mind is still giving you hope I would advise you to listen to it. The option to CTB will always be there, but you can only do those things before. There is no chance after. If you don't want to do it yet please don't. I feel it is a decision that should only be made when you feel ready, not done before hand, though I understand that it is ultimately up to each person.

Very well put.

 

[depressedteddybear]

I don't want to ctb but I don't want to keep living like this the constant up and downs I'm so depressed I can barley get out of bed for a few weeks then I'm super happy for a few more it is torcher I have taken all the safteys out of the way and when I get really low the next time it will be the last

 

[Takamagahara]

No, I don't want to die. I just want the pain and loneliness to stop. But I can't imagine a future where it ever does.

 

[Maeve]

I don't want to die but i am slowly drowning and keeping over water is so so hard. I am gona fight as hard as i can but i think il be going next year to :(

 

[bluebus]

I am not exactly thrilled with the fact that I have to ctb. For me it's the only choice, but I wish I could keep on going on-living, and living life to the fullest. But unfortunately, circumstances beyond my control have made life not worth living anymore, and I have to ctb. I understand the conflicting feelings you have, and I wish you the bets of luck. I hope you can overcome this pain and feeling of obligation. I hope you can live your life to the best. Wishing you luck and sending you love

 

[betternever2havbeen]

Hey, so I still actually haven't heard anything back at all. But something kind of happened and I'd like to know what you think. So I don't know how much I mentioned it but their mom and my mom both also worked there. Their mom and my mom were pretty close. One time my coworker said they were pretty much like the older versions of us. Ever since we got fired their sister and their mom quit because of the situation at work back then. My mom still works there. So our moms would text each other frequently and stuff.
Like I said I haven't heard anything at all. My mom said she also hasn't heard from them in a while until yesterday when their mom texted my mom. My mom said she had been told by my coworkers mom that they'd been texting me. She also said that a couple weeks ago their mom said they invited me a to a movie but I said no. But the thing is neither of those are true. I double checked my phone just in case maybe They're right and I just missed a text or something but there's nothing there. Not since we went swimming.

I wanted to tell you about all this because like I said you really help me see what I can't. Maybe I'm thinking about this all wrong or something. I admit whatever I'm thinking it's influenced by depression, it's been rough lately. The antidepressants I guess have some effects but not like it really does a lot. The search for a job is tough right now too. And my next appointment with my psychiatrist isn't for over a month. Things are tough right now. And now with this, I don't know what's happening. I mean I love them so much. Their mom has supported me so much too, she's a former driving instructor and she helped me get my license. Their older sister said she considers me like another sibling and she would tease me like one and I loved it because I felt like I fit in. She always cares for me and took care of me. Anytime she saw I was anxious or stressed she'd take care of me and stuff. And my coworker, I've said a lot about them obviously. I love them so much. You're right, I'd do anything to keep this going if they wanted it. But if they don't, what the hell can I do?? Why is it like this though.

I'll try not to dump too much on you it's just, really hurts right now dude. Like I said I just want to know what you think of you don't mind. I'd like to get a viewpoint since mine is pretty clouded by depression right now. It'll go away, I'll keep going. But right now it's really hard.

Thanks. Genuinely, thanks for everything. I've heard more from you then them throughout this too be honest. I hope things are getting better for you. I mentioned SS while in the psych hospital actually. They were definitely less than understanding about it lol. Not fans I'd guess. Anyways, thanks a lot

Sorry I didn't come with good news here

Hey sorry I took a while again! I don't really know what to make of your co-worker saying those things tbh, without more info it's just really hard to say. Doesn't make much sense does it? Assuming you haven't forgotten anything, and there is nothing on your phone it's very odd. Maybe just ask them in a non-confrontational way why they said these things? Perhaps you have got some answers now since the last time we spoke?

Things are still pretty much the same for me I guess, up and down. Mostly down! I've not been on here as much as usual-like I've read and replied to the odd thread with short replies but not spending as much time here like I was. I've actually noticed lately I've gone to make replies or posts (not just on here) and then just thought "fuck it" and deleted the whole thing. I don't know what this means, because posting on forums was mostly all I'd be doing on the net and now it's like more effort or something IDK. Still happy to read your posts though-as long as you don't mind a few days inbetween-I know you said that was ok. I feel like I should've replied sooner though since you were finding things tough so sorry for that! I guess I don't really have any insight as I find it very odd as well, so sorry I don't really have a good answer for why your co-worker is acting like that. Still think you need to clear the air and just ask them what's going on really!

Yeh I doubt anyone in the mental health world would approve of a site like this from the outside-it's got such a bad rep but it's nothing like it's portrayed, it's a really supportive place and people are so nice. I guess we can't expect others to understand who haven't been where we are though. And naturally they will worry some negative internet site might have a detrimental effect. I hope that's not been the case for you though, and like I said you sound like you're doing amazingly well with your recovery (all things considered-it'll obviously still be tough going from time to time) and I'm really happy you are trying your best to recover, and having success with it. I think that's the case with the vast majority of people on here hence the "pro-choice" bit but people who don't understand the site don't focus on that and think it's all about death. Such a shame really when this site is a huge support and literal lifeline to many.

 

[Lonely1]

Yes, I feel this way. I've decided that my eating disorder has beaten me. I will never be beautiful, have a partner, have a family. And I will age like this. So that's why I want to CTB.

 

[MrSpaghetti]

I'm in the same boat as you my friend. Whether or not you choose to go through with it I truly wish you find happiness.

 

[betternever2havbeen]

@Mari666 Hey, sorry your last post got deleted-as you probably know, the site had major issues and lost all posts from beginning of Sept. Luckily I had read your latest post before that happened (I shoulda just replied straight away) so I can mostly remember what it was about.

Happy belated birthday-sorry you didn't hear anything from your co-worker, that really sucks :(
Congrats on getting into trucking school and a delivery job. Compared to where you were you've come so far it's really incredible! Hope all that goes well and you enjoy doing it and make some friends.

I don't mind talking publicly or you can always send me a DM-whichever you prefer. I still come on daily so I'll see your msg I just don't always post a lot (depends on my mood tho) I'm trying to get better at replying because someone I was talking to a few months ago CTB back in mid August and I didn't even know until the other day. I actually don't understand how I missed it all because I used to skim read all the new posts pretty much everyday. I was shocked although obviously they had told me their plans (I really tried to support them and give them advice hoping they wouldn't CTB) but yeh that really sucked. I'm just so glad you didn't go through with it and have been able to improve your life.

I think it's a great idea to document what happened with you-only if you're 100% comfortable with doing that though. It might be cathartic for you and I'm sure people would find it really helpful. You handled it amazingly-like honestly you've come SO far and you did exactly the right thing calling the cops and everything in your situation. How are you feeling about life now? You a bit more hopeful about everything?

 

[ZedZeo]

Living would have been nice but I don't see a future and I doubt I'll ever be happy

I just wish I could have been happy

 

[Mari666]

@Mari666 Hey, sorry your last post got deleted-as you probably know, the site had major issues and lost all posts from beginning of Sept. Luckily I had read your latest post before that happened (I shoulda just replied straight away) so I can mostly remember what it was about.

Happy belated birthday-sorry you didn't hear anything from your co-worker, that really sucks :(
Congrats on getting into trucking school and a delivery job. Compared to where you were you've come so far it's really incredible! Hope all that goes well and you enjoy doing it and make some friends.

I don't mind talking publicly or you can always send me a DM-whichever you prefer. I still come on daily so I'll see your msg I just don't always post a lot (depends on my mood tho) I'm trying to get better at replying because someone I was talking to a few months ago CTB back in mid August and I didn't even know until the other day. I actually don't understand how I missed it all because I used to skim read all the new posts pretty much everyday. I was shocked although obviously they had told me their plans (I really tried to support them and give them advice hoping they wouldn't CTB) but yeh that really sucked. I'm just so glad you didn't go through with it and have been able to improve your life.

I think it's a great idea to document what happened with you-only if you're 100% comfortable with doing that though. It might be cathartic for you and I'm sure people would find it really helpful. You handled it amazingly-like honestly you've come SO far and you did exactly the right thing calling the cops and everything in your situation. How are you feeling about life now? You a bit more hopeful about everything?

Hey, I'm sorry to hear that someone you were talking to CTB. Despite all my stuff It is hard and heartbreaking to see people make post about it and then actually go through with it. Especially when you try to help them. I had a similar experience on Reddit not long ago. I'm glad you're trying to get better and I hope you'll keep at it. It sucks, I know, but going through it is better than being stuck, if that makes any sense. At least it's what I tell myself.

I'm definitely comfortable with writing about my experience. I've been open about it since that night. I don't mind answering any questions people have usually.

As for how I'm feeling, I don't know to be honest. I know it's a bad answer but it's honest. A big reason I am who I am is because of them, no matter how hard things got I felt it'd be ok because I'd see them at work. I found a place I fit in and more than anything, I was loved and wanted. So being where I am now, it hurts. I know you must be exhausted of hearing me go on about them but I can't help feeling these things no matter how much it hurts. Even tho I'm hurt, I'm still crazy about them. I kind of beat myself up over that sometimes. But there's some progress. Have you seen Barbie? I relate to Ken in that I can be myself without them. Someone I talked to said that I didn't lose them, they lost me. I think they were being nice but it helped. They were my priority, I told them they were my favorite person and we would say I love you like I might have mentioned. My whole life I had people, my family, tell my they loved me but it was always conditional and they said it but never showed it, the opposite in fact. This. Reminds me of that sometimes. So to go from that to nothing, after every that's happened? Idk, maybe I don't deserve that.

Anyways thanks for saying that, it feels like slow progress but I know that it's progress nonetheless. However far I've come, I want to do better. I want to be better.

Not to sound emo and shit but what a weird, fucked up world lol. It'll be a while before I'm proud of myself but I'll keep going.

I'm fine with keeping this method of communication or any other. I hope you keep getting better :)

 

[betternever2havbeen]

Hey, I'm sorry to hear that someone you were talking to CTB. Despite all my stuff It is hard and heartbreaking to see people make post about it and then actually go through with it. Especially when you try to help them. I had a similar experience on Reddit not long ago. I'm glad you're trying to get better and I hope you'll keep at it. It sucks, I know, but going through it is better than being stuck, if that makes any sense. At least it's what I tell myself.

Yeh it's surreal, even though you know it's a distinct possibility because they've spoken of their plans-I guess you just think you'll get to talk with them one more time or they'll drop you a msg before they do anything. That didn't happen with the two people who I knew of on here who CTB so it was actually a bit of a shock. But there were people closer to them, so I hope at least they got some support in their last days. Sorry you had a similar experience, it's horrible feeling so helpless but yeh I know there was nothing I could have done under the circumstances.

I'm definitely comfortable with writing about my experience. I've been open about it since that night. I don't mind answering any questions people have usually.

Awesome well I guess you could write up in the recovery section or the main section-I'm sure either way people will be genuinely happy you didn't CTB and have managed to come through the other side and be in a better place.

As for how I'm feeling, I don't know to be honest. I know it's a bad answer but it's honest. A big reason I am who I am is because of them, no matter how hard things got I felt it'd be ok because I'd see them at work. I found a place I fit in and more than anything, I was loved and wanted. So being where I am now, it hurts. I know you must be exhausted of hearing me go on about them but I can't help feeling these things no matter how much it hurts. Even tho I'm hurt, I'm still crazy about them. I kind of beat myself up over that sometimes. But there's some progress. Have you seen Barbie? I relate to Ken in that I can be myself without them. Someone I talked to said that I didn't lose them, they lost me. I think they were being nice but it helped. They were my priority, I told them they were my favorite person and we would say I love you like I might have mentioned. My whole life I had people, my family, tell my they loved me but it was always conditional and they said it but never showed it, the opposite in fact. This. Reminds me of that sometimes. So to go from that to nothing, after every that's happened? Idk, maybe I don't deserve that.

I know, its sucks you are not close like you were. I keep hoping you've got together when I see a new message. I still think it'll happen tho, you two were too close for it not to! Perhaps they just needed a bit of space, everything must've been so intense for both of you with what happened. But even if not, I'm sure there will be other people that enter your life that you can be just as close to in time. Have they not even asked you how you're doing or anything? I think maybe if you can get a msg to them that you're doing better now and there's no pressure on them to walk around on eggshells or anything just in case they are worried about that. Really hope you get to hang out together again and have some fun like back in the old days.

Anyways thanks for saying that, it feels like slow progress but I know that it's progress nonetheless. However far I've come, I want to do better. I want to be better.

Not to sound emo and shit but what a weird, fucked up world lol. It'll be a while before I'm proud of myself but I'll keep going.

I'm fine with keeping this method of communication or any other. I hope you keep getting better :)

It doesn't sound slow to me! And like you say, any progress is good. Having goals for yourself is important too and wanting to be better. I'm giving myself til the end of the year, seems like a good time to make a decision on what to do with my life. It would be good if we could both "recover" (I kind of hate that word but yeh) here's to better things for us both!

 

[snowcloud9]

I don't want to ctb at all right now. After I've gotten all my plans sorted out, I've felt very at peace. I've gotten my SN, written my notes, figured out what to get rid of so that nobody would find it, wiped my social media--at least the ones I can right now without alarming anyone--and I've selected a location.

There is no rush anymore. No rush to obtain SN before it becomes too difficult to obtain. No need to panic that I wouldn't be able to ctb if something terrible suddenly happened to me. Now I can enjoy my life with no consequences... it is so blissful to be in this position.

For me, finishing my exit plan created my peace.

 

[Mari666]

Yeh it's surreal, even though you know it's a distinct possibility because they've spoken of their plans-I guess you just think you'll get to talk with them one more time or they'll drop you a msg before they do anything. That didn't happen with the two people who I knew of on here who CTB so it was actually a bit of a shock. But there were people closer to them, so I hope at least they got some support in their last days. Sorry you had a similar experience, it's horrible feeling so helpless but yeh I know there was nothing I could have done under the circumstances.


Awesome well I guess you could write up in the recovery section or the main section-I'm sure either way people will be genuinely happy you didn't CTB and have managed to come through the other side and be in a better place.



I know, its sucks you are not close like you were. I keep hoping you've got together when I see a new message. I still think it'll happen tho, you two were too close for it not to! Perhaps they just needed a bit of space, everything must've been so intense for both of you with what happened. But even if not, I'm sure there will be other people that enter your life that you can be just as close to in time. Have they not even asked you how you're doing or anything? I think maybe if you can get a msg to them that you're doing better now and there's no pressure on them to walk around on eggshells or anything just in case they are worried about that. Really hope you get to hang out together again and have some fun like back in the old days.


It doesn't sound slow to me! And like you say, any progress is good. Having goals for yourself is important too and wanting to be better. I'm giving myself til the end of the year, seems like a good time to make a decision on what to do with my life. It would be good if we could both "recover" (I kind of hate that word but yeh) here's to better things for us both!

Hey, first off I want to absolutely apologize for my super long response time. I could and should have responded earlier and I'm sorry. I hope I'm not late and you're still on this site. Either way I hope you're doing well.

Part of the reason for my long response time is that the month of October was the absolute hardest part of this year, including everything I've mentioned before. Including my attempt and everything. Within the same week, the first week of the month, I got sick with something, got cut from the truck program, and my dog passed away. I won't jump straight into my problems though since it's been such a while.

You said you're giving yourself till the end of the year and it's November so I hope you're doing well. I hope you're decision serves you for the better and is one that makes you happy. I've only had the opportunity to speak here online so I don't know you personally but I can say with certainty that you have made a difference to me. If not for that fact that a kind internet stranger took time to hear me and respond, I don't know how my recovery could have gone. If there was no one to listen I'd feel as alone as I did that night. I'd bet I'm the only one you've helped as well. If my response was too long and is inexcusable then I'm sorry. But if you do still see this thanks for sticking around.

If you were wondering we did actually meet up, me and them. Early In October, just as I started to get sick with what might have been Covid, they called me on the phone. They wanted to tell me something about how they've got a lawsuit going against our old boss for harassment and things like that that they faced at work. They invited me to a surprise party for their mom but I mentioned sick and couldn't go. After though we texted and stuff. Like I mentioned everything else went tits up that month. My dog passed away at age 15, I got cut from the program, my car payments are overdue and I'm at risk of losing it, terrible month that was. When I recovered from the illness I got invited to their house for their birthday.

It's strange because just before that phone call I had kind of made up my mind. I didn't want to keep doing this to myself, thinking about them, feeling these feelings, and being left alone like that. I heard someone say the saying 'Loving you is my choice, breaking that love is your decision" or something. Maybe the saying was about trust actually I don't remember lol. Anyways I was kind of done. But now.....


Well before they're birthday we decided they would come pick me from my house and we'd for to their place. They came over on the day the moment they exited their car they ran over and gave me a hug. They told me a lot of stuff. We talked and stuff about what we've been doing. It's strange. I know I sound like an ass saying this but remember I had made my up, I felt like maybe they DID mean it. They told me they missed and said they were depressed without me. They told me how they've been working as a caretaker for their grandmother and they they talk about about me to their grandmother. They told me that they weren't even excited about their birthday or anything but excited about seeing me. I returned these compliments by the way, you know how I feel about them. We said I love you a few times as I went home after.
At their house, I dare to say it, it was like old times. We laughed and joked about shit we did in the past and at work. We played games, etc.
Both their sisters gave me hugs, so did the mom. In that one day, I felt more supported about my attempt then I have from my actual family in all the time since. I took it all with a grain of salt because like I said, mind was made, I had just been through the worst month of the year, and such. While I was there I was asked how things were going and I was talking to their mom about how tough things had been at home, family and such. They blurted out almost the question, do you want to live with us?? I didn't think it was a serious question and was immediately asked something else by the moment so I didn't say anything. A bit later we were walking outside and they said 'its a shame rent is so high or else we could have moved in together'. To be honest, I don't know what to make of this. Were they serious? Or just talking?
Anyways as we decorated for their birthday one of their sisters told me there was an opening at the place they work and asked If I was interested. I said yes. And now I work there.

a few days later we met up again for Halloween where we went trick or treating despite people saying we're too old and had a good time. I started work on the 6th.

it's strange though. I mentioned before I think about how they're not entirely consistent. As in, I mentioned how they said all that on their birthday. But since then it's been different again. I send messages and do get responses, sometimes. Sometimes I'm just left on read. When I do get a response it's kind of like one thats not meant to be responded to if that makes sense at all. Like on the day I started working they texted me and said good luck and have fun and told me that they're mom had packed me a lunch which their sister would bring with her. Interestingly and ironically enough, because the universe has some sense of humor apparently, the place I work at now is like 5-10 minutes from the clinic where I met them. Were we started working. So I get up at the same time, and drive the exact same way, as I used to. I mentioned to them how it felt weird going back since I haven't since back then whenever that was. I mentioned how it was a lot of feelings and memories from bad ones about all the stress and harassment we did face from our boss, but I also mentioned that I remembered the good times with them and how those were good memories. They're response was just the word, lunch.


so yeah Its weird. Like what the hell kind of weird to me. I made my mind up. I was ready to detach. Just then I'm sucked back in. Such a tough time looking for work for all that time and now In just that day I went over I have a job. Now here I am again, absolutely in love. It's eating me up inside. At my job there are people who I'm kind of get used to, even if I'm not good at my job right now, and still all I can think about is them. About how comfortable I am with them and how easy talking to them is. It's weird. Like I love them so fucking much and also i don't know what to do about it. Like I said, now there's not really any texts again. On their birthday I was getting ready and cleaning myself up and I couldn't respond quickly because I was doing things like brushing my hair, shaving also lol, showering, etc. so when I could respond I want for a while later. But they would respond super quick and I felt bad. Like I feel right now because I haven't responded to you in a while. So yeah weird.

I kind of agreed to take the job because it would make sure I'm in contact with the family, also I was desperate for money as I've now missed two months of car payments and wont get my paycheck till next week. But their sister, the one I don't know as well as the other, works there so now I'm coworkers with her lol. She's also the one who trained me. Is training I should say since I'm a horrible and slow learner. I don't know what to do now to be honest. I'm fucking crazy about them. You think I loved them before?? Now I'm even more somehow?? Jesus man why? What if they were excited to see me but were disappointed or something? Or maybe they missed me but then felt like maybe it was too much hype and don't like me? I really do hate how much my attempt has changed the way people think of me in general. Like is there nothing else to me or about me you want to know about?? I have hobbies and things i love, I like to meet people, I love my car, why is suicide all you want to know about? You know what I mean? When they picked me up and we talked amd joked around they made jokes and stuff about it and not in a bad way but in a way like how we used to. I prefer someone make an honest joke about it then someone be dishonest and have like fake sincerity. Like if someone is genuinely willing to listen then I appreciate it and it means a lot to me. But some people like don't care and are just like *gasp* you attempted suicide oh my god. Like please stop fr.

forgive my rant but it really sucks. I almost wish I had either never done it, or if I did it was a secret idk. Like I said though now it's read messages and I'm so in love. If thats how it is and I'm right and they maybe don't miss me then maybe the best choice is to quit the job, find another, and make my mind up like I said. But idk right now. So complicated. Life was so easy as a kid when you just want to collect bugs in the yard. Now I have bills and shit.

anyways yes. Again, I hope you're still here. Even if not for me and my stuff I hope you're here and doing things that help you. Honestly if either of us should recover I bet it'd be you. You deserve to do better. No kind heart should go unrewarded or unappreciated. Even if you didn't read my whole shit up above I really hope you're doing ok.

 

[Bodydysmorphia34]

Nobody wants to die but no one wants to continue suffering either so ctb is the only exit option left.

 

[betternever2havbeen]

@Mari666 I'm so glad to have an update-I was wondering how you were doing, thinking should I drop you a msg or not? Because it had been a while. I've read everything and I'll get back to you with a proper reply in a couple days hopefully. Just wanted you to know am still here and still interested in what's going on with you and hoping I can be of some support when I get enough time to write.

 

[betternever2havbeen]

Hey, first off I want to absolutely apologize for my super long response time. I could and should have responded earlier and I'm sorry. I hope I'm not late and you're still on this site. Either way I hope you're doing well.

Sorry my response was later than I said as well but I'm slow doing everything these days and not able to articulate things as well as I used to hence it taking me longer to write-I hope you don't mind. No wonder you took a long time with everything that has been happening, what a crazy time for you. Am so sorry you had to deal with all those set backs in such a short space of time. Hope everything starts going better for you again from now on.

You said you're giving yourself till the end of the year and it's November so I hope you're doing well. I hope you're decision serves you for the better and is one that makes you happy. I've only had the opportunity to speak here online so I don't know you personally but I can say with certainty that you have made a difference to me. If not for that fact that a kind internet stranger took time to hear me and respond, I don't know how my recovery could have gone. If there was no one to listen I'd feel as alone as I did that night. I'd bet I'm the only one you've helped as well. If my response was too long and is inexcusable then I'm sorry. But if you do still see this thanks for sticking around.

I don't see myself ever getting my shit together but I suppose I'm in no rush to do anything about it. I'm still on a horrible schedule atm-I sleep most of the day and am up all night (currently writing this at 2a.m) so I gotta sort that out and eat better as well. I dunno, I still think I will CTB at some point, it's always there in the background but I probably need a trigger, and right now my living situation is at least comfortable so I don't really have a date in mind. I don't feel well enough (or competent) enough to get a full-time job or socialise atm so I'm just wasting time....and I've already wasted SO much time. I guess I will bite the bullet and try some therapy before I do anything, might as well although I have little faith they can help me. Do you still talk to someone? Have they been any help for you?

Am so glad to hear I actually made a difference, thank you your recovery is completely down to your own hard work though but am glad I was able to make you feel less alone.

Ah sorry you had to miss out on something with your co-worker again, that's really bad timing! It sounds like they have a lot on their plate too still-so am sure they will need your support. What happened with the truck program? Really sucks that fell through, but I guess it doesn't matter now you've got another job. Am sorry you lost your dog, it is super tough to lose a pet. How have your family been about things since? Are you getting more support from them now?

It's strange because just before that phone call I had kind of made up my mind. I didn't want to keep doing this to myself, thinking about them, feeling these feelings, and being left alone like that. I heard someone say the saying 'Loving you is my choice, breaking that love is your decision" or something. Maybe the saying was about trust actually I don't remember lol. Anyways I was kind of done. But now.....

It's understandable you would wanna do that because being in that sort of limbo where you don't really know where you stand must be really hard.

Aw that's nice of them to say all those things, I really think you have to concentrate on that-they've told you plenty of times how they feel about you, just gotta trust that. If they asked you to move in I guess there's your answer-if they meant it you know they're serious about you. Don't overthink it again, unless they give you a reason not to think they're serious. I mean their family got you a job which was so cool of them. They just seem like really lovely people that wanna help you.

I totally get why it'd feel weird if someone seems like they're pulling back and not responding the same as they did. I don't really know why they would do that but it's probably their own stuff they're going through and not about their feelings for you. Try not to take it too personally. You get on so well when you meet up so I don't think you have to worry if the communication gets a bit slow or weird sometimes. And from their point of view maybe they don't wanna be too full on, or risk scaring you off so sometimes they play it a bit cool? If you're not happy with the way things are you really should just ask them about it. Otherwise, maybe that's just what the relationship is like for you guys... you might just have to decide if you're happy with this or if you need more from them. Like I said before, it really would be a shame if you lost the friendship so I don't think you wanna do that...unless you really think it'd be the best thing for you-but I just think that's fear talking.

so yeah Its weird. Like what the hell kind of weird to me. I made my mind up. I was ready to detach. Just then I'm sucked back in. Such a tough time looking for work for all that time and now In just that day I went over I have a job. Now here I am again, absolutely in love. It's eating me up inside. At my job there are people who I'm kind of get used to, even if I'm not good at my job right now, and still all I can think about is them. About how comfortable I am with them and how easy talking to them is. It's weird. Like I love them so fucking much and also i don't know what to do about it. Like I said, now there's not really any texts again. On their birthday I was getting ready and cleaning myself up and I couldn't respond quickly because I was doing things like brushing my hair, shaving also lol, showering, etc. so when I could respond I want for a while later. But they would respond super quick and I felt bad. Like I feel right now because I haven't responded to you in a while. So yeah weird.

Yeah you certainly have had mixed fortunes lately! I hope this job will be a good thing for you though. If the only reason you think they're being off with you is texts I wouldn't worry about it-like you said you can't always text back right away either. Just gotta go by how you are in person, that's what's important. They've told you how they feel, don't need to doubt it. You always end up seeing each other so not like they're ghosting you or anything! They would do that if they didn't want you in their life so obviously they do. And they could be thinking the exact same thing as you.

But some people like don't care and are just like *gasp* you attempted suicide oh my god. Like please stop fr.

People still don't know how to handle talking about a suicide attempt so yeah I'll bet lots of people are shocked or don't know what to say. I can see how that would be really annoying though. It'll get better, it's still early days, you were in a really bad place and you're doing a lot better now so maybe people are just super surprised because you seem so together?

forgive my rant but it really sucks. I almost wish I had either never done it, or if I did it was a secret idk. Like I said though now it's read messages and I'm so in love. If thats how it is and I'm right and they maybe don't miss me then maybe the best choice is to quit the job, find another, and make my mind up like I said. But idk right now. So complicated. Life was so easy as a kid when you just want to collect bugs in the yard. Now I have bills and shit.

No don't quit your job! I think you should stick at it, you'll only make things worse if you quit your job. See how it goes and don't worry and overthink things. Like you said it's super hard to find a job these days, and you really need the money. See how it is, I mean if it's not something you wanna be doing then you can look into something else. But I think you should give it a go, and definitely don't quit over your co-worker.

anyways yes. Again, I hope you're still here. Even if not for me and my stuff I hope you're here and doing things that help you. Honestly if either of us should recover I bet it'd be you. You deserve to do better. No kind heart should go unrewarded or unappreciated. Even if you didn't read my whole shit up above I really hope you're doing ok.

Thank you for the kind words. Did you still wanna do a thread about your recovery? I think you've done amazing and come such a long way it'd be cool if you did wanna do one. Hope the worst is behind you and you have good news on your next update, you really deserve it!

 

[Mari666]

Sorry my response was later than I said as well but I'm slow doing everything these days and not able to articulate things as well as I used to hence it taking me longer to write-I hope you don't mind. No wonder you took a long time with everything that has been happening, what a crazy time for you. Am so sorry you had to deal with all those set backs in such a short space of time. Hope everything starts going better for you again from now on.


I don't see myself ever getting my shit together but I suppose I'm in no rush to do anything about it. I'm still on a horrible schedule atm-I sleep most of the day and am up all night (currently writing this at 2a.m) so I gotta sort that out and eat better as well. I dunno, I still think I will CTB at some point, it's always there in the background but I probably need a trigger, and right now my living situation is at least comfortable so I don't really have a date in mind. I don't feel well enough (or competent) enough to get a full-time job or socialise atm so I'm just wasting time....and I've already wasted SO much time. I guess I will bite the bullet and try some therapy before I do anything, might as well although I have little faith they can help me. Do you still talk to someone? Have they been any help for you?

Am so glad to hear I actually made a difference, thank you your recovery is completely down to your own hard work though but am glad I was able to make you feel less alone.

Ah sorry you had to miss out on something with your co-worker again, that's really bad timing! It sounds like they have a lot on their plate too still-so am sure they will need your support. What happened with the truck program? Really sucks that fell through, but I guess it doesn't matter now you've got another job. Am sorry you lost your dog, it is super tough to lose a pet. How have your family been about things since? Are you getting more support from them now?


It's understandable you would wanna do that because being in that sort of limbo where you don't really know where you stand must be really hard.

Aw that's nice of them to say all those things, I really think you have to concentrate on that-they've told you plenty of times how they feel about you, just gotta trust that. If they asked you to move in I guess there's your answer-if they meant it you know they're serious about you. Don't overthink it again, unless they give you a reason not to think they're serious. I mean their family got you a job which was so cool of them. They just seem like really lovely people that wanna help you.

I totally get why it'd feel weird if someone seems like they're pulling back and not responding the same as they did. I don't really know why they would do that but it's probably their own stuff they're going through and not about their feelings for you. Try not to take it too personally. You get on so well when you meet up so I don't think you have to worry if the communication gets a bit slow or weird sometimes. And from their point of view maybe they don't wanna be too full on, or risk scaring you off so sometimes they play it a bit cool? If you're not happy with the way things are you really should just ask them about it. Otherwise, maybe that's just what the relationship is like for you guys... you might just have to decide if you're happy with this or if you need more from them. Like I said before, it really would be a shame if you lost the friendship so I don't think you wanna do that...unless you really think it'd be the best thing for you-but I just think that's fear talking.


Yeah you certainly have had mixed fortunes lately! I hope this job will be a good thing for you though. If the only reason you think they're being off with you is texts I wouldn't worry about it-like you said you can't always text back right away either. Just gotta go by how you are in person, that's what's important. They've told you how they feel, don't need to doubt it. You always end up seeing each other so not like they're ghosting you or anything! They would do that if they didn't want you in their life so obviously they do. And they could be thinking the exact same thing as you.

People still don't know how to handle talking about a suicide attempt so yeah I'll bet lots of people are shocked or don't know what to say. I can see how that would be really annoying though. It'll get better, it's still early days, you were in a really bad place and you're doing a lot better now so maybe people are just super surprised because you seem so together?


No don't quit your job! I think you should stick at it, you'll only make things worse if you quit your job. See how it goes and don't worry and overthink things. Like you said it's super hard to find a job these days, and you really need the money. See how it is, I mean if it's not something you wanna be doing then you can look into something else. But I think you should give it a go, and definitely don't quit over your co-worker.


Thank you for the kind words. Did you still wanna do a thread about your recovery? I think you've done amazing and come such a long way it'd be cool if you did wanna do one. Hope the worst is behind you and you have good news on your next update, you really deserve it!

Hi, it's me again. Sorry again for another late reply. Things are so strange. Honestly I'd say unstable but anyways I won't jump straight into that because first I want to say that I hope things are going well for you. You mentioned that you've had sleep troubles and I hope those have been solved. I struggle a lot with sleep too so I kinda know how it is. It becomes like a snake eating it's tail right? You feel bad about it and that makes you repeat it, a weird cycle. Getting the job is honestly the only thing that helped me and that's cus it was out of necessity :p
Honestly that's part of why I'm so late with this again. Phones aren't allowed inside the warehouse cus of safety or something, so I can only use my phone like at break or lunch. Actually I'm writing this during my lunch or else it'd slip my mind again. I get so worn out all I wanna do by the end of the day is sleep. It's tough but I wouldn't say it's THAT stressful so that a good thing I guess.

You also mentioned you don't feel well enough to get a job or socialize and I totally get that. For me at least that also becomes a cycle that repeats itself, I don't know if it's the same for you. My point is though that I hope you don't beat yourself up about it. Considering CTB is no small thing and I know the strain it can put on you. So take your time. For me I feel that sometimes you don't need to try your best, sometimes you need to take your own time if its what helps you. I mean I did nothing but lay around and watch TV in between this job and from when I got of the hospital and I'm lucky enough to work now. So I hope things pick up for you, if they already have I hope they keep going.
You also said you might try therapy? Have you given that shot? If so, how's it gone? Good I hope. It can be a mixed bag, some people are better to talk to then others so if you have given it a try and don't like it I hope you try again with someone else or something rather than stop. If it helps you that is. Maybe it's not for everyone so if it doesn't help you than it's ok but I hope you keep finding ways to get better.

So here's how things are, weird, as always. I think my last reply told you about Halloween? Well after that they also invited me over for Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New years, and I went over a couple other occasions than that. It was all good to be honest. Not that long ago we made plans to hang out on a weekend. The day before they called me and I was a bit down that day but confirmed to hang out cus of course I want to see them. We hung out and had fun and stuff, and at the end of the day they said that they weren't in the mood to go out that day but they wanted to hang out because I sounded down over the phone. Another day we agreed to get each other gifts for Valentine's days since we're both single, but you know,....I was gonna do that anyway.....
Another day than that they gave me an actual offer to live with them once they move to a larger house. On New years they told me that one of their wishes for the new Year was to keep our friendship, to which I replied, You'll never lose me. There was a few moments like this, they even told me that they prefer to hang out and do stuff with me than with anyone else. They would send me literally dozens of memes on Instagram so we could keep texting and stuff. But, I you know how my posts go, you'll know why it's complicated.
Once again things are weird. Again my messages are left on read. On January 6th I went over and they were making jokes that honestly I wasn't expecting and took me by surprise. Even one of their sisters said to back off and lighten up with the jokes. We made plans for me to go with them to a place and get my first piercing but that didn't work out and since then they've been silent. No messages, no plans to hang out, nothing. Like I mentioned before, that weird inconsistency. It's happened before. Going from saying stuff like that and everything to just nothing. I don't understand it. That's why I say things like I wonder if they get tired of me or they miss me and then realize they don't care or don't miss me.
You already know by now that I love them like crazy. But it's gotten stronger somehow. After seeing them and spending that time, hearing them talk about me like that, seeing them again. I know I've talked about ad nauseum but it's gotten stronger somehow. Everything reminds me of them. Like if I didn't already think they're the most beautiful goddam person on the planet I do now. But I mean I already did so..... Like I don't know how to explain it but it physically hurts my heart, makes my stomach twist, how crazy about them I am.

Anyways that's me. Still clueless, still crazy about them. But I hope you're doing ok. Hope everything picks up for you. Thanks :)

 

[Princess_Kitty]

I feel the exact same way. Half of me doesn't want to CTB, but the other half wants to and knows it'll happen. I feel like no matter how much I try to stay here it'll just be pointless because I know it'll happen. If not now then later.

 

[WaitingAllMyLife]

So I think I'm going to CTB in about a week, less than 10 days. Any way I look at it it's my only option. But I've been Thinking about how even though I'm going to do it, I really don't want to. I'd rather be here, stay alive, witness the world. I'd rather see new movies come out, hear new songs from artists I love, find new clothes to wear, grow as a person, keep getting better at my hobbies, see new science be discovered and learn more about the universe. I'd rather be here and live, I don't want to CTB, it just feels like something I have to do. Like I don't have any other choice.

Does anyone else feel this way??

So a part of you feels like you have to do it. But there's no reason why it has to be done now, next week or in 10 days. If you still have attachments to this life, hopes, desires, dreams, why not keep on keeping on until you can no longer keep on? Maybe things will change and you'll be grateful to have held on. CTB will always be there. What's the rush?

I don't want to but I'm miserable older lady with nothing to live for. No kids, no partner, no home, nothing.

OH how I feel you. I could have written this myself word for word.