Does anyone else not want to CTB??

[iwantdeath6969]

i feel a similar way. i don't think there's a way for me not to ctb, there isn't a chance for me to have a better life than this. i don't want to hurt my partner and family but i don't have any other choice. i can't keep living like this and there's no other way for me to be. i feel your pain, i wish it could end another way

 

[betternever2havbeen]

@Mari666 Parents can definitely change by the time they have their younger children, become more easy going. It really sucks you were held to a higher standard than your siblings though. Hopefully they don't have favorites-they shouldn't do that.

You are not being selfish feeling hurt by your siblings lack of interest when you went through a major life event. They really let you down and it was selfish of them. I don't think it should be on you to try and repair the relationship, but they are still maybe a bit immature and might actually be feeling guilty about how they treated you. But only you know if they're worth keeping a relationship with and if you wanna try again and be the one to make the first move.

You can definitely keep up a friendship with your co-worker, nothing wrong with asking them to a movie or to hang out as friends then see how they respond. I mean you might as well try right? Otherwise you may never hear from them again which would be a shame. Maybe even say you want some advice about looking for another job? Or just ask them how they are doing, did they find another job yet? I dunno, just some ideas. If they said you're one of the best things to happen to them, that's a really lovely thing to say and you must really mean a lot to them too-I bet they're thinking the same thing and hoping you'll get in touch! Let us know how it goes, I really hope it works out.

 

[Mari666]

@Mari666 Parents can definitely change by the time they have their younger children, become more easy going. It really sucks you were held to a higher standard than your siblings though. Hopefully they don't have favorites-they shouldn't do that.

You are not being selfish feeling hurt by your siblings lack of interest when you went through a major life event. They really let you down and it was selfish of them. I don't think it should be on you to try and repair the relationship, but they are still maybe a bit immature and might actually be feeling guilty about how they treated you. But only you know if they're worth keeping a relationship with and if you wanna try again and be the one to make the first move.

You can definitely keep up a friendship with your co-worker, nothing wrong with asking them to a movie or to hang out as friends then see how they respond. I mean you might as well try right? Otherwise you may never hear from them again which would be a shame. Maybe even say you want some advice about looking for another job? Or just ask them how they are doing, did they find another job yet? I dunno, just some ideas. If they said you're one of the best things to happen to them, that's a really lovely thing to say and you must really mean a lot to them too-I bet they're thinking the same thing and hoping you'll get in touch! Let us know how it goes, I really hope it works out.

Hi, I'm so sorry for the really late reply.

At this point there's only 4 days until my schedule of CTB so I'm real scared about that. Putting that aside though I want to thank you for you support. Genuinely. To be honest I came here to ask about efficient methods and didn't really expect to get all trh support I've been getting. You've lended me a kind ear when I need it the most and I really thank you for that.

I've been thinking about what you said there towards the end of your last paragraph. I think about some of the things my coworker has said to me before and it does encourage me to try and contact them. I realized how I found everything I ever wanted in them and instead of losing it I thought about fighting for them. I said I've been fighting my whole life and to be honest nothing has ever been as worth it as they are. So if there was ever a reason to fight it would be this. But all I keep thinking of is what if they don't feel the same way?? I have nothing. It sounds really lame but that's how I feel. No real support from my family. Meanwhile my coworker has a very big family and they do all sorts of fun things together, they even invited me to some of them through the time Ive known them. So what I keep thinking is that naybe they're fine without me.

I don't know. I'm genuinely scared about CTB and everything. Maybe this sounds selfish as well but I don't know that I can get by even if we were to hang out now and then. I think I got used to seeing them for most of the week on a schedule. I knew exactly when I'd be seeing them and I always looked forwards to them. But the my told me about how they can months and months without seeing some of their oldest friends. If I find myself I'm that situation then I'm just as alone as I am now. Though then again, CTB then would still be an option I guess. I don't know, I'm really conflicted. I can't go at it alone. I just can't.

Again, thank you for listening. I'm sorry to bother you with all this. Bouncing the ideas off of someone like this really helps. Thanks alot.

 

[clavicals]

I totally get this. It's like once there's a plan a huge weight is lifted off my shoulders. I start seeing the world around me and how beautiful it is bc all the other shit just doesn't matter.

I'm leaving soon too, and I'm embracing it. I want to remember the world like this. Bc I know if I decide to try again I'll find myself back here.

 

[Mari666]

Have you actually asked them this? Literally said- you really value their friendship but you also understand that they feel free to be out of that job. So- would they prefer to cut all ties- including your friendship, or can that continue? I might be wrong but it seems like- out of politeness, your making assumptions and trying not to bother them but- you simply don't know how they feel. I think you need to find out...

Damn, you really got me there. That's how I've always been. I'm realizing the irony in what I'm doing. By trying not to bother them I'm doing the very thing I'm afraid of them cutting them out. You're right, I've been assuming they're perfectly fine without me and if I tie that to all the other reasons I'm depressed, it adds to wanting to CTB. I have been trying not to bother them and I guess in doing so I'm leaving myself alone. I honestly don't know where to go though. It's not as simple as sending a text. I don't know what's in my brain but I'm useless when I comes to texting people. I start to overthink everything, wondering how they're days has been and whether or not they'll even be in a mood to text. Stuff like that. A lot of what ifs. But in doing that I'm not texting at all. What it comes down to I don't have a certainty. I don't wether they miss me or not. I don't know if they're fine without me or not. So yeah.

Thanks though. I appreciate the bluntness thanks

I totally get this. It's like once there's a plan a huge weight is lifted off my shoulders. I start seeing the world around me and how beautiful it is bc all the other shit just doesn't matter.

I'm leaving soon too, and I'm embracing it. I want to remember the world like this. Bc I know if I decide to try again I'll find myself back here.

100%, I've been enjoying the sun a lot more. It's weird right? The sun is always there, sometimes I complain about how hot it is but now I'm just enjoying it. Though it makes me sand to see it set because that means a day closer to the date. I don't know, stuff like that has been getting me lately

 

[Forever Sleep]

Damn, you really got me there. That's how I've always been. I'm realizing the irony in what I'm doing. By trying not to bother them I'm doing the very thing I'm afraid of them cutting them out. You're right, I've been assuming they're perfectly fine without me and if I tie that to all the other reasons I'm depressed, it adds to wanting to CTB. I have been trying not to bother them and I guess in doing so I'm leaving myself alone. I honestly don't know where to go though. It's not as simple as sending a text. I don't know what's in my brain but I'm useless when I comes to texting people. I start to overthink everything, wondering how they're days has been and whether or not they'll even be in a mood to text. Stuff like that. A lot of what ifs. But in doing that I'm not texting at all. What it comes down to I don't have a certainty. I don't wether they miss me or not. I don't know if they're fine without me or not. So yeah.

Thanks though. I appreciate the bluntness thanks

100%, I've been enjoying the sun a lot more. It's weird right? The sun is always there, sometimes I complain about how hot it is but now I'm just enjoying it. Though it makes me sand to see it set because that means a day closer to the date. I don't know, stuff like that has been getting me lately

Yeah- I understand. It can be hard. Especially when we haven't been in touch with people for a while. That's kind of the beauty of a text though- they don't have to respond right away if they're busy. Of course- it does make it hard on us while we wait for their response. I think overall though- you do need to know where you stand- type thing. It may end up being painful to begin with but- at least you won't be left wondering. Or- they might be delighted to continue with your friendship. Seems like it's worth finding out though. I wish you all the best.

 

[spøgelse]

i dontwant to die i just want to stop sufferinf

 

[betternever2havbeen]

Hi, I'm so sorry for the really late reply.

At this point there's only 4 days until my schedule of CTB so I'm real scared about that. Putting that aside though I want to thank you for you support. Genuinely. To be honest I came here to ask about efficient methods and didn't really expect to get all trh support I've been getting. You've lended me a kind ear when I need it the most and I really thank you for that.

I've been thinking about what you said there towards the end of your last paragraph. I think about some of the things my coworker has said to me before and it does encourage me to try and contact them. I realized how I found everything I ever wanted in them and instead of losing it I thought about fighting for them. I said I've been fighting my whole life and to be honest nothing has ever been as worth it as they are. So if there was ever a reason to fight it would be this. But all I keep thinking of is what if they don't feel the same way?? I have nothing. It sounds really lame but that's how I feel. No real support from my family. Meanwhile my coworker has a very big family and they do all sorts of fun things together, they even invited me to some of them through the time Ive known them. So what I keep thinking is that naybe they're fine without me.

I don't know. I'm genuinely scared about CTB and everything. Maybe this sounds selfish as well but I don't know that I can get by even if we were to hang out now and then. I think I got used to seeing them for most of the week on a schedule. I knew exactly when I'd be seeing them and I always looked forwards to them. But the my told me about how they can months and months without seeing some of their oldest friends. If I find myself I'm that situation then I'm just as alone as I am now. Though then again, CTB then would still be an option I guess. I don't know, I'm really conflicted. I can't go at it alone. I just can't.

Again, thank you for listening. I'm sorry to bother you with all this. Bouncing the ideas off of someone like this really helps. Thanks alot.

You're welcome! I'm glad you didn't mind me prying into your life lol. Thank you for sharing, it's no bother at all. I think you might be overcomplicating this thing with your coworker, just get in contact and see how things go with them first before worrying. As another poster said, you need to know where you stand. I think they'd like to keep in touch if they were previously inviting you to family things and you two were really close. We all have work friends we lose touch with but inviting you out with family suggests something more. Just wondering why you have put a date on when you are CTB? Could you not slow down and see how things work out first? Like you say, CTB can be an option down the line, there is no need to rush. Just seems kind of impulsive is all.

 

[bed]

yup, for me it's health issues making me want to ctb. i dont want to die but i dont want to deal with chronic pain and it getting progressively worse over time.

 

[MiraiShisen]

This is exactly how I fell about this. I really do not want to do it but I have to. My reason is chronic pain, mysterious health condition that is probably genetic disorder and since my 16 birthday it went only down.
Now I have 26, exactly week from now I will have 27 years (just maybe)

My problems started slowly, my energy levels were lesser as time went, then another problems started to appear, like difficulty with peeing, bone pain, my metabolism rate went down... I did not eat as much as before and it took me longer to digest it. After years I developed brain fog, energy levels started to be that bad I had to stop working, serious deppresion mostly related to food. I ended up with financial problems, my family apart of my mother started to think I am lazy and dont wanna work, or that I am hypochonder.

I have been spending last 6 years almost all the time alone with some kind of struggle, no social life despite that I would love to have deep conversations I am not that introverted so it was not easy for me. I could only watch other peoples lives and how are they improving while I can not
I would love to enjoy being good at sport, traveling, learning , have a job and money, spend time with good people maybe after some time start my own family. Enjoy food as normal person without problems, clear mind and just focus on my dreams.

Only coping mechanism I have are people like me who had it hard and end up earlier because of their fate. It is not making me happy but at the same time I am glad that I am not alone in this shit. For example Chestert Benington is one of them. Or Andy Whitfield (actor from spartacus) Even anime characters or film characters who had it bad makes me feel that I am not alone I know its weird but what can I do ? At least something.

My condition now is that bad that I live 23h only in bed because I dont have any energy, I feel how weak my hearth is, sometimes I am fainting just by standing up because my body does not have power to keep same blood pressure. I have serious kidney pain, neck and headaches, my bones are like glass,I eat so little and almost everything makes my pain worse. There are a lot more of little problems that contribute to all this.

I have visited all the doctors possible and genetic testing cost here 3K € and results will be after some time and most of the time genetic issues can not be fixed so I just gave up fighting.

My mother and her boyfriend treat me with kindness and love I see them to wanna help me but they can not, my mother is trying to push me to believe that it will end up good and not to give up but I just dont see any reason to continue suffer and do not enjoy anything from life not even food or social life.
So I ended up here, I dont wanna wait until my body is so weak that It wont support life and suffer another weeks or months... no point on clinging to life that hard.

I would love to live and enjoy all the good from life, I dont wanna die, but my options are suffering or death and I have enough of suffering. I feel so bad that I will do it and CTB myself, because I know that I will betray my mother and her love, how will she feel after I wont be here? She tried so hard for me and I am going to die because I dont wanna suffer anymore. Rest of the family will think that I will do it because I have mental issues but in fact after all the things I have been I am mentaly strong and I can now appreciate all the good thing in life, I can now see crystal clear what is precious and what is fake to me, what is important and what not.
Its like you have been in dark so long that you will see any light even smallest one and appreciate it. But I dont have option to apply it in life because I will die soon either by myself or after some time when my condition finish me. If I had another options It would be great :/

 

[MrDarkness]

So I think I'm going to CTB in about a week, less than 10 days. Any way I look at it it's my only option. But I've been Thinking about how even though I'm going to do it, I really don't want to. I'd rather be here, stay alive, witness the world. I'd rather see new movies come out, hear new songs from artists I love, find new clothes to wear, grow as a person, keep getting better at my hobbies, see new science be discovered and learn more about the universe. I'd rather be here and live, I don't want to CTB, it just feels like something I have to do. Like I don't have any other choice.

Does anyone else feel this way??

Clearly from this message you probably want to live more then you can admit, personally I still want to live, but I got a belt that I ctb with any time. If your not sure about dying don't die, keep growing into a lovely flower, best wishes I hope you find peace in life or death

 

[JustWantOut500]

I definitely can relate to not wanting to CTB but feeling like I have to. But it sounds like you still have hope, still have things you enjoy that you look forward to etc. so it sounds like you might not be truly ready. This is a decision to make when you have absolutely no doubt left in your mind.

I'll also add, SI is hard enough to get past even when you have no hope in anything, it will be significantly harder when that's not the case. All the things you listed will start running through your head and it will be insanely hard to overcome. My personal opinion is to wait until you're sure, stay focused on the things you listed that make you happy for now.

 

[enough of this]

I know I will at sometime. I can't even imagine sticking around that much longer. Not in this world.

 

[MiraiShisen]

Clearly from this message you probably want to live more then you can admit, personally I still want to live, but I got a belt that I ctb with any time. If your not sure about dying don't die, keep growing into a lovely flower, best wishes I hope you find peace in life or death

I would love to live, but not with conditions I am living. I can not fix my broken body I have tried before I came into this conclusion. I can not escape from pain and suffering and even when I decide to keep fighting (more like tolerating pain) I will not enjoy any of I mentioned before, I am just lying in bed all day long because I am extremely tired and dont have energy for anything. But yeah I am sure I wanna end this circus called my life but at the same time I would love to live normal life I would not give up that.

 

[MrDarkness]

I would love to live, but not with conditions I am living. I can not fix my broken body I have tried before I came into this conclusion. I can not escape from pain and suffering and even when I decide to keep fighting (more like tolerating pain) I will not enjoy any of I mentioned before, I am just lying in bed all day long because I am extremely tired and dont have energy for anything. But yeah I am sure I wanna end this circus called my life but at the same time I would love to live normal life I would not give up that.

My life has just been school, sleep,food repeat. At least the walk to school as always been lovely

 

[mlcs]

Felt like that the last time I quit on suicide. I knew it would come back, but I didn't know it will become unbearable this fast. I remember being in my room for almost a whole year contemplating suicide and watching movies and series. This time I have no enjoyment in any of these. I can't watch anything, I started hating the sun too much, I have pain in my chest and barely sleep for the last 3 months. The problem is that I tried to give life one more chance last time, only to realise how everything could simply be better just by the inch of some childhood decisions.

 

[Mari666]

You're welcome! I'm glad you didn't mind me prying into your life lol. Thank you for sharing, it's no bother at all. I think you might be overcomplicating this thing with your coworker, just get in contact and see how things go with them first before worrying. As another poster said, you need to know where you stand. I think they'd like to keep in touch if they were previously inviting you to family things and you two were really close. We all have work friends we lose touch with but inviting you out with family suggests something more. Just wondering why you have put a date on when you are CTB? Could you not slow down and see how things work out first? Like you say, CTB can be an option down the line, there is no need to rush. Just seems kind of impulsive is all.

No to be really honest you're right. Even I feel I'm being kind of impulsive. I've been talking a lot about my coworker because that's one of the biggest problems right now If that makes sense. I had every single thing I wanted and lost in all in a day and since then I've been feeling alone. So I think the shock from that had me set the date. I mean I went and bought the method I want to use to CTB just a few days after that. But the truth is there are a lot more factors than just this one. Money issues, health issues, so on and so forth. When I look at the big picture of where I was, to who I got to become by meeting my coworker, it feel unbearable to me to go back or to have lost it.
So yes I'm feeling very conflicted. I'm kind of operating under the assumption that they'll be ok without me and maybe won't really miss me. That they'll forget all about me because that kind of how I grew up, feeling like the least important and all that stuff I already said. But yes because of what I've been reading here and the replies and comments like yours I think of at least extending the date. I don't know for sure. But yeah.

Yeah- I understand. It can be hard. Especially when we haven't been in touch with people for a while. That's kind of the beauty of a text though- they don't have to respond right away if they're busy. Of course- it does make it hard on us while we wait for their response. I think overall though- you do need to know where you stand- type thing. It may end up being painful to begin with but- at least you won't be left wondering. Or- they might be delighted to continue with your friendship. Seems like it's worth finding out though. I wish you all the best.

It is worth finding out. Damn dude. I said this to someone else on here but I'm not sure what I was expecting on this site but I'm happy to get comments like these and support like this. I'm glad to be able to bunch my thoughts off people like this.
I'll try to find out then I guess. I don't know about extending my date just yet but they're worth at least finding out. Thanks.

 

[betternever2havbeen]

No to be really honest you're right. Even I feel I'm being kind of impulsive. I've been talking a lot about my coworker because that's one of the biggest problems right now If that makes sense. I had every single thing I wanted and lost in all in a day and since then I've been feeling alone. So I think the shock from that had me set the date. I mean I went and bought the method I want to use to CTB just a few days after that. But the truth is there are a lot more factors than just this one. Money issues, health issues, so on and so forth. When I look at the big picture of where I was, to who I got to become by meeting my coworker, it feel unbearable to me to go back or to have lost it.

Yes I would not do anything in the state your head is in right now with the big upheaval you've been through. I can understand why you are devastated and your life has been turned upside down. It's totally natural to feel this way. I think you should probably get rid of your method if you think there is any chance of you using it impulsively. Money issues suck for sure but not worth worrying too much about (unless they are major of course) you'll get that sorted when you get another job right? Health issues definitely suck, I hope they are just minor for you.

So yes I'm feeling very conflicted. I'm kind of operating under the assumption that they'll be ok without me and maybe won't really miss me. That they'll forget all about me because that kind of how I grew up, feeling like the least important and all that stuff I already said. But yes because of what I've been reading here and the replies and comments like yours I think of at least extending the date. I don't know for sure. But yeah.

It sounds like you had a weird family dynamic, and not a lot of attention but that doesn't mean other people you are/were close to won't miss you. This person sounds like a real gem, a great friend, great influence on your life and yeh you really don't wanna let that slip away.

It is worth finding out. Damn dude. I said this to someone else on here but I'm not sure what I was expecting on this site but I'm happy to get comments like these and support like this. I'm glad to be able to bunch my thoughts off people like this.
I'll try to find out then I guess. I don't know about extending my date just yet but they're worth at least finding out. Thanks.

We are always here for support and advice, I would love a happy ending for you it'd make even ME happy for a while lol, so don't let me down!

 

[Mari666]

Yes I would not do anything in the state your head is in right now with the big upheaval you've been through. I can understand why you are devastated and your life has been turned upside down. It's totally natural to feel this way. I think you should probably get rid of your method if you think there is any chance of you using it impulsively. Money issues suck for sure but not worth worrying too much about (unless they are major of course) you'll get that sorted when you get another job right? Health issues definitely suck, I hope they are just minor for you.


It sounds like you had a weird family dynamic, and not a lot of attention but that doesn't mean other people you are/were close to won't miss you. This person sounds like a real gem, a great friend, great influence on your life and yeh you really don't wanna let that slip away.


We are always here for support and advice, I would love a happy ending for you it'd make even ME happy for a while lol, so don't let me down!

Hi, if I had gone with my original date I wouldn't be writing this so I'm here because I did extend my date. Just a couple days before the day I actually got a text from them saying they missed me and we should hang out. Obviously I agreed. Unfortunately some other factors kind of happened and we didn't get a chance to do that. So I'm feeling conflicted again I guess. I almost feel like I'd be selfish if I CTB if they do actually miss me. I don't know my mind is a mess. I actually decided to extend the date because when we texted it sounded like they had a lot on their plate and I didn't want risk adding stress or whatever by me, you know, DYING. So I extended. I'm not sure what to or where to go from here. I'm just so confused And honestly I just want the worrying to stop you know??

 

[animetal]

So I think I'm going to CTB in about a week, less than 10 days. Any way I look at it it's my only option. But I've been Thinking about how even though I'm going to do it, I really don't want to. I'd rather be here, stay alive, witness the world. I'd rather see new movies come out, hear new songs from artists I love, find new clothes to wear, grow as a person, keep getting better at my hobbies, see new science be discovered and learn more about the universe. I'd rather be here and live, I don't want to CTB, it just feels like something I have to do. Like I don't have any other choice.

Does anyone else feel this way??

I feel the exact same way! There's so much that I love about life and I've come to even appreciate my self, but I made so many mistakes to where now I feel back at where I started. Like all the progress I ever made in my life has just gone away. It hurts a lot because I wanted to grow with my friends and family and continue living because there are so many things I'm looking forward to but ctb really is my only option it feels

 

[betternever2havbeen]

Hi, if I had gone with my original date I wouldn't be writing this so I'm here because I did extend my date. Just a couple days before the day I actually got a text from them saying they missed me and we should hang out. Obviously I agreed. Unfortunately some other factors kind of happened and we didn't get a chance to do that. So I'm feeling conflicted again I guess. I almost feel like I'd be selfish if I CTB if they do actually miss me. I don't know my mind is a mess. I actually decided to extend the date because when we texted it sounded like they had a lot on their plate and I didn't want risk adding stress or whatever by me, you know, DYING. So I extended. I'm not sure what to or where to go from here. I'm just so confused And honestly I just want the worrying to stop you know??

I'm sorry I didn't get back to you sooner. I'm SO glad you didn't do anything. Aw wow they got in touch with you first? That's good actually, it's confirmation they miss you and still want you in their life without you wondering if it was only because you contacted them first. Sorry it didn't work out with being able meet up this time, am sure you can just rearrange a date very soon. If they have stuff on their plate it's a great opportunity to be there for them and give them support, if they need it and they're reaching out, just be a friend.

 

[Mari666]

I'm sorry I didn't get back to you sooner. I'm SO glad you didn't do anything. Aw wow they got in touch with you first? That's good actually, it's confirmation they miss you and still want you in their life without you wondering if it was only because you contacted them first. Sorry it didn't work out with being able meet up this time, am sure you can just rearrange a date very soon. If they have stuff on their plate it's a great opportunity to be there for them and give them support, if they need it and they're reaching out, just be a friend.

Hey, don't worry about not replying fast we all got things going on. Quite a bit happened in the past couple days. On Monday, the 26th, I attempted to CTB. Finger on the trigger and everything. Obviously I ended up not doing it, I called 911 and mentioned what happened. Cops came with handguns and rifles because my CTB was a shotgun, took me in handcuffs to a hospital, I spent 3 or so days in the psych unit, got released yesterday. I can upload some images here for proof cus this all sounds so wild, and it was wild. They prescribed me Zoloft and Lithium and I have an appointment with a psychiatrist coming up. I'm not 100% convinced that I made the right choice by calling it in. I even regret it at times. I don't know what comes next to be honest. We'll see what happens next I guess.

 

[UnlikelyCandidate]

I can relate to you OP about missing out on future stuff. I was hoping to play Starfield before I CTB but at this point that seems very unlikely. hoping to watch some movies I've never seen and play some games in my steam library before I pass.

 

[betternever2havbeen]

@Mari666 ah god I wasn't expecting that at all, I'm so sorry! I think it's good you're getting help now though cos I think you want it(?) and you were being impulsive and not in a good frame of mind. You did the right thing calling 911-must've been a scary situation but hopefully this is the start of you getting some support.

Did something else happen in your life to make you do that?

 

[aGoodDayToDie]

No. I'm done with life. I've done and seen everything I can that I want to. It would have been nice if I could have experienced being a successful millionaire but that's just highly unlikely. I'd be happy to die at any time. I just probably won't for a long, long, long time. It fucking sucks. I want to be gone. I couldn't give a fuck about movies, music or any other trivial matters. Nothing brings me much joy whatsoever. There's nothing to live for. I just desperately want to be gone. I'm just not sure I can face what's necessary to die. The process of dying is just too unpleasant. But I wish I could die peacefully in my sleep tonight, or any night soon. I don't know how much more of this I can take.

 

[Mari666]

@Mari666 ah god I wasn't expecting that at all, I'm so sorry! I think it's good you're getting help now though cos I think you want it(?) and you were being impulsive and not in a good frame of mind. You did the right thing calling 911-must've been a scary situation but hopefully this is the start of you getting some support.

Did something else happen in your life to make you do that?

What the CTB?? Yeah I think I've mentioned that before no?? Just tired of dealing with everything and always fighting I guess. Idk. Lots of reasons. It's weird but when I think about it it seems like the other way around. Calling 911 feels like the impulse and not the CTB. Idk if I mentioned this but I'd been planning the CTB for months. I wrote my notes, said goodbye, I was ready. I called 911 because I got scared. That's part of why I wonder if I made the right choice. I'm having a tough time thinking of why this was right choice. Thanks.

 

[betternever2havbeen]

Yeh of course but I thought you were gonna wait a bit cos you agreed you were being impulsive and you wanted to see what was gonna happen with your co-worker? I just wondered if something else had happened there because it seemed like things were gonna work out with them and you could turn your attention to supporting them because they needed you.

When you said you went out and bought your method I didn't think you meant a gun-I live in the UK so that wouldn't be the first thing I'd think you were able to get hold of so easily! Yeh honestly though that's why I told you that you should probably get rid of whatever you'd bought regardless cos I could tell you were in an impulsive state of mind. How did your family react?

 

[Mari666]

Yeh of course but I thought you were gonna wait a bit cos you agreed you were being impulsive and you wanted to see what was gonna happen with your co-worker? I just wondered if something else had happened there because it seemed like things were gonna work out with them and you could turn your attention to supporting them because they needed you.

When you said you went out and bought your method I didn't think you meant a gun-I live in the UK so that wouldn't be the first thing I'd think you were able to get hold of so easily! Yeh honestly though that's why I told you that you should probably get rid of whatever you'd bought regardless cos I could tell you were in an impulsive state of mind. How did your family react?

Oh I see. I waited for a couple days but even then I felt I was just putting it off. I don't know where things stand with them right now. Though I feel pretty hurt.

My mom came to visit me in the psych hospital. She hugged me and wanted to talk. Of course I had my guard up and took everything with a grain of salt. But she told me that it's like this opened their eyes or something, they read the notes I left them where I told them pretty much everything. My brother still doesn't talk much and my mom had to give him a bit of a glare for him to ask me how I felt. But I think in the case of my mom this really affected her. I mentioned that stuff I told you about, how it was always different for me as a kid compared to my siblings, and I think she might have finally realized that. I was supposed to be dead when she read that note but yeah.

The situation with my guns is pretty lame though. Maybe it sounds like a typical American thing but I genuinely do enjoy firearms. I didn't get them just to CTB. I got a handgun for self defense and it genuinely made me feel safer and from there I began to get into firearms and I loved it. I love going to the range, having a good conversation with people in a gun store, going to gun shows, etc. I was even considering going to school to get a job in that industry. When I thought of CTB they just came to mind because they're, you know, efficient. But yeah they've been confiscated and I can't own a gun for 5 years now so that sucks.

 

[betternever2havbeen]

@Mari666 sorry to hear you still don't know where you stand with your co-worker. Maybe because they seem to be going through their own stuff they don't have a lot of time or energy to be a good friend right now.

Yeh I get that where you live you'd feel safer with a handgun, and I know a lot of people over there enjoy hobbies involving guns.
Sorry you can't do all that anymore (at least not to the same extent), that sucks but was unfortunately going to be the outcome after everything that happened.

At least your mom seems to be being supportive and finally realising how you've been feeling for so long. Hopefully some good can come out of this, it just sucks you had to go to such extreme measures to get the support you need.

 

[Mari666]

@Mari666 sorry to hear you still don't know where you stand with your co-worker. Maybe because they seem to be going through their own stuff they don't have a lot of time or energy to be a good friend right now.

Yeh I get that where you live you'd feel safer with a handgun, and I know a lot of people over there enjoy hobbies involving guns.
Sorry you can't do all that anymore (at least not to the same extent), that sucks but was unfortunately going to be the outcome after everything that happened.

At least your mom seems to be being supportive and finally realising how you've been feeling for so long. Hopefully some good can come out of this, it just sucks you had to go to such extreme measures to get the support you need.

Yeah that's kind of how I've been feeling. Like it took a suicide attempt for my actual blood family to care in some way, wild.

If you're ok with it I'd like to know what you think about the situation going on with my coworker because getting feed back from you has helped me out, honestly. I'll leave it below but if not I understand, you've done a lot.

So when in the psych hospital I called my coworkers mom and she said they could all come visit me the next day. That same day tho my mom came to visit me and said she'd be texting with my coworkers mom too and said the my coworker was having a rough-ish time kind of with what happened with me. The night of my attempt I tried to call my coworker to say goodbye basically, it would have been nice to hear their voice one last time. They didn't answer and texted saying they were busy after 10 minutes I called again. They said that a cousin was staying over for a few weeks so they couldn't talk because they were with him at that time. So I sent my goodbye message in a text and hours later the rest is what I already said, 911, cops, handcuffs, etc.
So in the psych hospital it sounded like their whole family wanted to come visit me. It was my last day there and they didn't. When I got out I thought maybe they'd be there and they weren't. But my mom told me that my coworker wanted to come over to my house to visit me so I went home and got cleaned up after days in the hospital room, they never came.
Now I did get a text from them on Friday. They texted me saying that they've been looking for a way to start a conversation. We talked and they said to remember that they'll always love me. We talked and it was nice. They said they could come visit me on Sunday, today. They day has gone by and not so much as a text or anything. Looking at the texts it seems like they accidentally let me know that they were at the mall too or something. Idk.
So that's my situation rn. I'd like to get an outside perspective if that's ok. Thanks a lot either way.